15 concertgoers reportedly collapsed at KeyBank Pavilion yesterday during the Warped Tour 2018 event due to excessive exposure to Simple Plan's brand of formulaic, teenager-pandering pop punk.
"This is one of the worst mediocrity-triggered emergency events I've seen in a while," said Washington County Director of Public Safety Jeffrey Yates. "People think they're ready for extreme levels of cliche lyrical content and predictable chord changes just because they have a few Rush songs cued up on their phone. But it's just not that easy when we're talking about the extremely below-par conditions that accompany a Simple Plan performance."
Yates confirmed that doctors are treating all 15 individuals transported to the hospital with direct doses of Iron Maiden and Judas Priest until their sensibilities for quality music stabilize.
Jake Weiss, who was on hand at the Journeys Right Foot stage for the Montreal-based outfit, described the scene as the band progressed through its set.
"I could tell people were start to feel the effects after the one long stretch of vague, non-committal anti-establishment political banter," he said. "Then when the [39-year-old] lead singer was droning on with that line 'I'm just a kid and life is nightmare,' people started dropping like flies. It was chaos."
Weiss stated that he had utilized several strategies to withstand the challenges of the severe setting, including humming Goldfinger's 'Superman' to himself and pretending he was at a Guitar Center so the hackneyed performance would feel normal.
"Honestly, I was still faltering," Weiss noted. "But luckily I got far enough away to overhear Aaron Barrett [of Reel Big Fish] play a guitar solo and say something legitimately clever. It was a close call."
In the response to the crisis, health organizations throughout southwestern PA have issued warnings of potential butt-rock conditions for the remaining duration of the summer concert series. They reported particular concern for the Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson July 25 show at KeyBank where there is high potential for an oppressive mix of pity and disappointment.