Friday, January 19, 2018

Snapshot News: Blake Bortles Ominously Tells Satan to Name His Price

*This report follows up on previously covered events found here.*

Minions in the proximity of the meeting reported hearing Bortles talk about "his thirst for more" and a willingness "to do anything for what [he] want[s]."

Sources said that a man in a robe with cut-off sleeves then entered the room, laughing awkwardly as he laid out pictures of Tom Brady, Alex Guerrero, and Robert Kraft onto a table.

Monday, January 15, 2018

New ‘Interested’ Button Automatically Drafts Apology Ahead of Time for Missing Friend’s Event

Calling it a “colossal time-saver,” Facebook has altered the functionality of the ‘Interested’ reply to event invites so that it creates an unsent text apologizing for the user’s absence in advance, the social media giant revealed earlier today.

“We understand that being ‘interested’ is a tool of brevity and expression for our users,” company CEO Mark Zuckerberg told reporters. “They need that succinct way to tell friends and family, ‘I like you and wish you well on that important humanitarian thing or whatever, but I might spontaneously have to clean the bathroom or work third shift that night.’ Now, we hope to have improved it by streamlining the tedious ‘my bad’ process that comes afterwards.”

“And a brief, impersonal message of feigned regret or an implausible excuse is just what people need to do that,” he added.

According to Zuckerberg, the development team had presented several other tweaks to the ‘Interested’ reply, including other automated account activities, before the proactive text message was selected. Most heavily considered were liking posts related to the event on the user’s behalf or sharing the host’s page with pre-written text, e.g., “Subscribe and help out a good cause!” or “Check out my buddy’s band — they kick ass!”

He said of the discussed changes: “You know — stuff where you could support people that matter to you, but you don’t necessarily have to worry about wearing pants or missing a good re-run you haven’t seen in a while.” 

Currently, users only have access to one pre-designed message that reads, “Hey friend(s)! Sorry I missed your show / event / game / miscellaneous. Next time!” Test users have stated they hope Facebook includes the ability to modify the drafted reply. 

“It’d be great to create a template where I just click on a venue from a list I’ve generated,” said Dave Horstmann, a local music fan who claimed to have already used the draft function several times in the last week. “It would feel so nice to add that little touch of detail — to show I really care.”

Zuckerberg chose not disclose when customization settings may be available. He did divulge, however, that the company is working on an update that will allow users who reply ‘Going’ to order a fake emergency phone call at a set time “just in case they want to duck out early."

Updated Version of 'Goat Simulator' Just 'Madden' Where You Only Play as Tom Brady

The latest rendition of Coffee Stain Studios' indie hit Goat Simulator is simply a leaked version of Madden 18, coded so that the game can only be played as New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, the first wave of players reported today.

The original Goat Simulator (2014) experienced moderate success and popularity on the Steam gaming platform, but lacked enough gameplay elements to garner any considerable favor among critics. Accordingly, the update prompted a dramatic response among the fanbase.

"Has anybody else played the new Goat [Simulator]?" asked one Reddit user. "What the fuck is the deal? It's just a football game and I can only control Brady. Is this some kind of joke?"

Even those players who tolerated the changes demonstrated disappointment with its lack of difficulty.

"It's kind of cool, but it's not very challenging," posted a Steam user in a review. "Brady just throws it perfectly every time and is almost impossible to sack."

"And the mini-game where you have to make some ridiculous kale salad through [Brady's] perspective is tedious at best," he added.

Many fans of other NFL franchises have expressed displeasure that the modified title features exclusively Brady, omitting other players they consider deserving of the Goat label. Despite such criticism, staff at the developer stated they "have no plans whatsoever" to tweak the game any further.

They announced, however, that they have started working on a follow-up release named Jackass Simulator, where you can only call offensive plays for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Pittsburgh Nightmare: Steelers Beaten by Bunch of Jags

Pittsburgh residents became despondent today after the Steelers were defeated by a group of Jags 45-42 in the AFC divisional round of the NFL playoffs, city sources reported between sincere statements of self-injury.

The Steelers entered Sunday's home game against the Jacksonville as heavy favorites, but numerous errors on both sides of the ball led to an unfavorable outcome for the city and its people: a defeat by a collection of insufferable Jags.

"I can't believe this shit," said Stan Graber, a long-time Steelers fan. "It was hard enough to handle losing to Ravens, Patriots, Broncos, and so on. But to lose to a whole swarm of Jags? God, it's just awful."

"We might as well have lost to the Browns," added Graber, as others around him gasped in disbelief.

The loss struck particularly hard for older citizens, who have long had to endure failure at the hands of Flyers, Cardinals, Cowboys, Packers, overachievers, douches, cheaters, good-for-nothings, and sons of bitches, but never a horde of Jags whom nobody expected to pose a challenge.

"All these years in Pittsburgh, I've never experienced anything as gut-wrenching as this," said Polish Hill native Ron Spursky of the game. "I don't know that I believed in the Illuminati before, but I definitely do now. God dammit, don't ask me anything else about it. It's too much to take!"

Subsequent questions about Neil O'Donnell and Larry Brown were answered with threats of physical violence.

Reports from around town suggest that locals will not overcome the pain soon.

"I thank God that I got to my dad's place when I did," said Sean Lawrence. "He was just watching game seven of the NLCS over and over again, yelling 'He was out! He was out!"

"At least he wasn't watch video of Fred Taylor," Lawrence conceded. "That guy has been a Jag as long as I've known him."

Saturday, January 13, 2018

News in Short: Blake Bortles and Case Keenum Argue With Satan Over Whose Soul Worth More

Quarterbacks Blake Bortles and Case Keenum verbally fought with the Prince of Darkness this morning, both accusing him of favoring one over the other despite each veteran having sold his soul in exchange for playoff success, sources in the underworld reported.

Hellish minions confirmed that the pair entered Satan's kingdom at approximately 9 a.m. mortal time, "for time is nothing but a flimsy construct for pathetic mounds of flesh to anticipate their own expiration," where the two immediately confronted him over the particulars of their individual infernal contracts.

"You promised me unbound prosperity in this year's playoffs for my soul!" shouted Bortles, according to the severed ears of sinners condemned to eternal suffering. "And now you're helping out this guy? We had a deal, you fiendish beast!"

Sources say that Keenum was quick to counter.

"Yeah, well, you told me that 'the world of football will cower within my hands' for my very essence, so what's the deal?" various minor demons confirmed hearing.

Reports indicate that Lucifer was able to placate Bortles and Keenum by saying he must consult a force "even more terrible, gruesome, and awful than [him]."

Hell's sources have yet to explain, however, why Bill Belichick arrived shortly after the quarterbacks left.

Friday, January 12, 2018

Snapshot News: Party Host Ja Rule Insists You Just Call Him Ja

"Please, Mr. Rule is my father," he quipped, his hand directing you inside. “No need for such formalities here. So grab some finger food, make yourself a cocktail, and do your thing — Ja’s house is your house.” 

He did ask, though, that you refrain from impulsively yelling “Holla holla” or asking what Ashanti looks like naked.