Tuesday, July 17, 2018

More Than a Dozen Fans Collapse at Warped Tour From Overexposure to Simple Plan

15 concertgoers reportedly collapsed at KeyBank Pavilion yesterday during the Warped Tour 2018 event due to excessive exposure to Simple Plan's brand of formulaic, teenager-pandering pop punk.

"This is one of the worst mediocrity-triggered emergency events I've seen in a while," said Washington County Director of Public Safety Jeffrey Yates. "People think they're ready for extreme levels of cliche lyrical content and predictable chord changes just because they have a few Rush songs cued up on their phone. But it's just not that easy when we're talking about the extremely below-par conditions that accompany a Simple Plan performance."

Yates confirmed that doctors are treating all 15 individuals transported to the hospital with direct doses of Iron Maiden and Judas Priest until their sensibilities for quality music stabilize.

Jake Weiss, who was on hand at the Journeys Right Foot stage for the Montreal-based outfit, described the scene as the band progressed through its set.

"I could tell people were start to feel the effects after the one long stretch of vague, non-committal anti-establishment political banter," he said. "Then when the [39-year-old] lead singer was droning on with that line 'I'm just a kid and life is nightmare,' people started dropping like flies. It was chaos."

Weiss stated that he had utilized several strategies to withstand the challenges of the severe setting, including humming Goldfinger's 'Superman' to himself and pretending he was at a Guitar Center so the hackneyed performance would feel normal. 

"Honestly, I was still faltering," Weiss noted. "But luckily I got far enough away to overhear Aaron Barrett [of Reel Big Fish] play a guitar solo and say something legitimately clever. It was a close call."

In the response to the crisis, health organizations throughout southwestern PA have issued warnings of potential butt-rock conditions for the remaining duration of the summer concert series. They reported particular concern for the Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson July 25 show at KeyBank where there is high potential for an oppressive mix of pity and disappointment.

Friday, July 13, 2018

Hell Outsources Fifth Circle to Stretch of Route 19 That Runs Through Mt. Lebanon

Hell has outsourced operations of its fifth level, reserved to torment those who engaged in acts of wrath and sloth, to the portion of Route 19 (Washington Boulevard) that leads drivers through the heart of Mount Lebanon, infernal sources confirmed today.

"We may be sinister here in hell, but we aren't inefficient," said a high-ranking arch demon. "We've wasted so many imp-hours over the eons trying to maintain the proper water toxicity in the River Styx—not to mention general upkeep for something that old—that everybody agreed there had to be a better way. The mercilessly awful traffic flow on Route 19 in the Mount Lebanon neighborhood of the living happened to be a perfect solution."

Prince of hell Satan has overseen the transition to the outside source for perpetual agony, speaking favorably of the new location's naturally wretched features compared to the previous labors experienced in the underworld.

"We spent millennia fine-tuning that fifth circle," he uttered in a voice that incited the primal fear of humankind, as well as a middle-aged man to tell an elderly couple in a Kia to go fuck themselves. "So the constant, asymmetrically timed signals and utter lawlessness that comes with church parking, all with no intent to use this thing as a hellscape for the damned, makes it quite a modern marvel, really."

"And when there's an unannounced construction project, it's like heaven—in a matter of speaking," he added.

Hell's corps of engineers has used the opportunity to consider how it may upgrade other circles, adjusting them to punish sinners more effectively."

"The mechanisms of suffering in this place are incredible," said one of the engineers, writing notes on the misery observed in a family of four now in its second hour of waiting for a table at Pamela's. "Just wait until the father in this family finds out he forgot his wallet at home after the 30-minute ride and nearly three-hour wait. Not only will he ruin his family's day, but everyone in the restaurant's, too."

Despite circulating rumors, the engineer was quick to refute any claims that hell may move other parts of its operations to Route 28.

"Whoa now. We are merely tasked with creating endless pain for the wicked," he said. "We're not monsters."

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Report: Majority of Holiday Injuries Start With Crazy Uncle Saying "Check This Shit Out"

More than 90 percent of injuries sustained during the Fourth of July holiday begin with an unhinged uncle encouraging one or more celebrants to "check this shit out," the Allegheny County Health Department warned in a statement today.

"Years of accrued data indicate that a significant portion of incidents resulting in singed eyebrows, partial deafness, or lost limbs, among other afflictions, stem from a batshit nuts uncle who gets that unnerving grin on his face and says 'you gotta have a look at this,'" the statement read in part.

"Those celebrating our nation's independence tomorrow should exercise extreme caution when 'taking a peak at this mother,' 'turning the party up a notch,' or 'blowing this son of a bitch to high heaven,' though it remains advisable to avoid these situations in their entirety."

The department has since added to its announcement, most recently reminding residents to dial 911 should they hear said uncle yell "whoa momma" and to decline any offers to "chug this."

Friday, June 29, 2018

Frank Coonelly Demands Two Sips From Beer Local Man Won in Casual Bet at Bar

Insisting that the Pirates were a fundamental impetus to drink, club president Frank Coonelly reportedly demanded Wednesday night that local man Abe Balestra compensate the organization with two sips from the pint of Yuengling draft he won in a friendly bet placed at the bar.

"Without the team, and its exponentially declining performance, you would likely have felt no reason to imbibe alcohol and therefore visit this establishment in which it was contested whether Ivan Nova would even make it to the sixth inning," said Coonelly in a copy of the CCTV footage provided by the bar.

The video then depicts Coonelly removing a pen from the inside pocket of his jacket to edit what appeared to be a prepared statement.

He continued: "As such, it stands to reason that a portion of the alcohol that you have acquired via the means of this wager should be provided to the Pirates organization, that it may then be redistributed within the organization for the capital upkeep of morale in the offices of PNC Park."

Sources confirmed that Coonelly then set two shot glasses on the table, requesting that Balestra fill each glass with an ounce of beer. The Brookline resident declined to concede any of his beverage despite threats of legal action.

"[Coonelly] can fuck right off," he said. "I don't care who he thinks he is; my beer is my beer. Seriously, though, what kind of baseball team has the time to hire lawyers and get all bent out of shape over this kind of stuff? Shouldn't the team focus on improve its roster and winning the fans back by putting out a good product?"

When contacted for comment, the Pirates clarified that, no, that was not the case.

Friday, June 22, 2018

Allegheny County Health Department Posts Alert for Piper's Pub After Severe Outbreak of World Cup Fever

The Allegheny County Health Department has issued a consumer alert for Piper's Pub on East Carson Street in the South Side after numerous patrons reported suffering acutely from symptoms commonly associated with World Cup Fever.

"In the past week or so, there was a wave of concerned parties calling about a friend or family member who went to Piper's Pub, only to return covered in face paint representing international flags and spontaneously breaking out into chant and song," said county spokesperson Amie Downs. "Based on the described symptoms, the department was left with no choice but to issue a warning to consumers about the potential presence of World Cup Fever at the establishment.

Added Downs: "If you know somebody who has possibly developed this condition, please be sure to keep them away from any Amazon-accessible technology, as they may be ordering hundreds of dollars' worth of international jerseys, scarves, and loud noise-making devices."

Experts say that Pittsburgh is particularly susceptible to the ailment due to its infrequent presence in the area that allows it to circulate rapidly among the populace.

"World Cup Fever typically strikes places like Pittsburgh only once every four years, but it can still spread incredibly fast," warned public health expert Dr. Stephen Calvert. "It starts innocuously enough with small verbal ticks, like 'pitch,' 'kit,' or insisting that any athletic shoe be called a 'boot.' In a matter of hours, though, an infected individual may suddenly yell 'goal' for minutes, even hours, uninterrupted or start running in circles pretending to be an airplane."

The department has stated that it will not order a closure until reviewing the results of its latest visit. However, the visiting official has reportedly yet to leave Piper's after a group of patrons surrounded her, passionately begging on their knees with hands clasped that she be lenient with her decision.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Snapshot News: "Pittsburghers Just Can't Drive in Rain," Reports Man Still Floating Down River in Sedan

"Like, it's just a puddle of water—drive through it!" the man reportedly complained in a phone call to a friend this morning from his early-2000s Ford Taurus that was hopelessly drifting near Point State Park. "Stop being such a wuss. Nothing bad could possibly happen."

As of press time, sources confirm that the man has moved onto how barges always seem to slow down right when their about to go under a bridge.

PWSA Happily Reminds Everybody Most Recent Water-Related Incident Not Their Fault for Once

Interim director of Pittsburgh Water and Sewage Authority Robert A. Weimar held a press conference this morning to remind residents that the severe water-related conditions they faced yesterday—“and dear sweet God, if You’re listening, for the foreseeable future”—were in no way the result of the utility company's gross incompetence.

"Wow, this is a new one for me," Weimar said, grinning as he offered unfulfilled high-fives to assembled press. "First, we at PWSA would like to share a word of support for those who struggled with yesterday's adverse water events. In that vein, we would also like to proudly announce that our company had verifiably no hand in creating, sustaining, or worsening said issues, thank Joseph, Mary, and Jesus."

"Score one for the good guys!" he added, this time attempting to pound fists with anyone nearby.

"Before I take questions, a quick note to those members of the media drinking from our water pitchers: we had some chlorine issues this morning, so it might taste a little funny, but I can confirm it is almost certainly safe to drink."

The question-and-answer portion of the conference reportedly started several minutes later, so Weimar could open and drink from his bottle of Evian.