Saturday, September 30, 2017

Voice of the Ages: Twitterature

My goal is quite simple: as an active Twitter user, I intend to reveal to the world the hidden artistry that dwells within the boundaries of this electronic playground. 

Let us start today with a thought-provoking work by @JimmyHa17559407. May the world rejoice at this piece of purposeful fractions, meant to replicate the sensation of division present in the world of modern football. Should you have any pieces to share or wish to share the work of others, don't hesitate to send it to i.aint.no.jag@gmail.com.

Behold:

Who
Give a shit

And

Who gives a
Fuck
I am
Done with the NFL

Please leave
Me alone




Wow. So deep. Enjoy, my readers.

News in Short: Retro Gaming -- Mr. X Can't Believe He Forgot Galsia in the Cloner All Night Again

Infamous crime boss Mr. X was disappointed today to have discovered that he had left one of his primary henchman Galsia overnight in the syndicate cloning machine for the third time this month.


"Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" inside sources say he shouted repeatedly as he waded through the crowd of doppelgangers, having to kill several of them to reach the device. "How do I keep doing this shit?"

The syndicate, whose misdeeds have plagued the sprawling metropolis for three games now, rely heavily on the proprietary cloning technology to maintain its manpower as it battles police and vigilante forces -- poorly. Its leader knows, however, that they must adhere to strict limits when it comes to the size of their ranks.

"Yes, yes, I'd love to have all of you, but, believe it or not, my Kroger's discount doesn't let me add another 700 mouths to feed," he said, shooting a few more of the copies. "Christ, this is tiring. Where the hell is Donovan to help me clean this mess up?"

Fairly certain he heard the auxiliary cloning machine running, Mr. X yelled "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" and began to sprint toward the facility's basement.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Writers for 'This Is Us' Throwing Darts to Decide Which Pittsburgh References to Drop in Next Episode

Locals to the Pittsburgh region gushed yesterday at the numerous allusions to the city featured in the season two premiere of This Is Us, all of which were selected at random in a few round of darts by the show’s writing staff.

“At least in that market, the material doesn’t even have to be very compelling,” said writer Aurin Squire, as he took a drink from his vodka tonic and blindly heaved another dart toward the “idea board” for a new episode he had in the works. “We can just shove the names of a bunch of football players in there and have some drunk say a few funny words. The rest of the episode basically writes itself.”


Show creator Dan Fogelman set the series in Pittsburgh to provide it the proper backdrop for depicting “the complex relationships and challenges, both at a micro and macro level, that faced families raised in a once industry-driven town in transition.” In retrospect, he realizes he didn’t need to overcomplicate his approach. 

“My original plan was for us to honor the city with an exhaustive, multi-layered presentation of family life in Pittsburgh, forged and altered by diverse socioeconomic factors and the influx of white-collar workers into a social fabric consisting predominantly of raw, but skilled, labor,” said Fogelman. “Then we figured out that we just have to make sure you can see the Terrible Towel once every week, and the people there are completely content.”

Members of the writing team say they have applied the “idea board strategy” since the third episode of the opening season. They insist it has played a chief role in their success.

“Oh yeah, the board’s been great,” said writer Kay Oyegun, preparing to toss a dart over her shoulder as she looked away from the game cabinet. “OK everybody – heads up!”

“We need some bridge content for the next script!” she yelled, as the dart pierced the sticky note labeled “A bridge or some shit.” “This will be terribly easy: we’ll flash back to Rebecca trying to make up for Jack’s absence by doing everything she can for the kids, but then – oh no – there’s an accident on the Liberty Bridge or whatever. We’ll Google one of them and I’m sure everyone in Pittsburgh will be perfectly fine with it."

Despite the show’s acclaim, particularly in the southwestern Pennsylvania area, many viewers from region expressed disapproval of a scene in the season two premiere, where it appeared one of the characters was able to navigate the intersection of Route 51 and 88 during rush hour in under ten minutes without getting into an accident.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Alejandro Villanueva Stays Standing While Rest of Party Takes Seat at Olive Garden

"He just stood there and stared off into the distance," said a member of the wait staff, who complimented his otherwise polite presence. "I've never seen such a twinkle in one's eyes for pre-made soup that gets boiled in a bag."

 

"I just wanted to show my respect for the hard-working staff -- and those beautiful, buttery breadsticks," Villanueva commented.
Steelers offensive tackle Alejandro Villanueva attracted more attention to himself today after remaining upright next to his table at an Olive Garden, even after the remainder of his group had sat down.

The beset Villanueva was recently forced to step into the limelight following his minor departure from the Steelers' plan to remain in the tunnel during the national anthem in Sunday's game against the Bears in Chicago. He said his actions were misunderstood and apologized for "throwing [his] teammates under the bus." Accordingly, he had no intention of standing out during his casual dining experience.

"It's been a long couple of days so far," Villanueva said with a laugh. "So the last thing I wanted to do when the delightful server Cassie directed us to our table was be noticed. But when you hear you can get an appetizer, entree, and dessert for only $15.99, well, you kind of just freeze up."

Reports from other patrons about Villanueva's behavior have stayed consistent: the lineman approached the table alongside his fellows guests, but as the waitress offered them to be seated, he then became rigid with what one witness called "a transfixed gaze."

"You should have seen the eyes he made at my Eggplant Parmesan as it came out from the kitchen," said one of the visitors located near Villanueva during his visit. "I saw the look of a man who's seen 'things.' I don't know where, when, or how, but that man had a transcendent connection with my food."

The former Army Ranger Villanueva insists it was a natural progression of events, which he hopes did not offend any of the surrounding customers.

"My only goal was to demonstrate a humble, reverent sort of behavior for this patient staff, as well as the savory mix of flavors found only in this establishment's Zuppa Toscana," he said.

Some bystanders stated that Villanueva appeared to be kneeling at some point in his time at the restaurant, but it was later confirmed that he had only done so because he was choking violently after having attempted to swallow an entire breadstick whole.

NFL Players Finally Heed Advice of Insightful Radio Show Caller, Apply to Run for Election Instead of Public Displays of Protest

A large contingent of NFL players who have declined to partake in the national anthem prior to games in protest of racial injustice has at last yielded to the erudition of a local sports radio show caller and have begun to apply for public office in various places throughout the United States.

Greg Ogden, 56, of Baldwin, PA, has been championing the recommendation for players to become involved in politics at all levels since first hearing of former quarterback Colin Kaepernick's refusal to participate in the anthem.

Ogden makes a call from his Steelers-themed room that he cleverly calls, "The Steel Mill."
"If they don't like it, then why the hell don't they run for office? We live in a free country, you know," Ogden said, having uttered his favorite adjective for the 11th time in his 93 second phone call to 93.7 WFAN. "If you want change, then go get elected and do it there, but I shouldn't have to see it on TV."

A number of players who have since retired to join politics applauded Ogden for his incisive approach to their issue.

"It was really nice of Greg from Baldwin to break the situation down like that," said Michael Bennett, formerly of the Seattle Seahawks. "We were so caught up on the little things -- you know, the desperate urgency of the matter, the multiple incidents that continue to demonstrate that little is changing, the systematically imposed obstacles that would make it extremely challenging, if not impossible, for a black football player with no political experience to get elected -- that we never realized how easy it all was. Thanks, Greg!"

In elections to come over the next several years, an NFL player will be featured on the ballot for 57 spots in the United States Senate, 79 positions in the United States Congress, 39 seats among the various state congressional governments, 12 openings for governor, five for city mayor, four roles on the school board, and one slot for sanitation commissioner, for some reason. Numerous members of the group have already invested heavily into their campaign.

Sources say Ogden, upon seeing the first wave of political ads for former players, stated he "wish[es] players would just shut up and stick to what they're good at, like playing football."

Monday, September 25, 2017

I Was Gonna Come Up With a Clever Title for a Monday Football Post, But All the Good Ones Were Taken

Here's what to know in a roundup from yesterday's action all around the NFL:


(1) Steelers Stay in Tunnel for National Anthem, Forget to Come Out for Rest of Game

Tomlin admitted in a post-game interview that "the pinata probably could've waited."
A controversial decision to stay in the tunnel during the national anthem ultimately haunted the Steelers yesterday, as the team completely forgot to enter the field of play at any point, resulting in a 23-17 overtime loss to the then winless Chicago Bears.

Head coach Mike Tomlin shouldered the responsibility for the team's oversight in post-game interviews and conferences.

"It was a grave error and absolutely impermissible as a coach to have allowed this to happen," he said, pushing streams and confetti aside from his face. "We underestimated how little time the anthem would last and, I have to say, I should not have agreed to the Texas Hold 'Em tournament prior to kickoff."

The coach did have some positive news in spite of his team's first defeat of the season. "Luckily, we were able to minimize injuries, limited to some sore hands and strained shoulders from too many high-fives," he explained.
"Moreover, I would also like to announce that I am the 2017-2018 Pittsburgh Steelers Texas Hold 'Em Champion."

(2) Mike Glennon Fitted With Cyborg Arms, So He Can Still Hand Ball Off to Jordan Howard 700 Times Per Game


Following the Bears first win of the season against the Steelers, the team is equipping quarterback Mike Glennon with robotic arms to ensure he can maintain the upper-body endurance to give the ball to running back Jordan Howard nearly a thousand times each week.

"Mike is an extremely pivotal part of our game plan," said offensive coordinator Dowell Loggains. "I mean, without him, the ball would just bounce around back there and that's not where we want it -- which is passed on immediately to Jordan Howard's midsection between, oh, five and eight-hundred snaps a game."

Various members of the staff convincing Glennon went more easily than expected. "The chloroform helped," said quarterbacks coach Dave Ragone.

The team considered the drawbacks on the procedure as well, including that the strength provided by the new appendages may make Glennon's passes uncatchable. After watching him carefully on game tape, however, coaches quickly decided it was a moot point.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

New Madden 18 Feature to Provide Players Glimpse of Life After Retirement, Including Parole Hearings, Autopsy Results

An update to Madden 18 will introduce a “Post-Career Mode” that expands the experience to life events beyond football, ranging from the player’s first house arrest ankle bracelet to a toxicology report after the player dies in a violent car crash, EA Sports stated in a press release over the weekend.


The series first appeared on PC platforms in 1988 as John Madden Football until the company secured NFL and NFLPA rights in 1993. The growth of both the sport and the game since then was considered when designing the added content.

“Football has evolved into more than an interest; for many, it’s a passion and devotion,” the release read in part. “For this reason, we found it prudent to provide players access to the highs and lows off the field as well – be it the joy of having a sexual assault charge dropped or the misery of a medical professional explaining to loved ones that your brain suffered substantially from a degenerative disease.”

Over time, the game has earned a reputation for its accurate portrayal of the sport, which the developers aim to strengthen with its latest addition. Accordingly, the Madden team insists the new game mode will deliver a fully immersive experience.

“These aren’t just going to be some cutscenes that you watch and then, boom, that’s it,” said Andrew Wilson, executive vice president at EA Sports. “No, you’re actually going to be the one stabbing that man violently because he bumped into you slightly at a fine dining restaurant, and it will be you choosing what drug and how much when your player decides to shoot himself in a public place.”

“Too few painkillers and you might back out; too many, and you might die of an overdose before you make it out in front of people,” he added with a grin, underscoring his happiness with the feature’s nuance.

Sports Unfiltered spoke with several former NFL players about the new mode who agreed to have their comments shared under the condition of anonymity. They voiced similar concerns.

“I think you are going to have real problems with authenticity,” said one of the players. “I mean, you really think a video game will capture the rush of covering for your buddy when he shoots that dude who was talking shit? It’s a nice touch, but I’m a skeptic.”

Depending on public reception, EA Sports has stated it may experiment with other innovative game modes for future releases, including “Pre-Career Mode” where you can lose your scholarship to Alabama by tearing your ACL senior year of high school and later get incarcerated for robbing a convenience store.

Friday, September 22, 2017

Rush Limbaugh Not Sure What CTE Is, But Definitely Liberal Conspiracy

In his morning broadcast, conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh decried recent reports on the extreme dangers of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) as “yet another cog in the liberal fear machine,” admittedly without being entirely certain what the term represents.

“I’ll tell you, I’ve been scanning the headlines today and I’m seeing a lot about something called ‘CTE,’” he said on air. “And you won’t believe the number of left-wing nutjobs who are spouting and spreading this nonsense. Let me make one thing clear: whatever CTE is – be it a weather system, political mechanism, ethnic conflict, social disorder, or low-calorie post-workout snack – it’s nothing more than a figment of the imagination in the mind of lunatic snowflakes who just can’t handle it like real, red-blooded Americans.”


Limbaugh appeared unaware that CTE was a neurological disease resulting in large part from repeated impact and trauma to the head. That said, he assured his audience that he had encountered "similar left-wing fairy tales" before.

"It may go by a different name, but I've seen this yarn spun before. Just another myth invented by desperate whiny democrats and their cronies to make people support their impotent policies regarding immigration, healthcare, taxation, foreign policy, whether to order Chinese or pizza delivery, and whatever else this thing encompasses, which I am absolutely going to follow up on here in a few moments."

Ensnared in the tirade, he had no time before the impending commercial break to verify his suspicions, but pushed on with his conviction unabated.

“But we mustn’t falter, fellow patriots, in the face of this agenda manufactured by leftist spin doctors, though – to be fair – they may also be communist, anarchist, monarchist, abolitionist, post-modernist, or vegan as well,” he declared. “Whatever this CTE is, we must assemble, make our voices heard, and see to it that it’s stopped – or maintained, defunded, overruled, cured, defeated, or done over again, depending on what it actually is.”

“God save us all. Or maybe deliver it unto us. I’ll have to let you know after this short break from our sponsors,” he added.

After looking up CTE, Limbaugh reminded listeners upon his return that such a terrible thing would have never existed, had Colin Kaepernick just stood up for the national anthem.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Pens Preseason: Urinal at PPG Paints Arena Welcoming Return to Game Action -- Oh, and Jake Guentzel Had Five Points or Whatever

"Great to get back out there and do what I know I do best: act as a receptacle for liquid human excrement," said the porcelain veteran, while the 22-year old forward who dominated the ice on both ends desperately lobbied for attention.

The parade of penalties aside, Wednesday night's contest against the Red Wings appeared to feature the same mixture of players you expect this time of year.

For some, it offers a brief opportunity to experience the game at the NHL level, even if vying chiefly against those in the same position. Take, for instance, Jean-Sebastian Dea, Teddy Blueger, and Thomas Di Pauli.

For others, it's a time to get back into the routine and prepare for yet another long campaign. Cue Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Kris Letang, who don't partake much in the preseason as they enter their 30s.

Situated somewhere in-between, however, are those players who have proven their worth, but still go out there to show what's in store. On the Penguins side, there could only be one who comes to mind: the second urinal from the right in the men's lavatory behind section 105 of PPG Paints Arena -- and apparently Jake Guentzel, who did something good, we guess.

"Felt good to get in on the rush, but still slowly enough to keep from pulling your odor pad," said the urinal.
Following another off-season abridged by success, the wall-mounted toilet relished its first chance to round into shape as the grueling regular season approaches, seeming to have already reached mid-season form. The ceramic star did not disappoint -- and neither did Jake Guentzel, we think we heard on the radio. Honestly, we weren't listening very closely.

"Definitely good to get the rust off," it said in a post-game scrum. "Even if it isn't the 'real thing,' it gets you ready for what you know you're going to see soon: the powerful stream, the dribblers, the sharpshooters, the shotgun sprayers. And you can talk yourself through it. 'OK, how do I approach this guy?'"

It's a great start -- for the urinal; we didn't have time to check online how Jake Guentzel did last year -- but the bathroom pro, now its in seven season, knows larger challenges loom.

"You know the season is in full swing once somebody dumps you hard for the first time," it said, as Jake Guentzel continued to flail his arms at the gathered media, shouting about tallying five points, as if anyone cares. "It's not pretty when it happens, but it always does at some point so you just have to be ready."

Always magnanimous in the limelight, though, there was plenty of love for others in the organization. 

"Hey, but I wouldn't be where I am without the help I get from my team and those throughout the organization: the middle stall in the bathroom by the ticket office, my buddy Jim for always scrubbing me back into the shape after a long night, and even the guys down on the ice like Connor Sheary. I mean, you should probably talk to him; I heard he played a great game tonight."

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

News in Short: Disney to Pick Up New Cartoon Movie, Rejects Another

Disney announced plans today to finance a new animated feature that chronicles the life of a young doll whose neck grows longer every time he throws a bad pass. The new film, to be titled Glennochio, follows the doll and his maker through their efforts to wish him into a real quarterback someday. Executives warn it may not be suitable for all children, however, should it maintain its scripted ending in which the doll goes on to play for a miserable Chicago Bears team.


To allocate enough money for the film, the company had to pass on similar projects, including one about a lazy, melancholy sack of shit who gets just what he deserves when he gets signed by the Miami Dolphins. Management at Disney stated that it did consider the pitch seriously, though, after hearing the conclusion in which the anti-hero gives up and decides to work at the gas station instead.


(Now we're even, Mike.)

You Owe Me One, Buddy: I Wanted to Make Fun of Mike Glennon, But He's So Sinfully Ugly, I Made a Picture of Him With a Normal Fucking Neck Instead

Enjoy it, Mike -- you ungrateful dick.

"Who's that normal-looking guy?" people would ask if Mike Glennon actually looked like this.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Teenager Hoping Secret Character in "Who's Mom Dating Now?" Is Estranged Father

Brad Stevens hopes the latest participant in the group of men his mom has dated over the last year is in fact his biological father, Dave, he muttered angrily from his room Tuesday afternoon.

The comment follows an announcement by Stevens' mother, Connie, that he would have to get a ride to band practice tonight because she needed time "to make herself hot for [Stevens'] new daddy." It was met with considerable dissatisfaction from the sixteen-year-old.

"Good Lord, she probably really thinks this guy is 'the one,'" Stevens said. "Can't it just be dad? Please tell me she was too tipsy to realize the text was from his number and that this will work out."

The date would mark Mrs. Stevens' seventh since the spring of 2016, when a court decision denied Mr. Stevens contact and visitation rights with his family. From under his Nine Inch Nails covers, the teen began to chronicle some of the courting failures that had occurred in the meantime.

A display of Mrs. Steven's six companions since April 2016.
"Even if dad is kind of an asshole, nothing can be worse than that living North Face jacket," he said of his mom's first partner in his father's court-mandated absence, Reggie. "That preppy jerkbag had me spend an entire Friday evening paging through an L.L Bean magazine before my mom would take me to the movies."

Pulling a black beanie over his face, the young Stevens indicated that, upon further thought, his mother may have brought home some male figures more regrettable yet, not the least of which was his mother's fourth companion.

"Oh God, don't even get me started on Biff," the teenager shouted. "The dude stayed at our house for two straight weeks, just sitting on the couch and eating Doritos, mostly from off his chest or the cracks in the house. When you tried to talk to him, he stared at you and kept eating."

"I guess that was still nice, though, compared to Russ," he remarked of his mom's most recent unsuccessful date. "Yeah, Russ, thanks. If I ever need a refresher on how to play sports ball or a lame story about seeing John Fogerty at the airport, I'll let you know."  

Mrs. Stevens remains confident about her upcoming night out, despite cynicism from her only child.

"Oh, Brad thinks he wants Dave back, but he'll get over it quickly," she said, as her son promised to go to church if "God or whatever" would smite his mother and bring his dad home. "It's a shame it didn't work out with Russ; Brad just loved that story about John Fogerty."

--- 

UPDATE: Sources close to the Stevens household report that the man in question is Kevin, a co-worker of Mrs. Stevens, whom her son hasn't seen since a company picnic in 2013.

"Great. The guy who liked to call me 'Scout' and smells constantly like medicated ointment," he said. "For fuck sake, I'd rather be face deep in an L.L Bean catalog by now."

Monday, September 18, 2017

Pat Narduzzi Encouraged by Game Tape From Loss to Oklahoma State, Unaware He Was Actually Watching Recording of 'America's Funniest Home Videos'

In a post-practice press conference, Pitt football head coach Pat Narduzzi said he was "feeling better" today after watching the film to his team's 59-21 blowout defeat to Oklahoma State, having somehow overlooked that he was in fact watching a Bob Saget-era episode of America's Funniest Home Videos.

"I thought [quarterback] Max [Browne] really kept his cool in the pocket under some tough pressure," Narduzzi said of his starter, apparently mistaking an improvised line from Saget for a gutsy audible that Browne never made. "It was positive to me to see him stay in control even when the teleprompter goes out for a second like that."

"That's what I like to see!" Narduzzi reported yelling after confusing a toddler tackling her sibling for a hit by strong safety Dennis Briggs.

The coach went on to address other facets of the game tape that impressed him, seemingly unaware that he had been viewing an episode of the ABC comedy series from more than two decades ago.

"I was a big fan of how [running back] Chawntez [Moss] hit the holes. Thought he was really hard to tackle out there," Narduzzi commented, having evidently identified a small dog eluding its owners at bath time as the tailback who averaged less than four yards a carry.

"And let's not forget about some of the those guys on the line who helped open up that space," he added, presumably in reference to the house cat that tripped up the male in the video as he tried to reach for the runaway canine.

"Ball security was excellent as well," Narduzzi said of second-string quarterback Ben Dinucci while watching Saget hold on to a puppy.
At times, Narduzzi appeared to show signs of realizing he had not actually watched footage from the game, but he was quick to dismiss any considerations otherwise.

"I don't quite remember our punt team smacking the [Oklahoma] State player in the groin like that," he noted before pausing for a moment and shaking his head to reject any notion that the event had not taken in place in Saturday's game. "But I'll tell you what: it sure was funny. I bet the people at ESPN will be playing that one on replay for a while now."

As several members of the assembled media attempted to convince Narduzzi of the mix-up, the coach redirected conversation to planning for next week, stating he was still uncertain whether Max Browne or Ben Dinucci would start at quarterback despite having reviewed hours of game film that were really the first two movies in the Air Bud series.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Pirates Offer Glasnow Up for Free on Craigslist to Anyone With "a Good Home"

The Pittsburgh Pirates posted a Craigslist ad Thursday to give away Tyler Glasnow on the condition that any interested parties could promise him a comfortable, secure life at home.


The entire post reads as follows:
"so we have a pitcher whom we love dearly -- we really do -- but we just don't think it's going to work out with him anymore, so we're putting him up for free to anyone who can provide a good home.

before anyone judges, we take our pitchers to competitions, big ones, and unfortunately he just doesn't do very well when we get to them. honestly, at home, in the backyard or even at a friend's house in indianapolis, he's great: can do a bunch of tricks, listens to everything you say, and stands out among the rest.

at competitions, though, he just gets so skittish, and it's hard for us to keep him because we are really tight on money and can't afford to keep a pitcher who we can't take with us -- sorry :(. we even had him work with a special trainer we hired named Ray, who has been AWESOME with so many other pitchers we've brought in, but it just hasn't panned out all.

he's past his youngest stage, but he's still plenty spry! would definitely be a good pitcher to have around the house and spend time with your kids, just don't know if he'll ever be able to do professional performances again :( but maybe! it might help him to have a new family.

again, this is really tough for us, too. we got him from a pure breeder and spent a lot of time working with him, so you know we like him, but like we said, just can't take any more time to work with it.

anyway, we are open to any sort of pick up, or if you'd like, we can set up a day to come see him run around and play! he is really sociable and nice, so you might find your new best friend!

we're so sorry again, but look forward to finding our buddy a new home. thanks so much!

Bob and Neal

(note: we are not a couple; homosexuality is a sin)"

According to contacts in the front office, the post was flagged shortly after its appearance. Team owner Bob Nutting is said to have believed it was in response to an assumed lifestyle choice between him and General Manager Neal Huntington, issuing a statement to moderators to underscore their "extremely platonic, superbly professional" relationship. The appeal was denied and the post has since been removed.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Ted Cruz Blasted by Critics for Still Paying for Porn

United States Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), recently admonished for liking a tweet containing sexually explicit material, found himself in further trouble Wednesday after an investigation revealed that he was still paying for pornography online.

The findings were released earlier today in a report titled "Fiscal Sensibility in Sexual Content Allocations," spearheaded by a bipartisan commission of fellow Senators. They reproached the under-fire Cruz for his careless economic approach while seeking out sexual content on the internet.

"Spending $29.99 a month on a site called 'Big Texas Boobs' is just a travesty and, frankly, the people of Texas deserve somebody more thoughtful in spending than that," said commission participant Bob Casey (D-PA). "Come on, you could Google those three words together and get thousands of photos for free."

Cruz used his family credit card to subscribe to the various pornographic websites.
Other Senators involved in the investigation cited several key discoveries made early in the process that obliged them to continue. Perhaps most disconcerting was Cruz's search history, which was not packed with obscure fetishes, but rather indicators of amateur efforts to locate sexual media.

"[Cruz] actually typed 'www.porn.com' in the address bar," said Senator John McCain (R-AZ). "I mean, what are you, a teenager? I'm 81 years old and even I know that there are better ways to find dirty pictures and videos than that. Goodness, you might think he drove around looking for a Blockbuster first to see if they had an adult section."

Parts of the report did state that Cruz had at one point entered the search query "family video naughty section" on both his laptop and cell phone.

Meanwhile, others yet wondered if Cruz could be expected to connect with his constituents and provide them meaningful help and governance if his online habits are to reflect his understanding of modern media.

"You have to know by now that there is a 'tube' for this, that, and everything in between," said Senator Chris Murphy (D-CT). "But I guess if you go around using search terms like 'special parts on ladies' and 'very nice looking bosoms,' then you're bound to miss the standard-bearers in the industry. Seriously, though, if you can't figure that out, how are you supposed to navigate the tough challenges we have before us today?"

While members of the commission chose not to furnish extensive details, they mentioned the possibility of further investigation after they found out Cruz had visited the website "drugs.com" and then liked a post on Instagram about marijuana.

Man Catches 'Friends' on Date's Instant Queue, Considering Escape Options

Local man Rob Thompson is desperately attempting to flee the apartment of his date Michelle Engle after spotting the TV series Friends on her Netflix Instant Queue, sources close to Thompson reported this evening.

Thompson identified the offending show on Engle's iPad.
Thompson and Engle met around 5:15 p.m. at Primanti's in Market Square for post-work drinks that were determined to be a second date by members of their social circles. Given the circumstances, the 28-year-old from Mt. Washington still expected the night to conclude early.

"It's a Tuesday, so I figured it would be sort of an impromptu short date and that would be about it," Thompson said. "You know, a few beers, maybe a kiss goodnight, and we go our separate ways. But things really picked up."

After their second round, the pair decided to stay for dinner and build on a solid foundation developed during their first outing together to the North Shore for some biking and walking. Thompson was encouraged by the results.

"We both enjoy being active, like going to concerts, and I found out that we even listen to the same comedians, which is usually a telling sign whether you are compatible," he said.

"Besides, you don't always get a chance to date a girl willing to take on a capicola and cheese the second time you're out with her," he added.

After finishing their meals, Engle accepted Thompson's offer to pay for the food, so long as she could leave tip. Sources receiving live updates tell Sports Unfiltered that Thompson prepared to head out and go back home when his date made a bold move.

"Rob was speechless when she asked him over," said Thompson's friend and co-worker Steve. "At that point, he felt like he couldn't decline."

Having accepted Engle's invite, the two drove separately to the apartment she is renting in Robinson. After having made some cocktails, sources say the two of them sat on the couch where Engle pulled up her various streaming accounts and asked Thompson what he liked. He insisted on making safe suggestions.

"It's easy for guys to get too ahead of themselves and ruin it," Thompson said. "Sure, I'd love to watch the entire Rambo series in one sitting or down an entire season of Futurama, but  you can't come flying out of the gate like that, so I stuck to some AMC shows -- things that have a bit more broad interest."

Thompson anxiously deliberates how to get himself out of Engle's place without harm.

As Engle began to scroll through her Netflix offerings, Thompson tried to look busy until he noticed a familiar logo on the screen. It was here that panic set in.

"Oh Christ, I know that kitschy cover art; it's Friends," he alerted close members in his friend network via text. "She's probably going to ask me whether I think I'm more like Joey, Chandler, or Ross next. Fuck, fuck, fuck."

With increasing concern, Thompson has been cycling through possible means of escape with his closest associates for the past ten minutes.

"Well, [Engle is] on the second floor, so a window egress seems impractical," said his friend Tyler. "He had just put his arm around her, too, so he can't just look at the phone and say something came up without throwing up ridiculously mixed signals. Now she just went to the bathroom and he thinks she knows something is wrong."

As of press time, Engle is reportedly sitting in the bathroom with the sink running to call her old roommate and demand she "stop using the Netflix account to watch shitty shows like Friends."

"Jesus. After seeing that, I'm surprised [Thompson] hasn't jumped out a window yet," she could be heard yelling.

Monday, September 11, 2017

The Pinnacle of Professional Mediocrity: a Review of Pitt Quarterbacks in Pro Football

After two up-and-down games, Pitt starting quarterback Max Browne finds himself under increasing pressure to show improvement on the field.  Is the USC transfer student doomed to failure, or can he rise up and add his name to the list of Pitt alumni who have blessed professional leagues around the world with their God-given gift of being slightly below average?







Sunday, September 10, 2017

Snapshot News: Steelers Fan Can't Wait to Call Bob Pompeani and Sincerely Suggest That T.J. Watt Should Be Named Captain Now, Maybe Added to Hall of Honor

The call will take place on the car phone, shortly after the 15th beer.
After the caller falters on his initial premise, he will be sure to make an argument against Le'veon Bell fraught with racist overtones.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Sick of Waiting, Newly Minted DBZ Fan Nick Saban Will Just Kamehameha Super Perfect Cell Himself

Tired of waiting for Goku and Gohan to dispose of the threat, Alabama football head coach Nick Saban decided yesterday that he will have to defeat villain Super Perfect Cell on his own.

Saban admitted to having recently become a fan of the Dragonball Z anime, making it through a substantial portion of the series in several nights. Although it continues to maintain his interest, he has found some alarming patterns in the performances of its protagonists, particularly the father and son Saiyan duo.

"They started chatting like a bunch of co-eds," Saban complained, angrily gesturing at the television. "It doesn't matter who it is: Frieza, the Androids, King Cold, whoever -- just start moving your feet and run the play, dammit!"

"Guess you're just going to have to do it yourself, Nick," Saban muttered as he hunched to build his energy ball.


The long-time college coach is known for his unrivaled passion on the sidelines, a trait that has contributed to his reputation for being consumed by the game of football. That said, he doesn't try to hide how his work on the field influences his outlook elsewhere.

"You might be able to get away with that kind of stuff in the ACC -- or Namek -- but it won't cut it in the SEC," Saban said while rotating his arms to prepare for the rigors of charging an immense energy wave. "That junk won't lead to the win column, especially when you're playing Auburn or Florida -- or fighting a hyper-powerful alienoid that can learn and mimic play calls without having to watch hours of video."

"A shame I couldn't have him running my offense; probably out of eligibility," Saban said without a single suggestion of irony.

Despite the challenge facing the 65-year-old, he is still confident that his years of experience won't fail him.

"Sure, I can't throw a Kamehameha or ride out a Kaioken like I would have in my 20s, but I think I got what it takes," he said behind a growing ball of blue concentrated energy. "Besides, if I don't do it, then who will? Might take a lot out of me, though."

Latest reports from Alabama insiders indicate that the team's freshmen are currently running around Tuscaloosa on Saban's command in a frantic search for Senzu Beans so that he can still run a grueling practice tomorrow after he destroys Super Perfect Cell and finishes up the Majin Buu saga tonight.

Mutant League Football Announces Rule Changes to Increase Head Injuries, Beheadings

MLF Commissioner R. Jurk Kantspell revealed in a statement this morning that the league has adopted adjustments to its rules to ensure more players are leaving the game with significant brain trauma or complete loss of body parts.

"These changes in how the game is called are small but significant steps to make sure we are keeping are players as unsafe and on the edge of instantaneous death as possible," Kantspell explained in an interview with Sega Sports Network. "They not only benefit fans who got tired of watching players ably maneuvering their way on and off the field, but also the players who, after a grueling game, just want to avoid their families and die painfully."


Mutant League Football has sustained resounding success for the last two decades, but recent campaigns have seen a decrease in ratings that league owners and executives have pinned in large part on a drop in spinal dismemberment and cranium damage, culminating in 11% fewer deaths throughout the most current season based on the league average. The league considers this development unacceptable.

"We can't just let it happen this way," Kantspell said. "I mean, come on, we don't want 32 copies of the Mighty Weenies running around, do we?"

The amendments have yielded praise from many fronts, including Galaxy Aces coach Ace Bricka, whose word travels far as the league's all-time most successful boss on the sideline. 

"Can you imagine playing the highest level of mutant football to wake up some day and realize you remember your own name? Just terrifying," he said in a press statement made public after the league's announcement. 

"We have young skeletons walking away from this game perfectly healthy and with minimal chance of dying from a major brain malfunction. If you ask me, that's a problem."


While the initial changes have garnered a warm reception, the league hopes to continue re-tooling the game. Recent reports indicate team owners have debated adding a 15-yard penalty for not trampling a player's skull should he fall over on the field and allowing a 12th player on each side of the ball on the condition that he has massive amounts of dynamite sewn into his body.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Graham Zusi Notices His Porous Defending Now Even Being Heckled by Random Strangers, Graham Zusi

On the heels of another questionable defensive performance by the United States Men's National Soccer Team, right back Graham Zusi revealed in a post-game media scrum that he has discovered his play being criticized by unknown individuals and various passersby, including Graham Zusi.

"A few days after the Costa Rica game, I'm walking up to the sink in a Costco bathroom when I hear, 'Hey Zusi, you're flat-footed and make shitty reads on diagonal runs from the flank!'" said the American midfielder-turned-defender. "Then, I look up to call the guy out and realize it's... it's me."

Zusi begins to shout at himself after catching himself in the mirror of a fine jeweler.
The Sporting KC star and his teammates on the American backline have encountered considerable backlash of late from fans and pundits for poor showings in World Cup qualification games from which the United States squad desperately needs to secure points to guarantee a spot in next summer's tournament. Zusi insists he can handle the pressure, but the personal toll is worrying.

"I'm usually able to keep my life at home separate from work. It is just a sport after all," he said. "But things are starting to follow me around and I have to say, it's a bit concerning. I mean, yesterday, I was laying into myself for some 20 minutes after a shower for giving attackers too much space to cut in from the off-wing onto their strong foot before my wife finally barges in and tries to stop me."

"Worse yet, before I come to my senses, I point at myself and yell to her, 'Well, maybe if Graham over here could be trusted to play less sloppily in possession, then we wouldn't be having this argument!'" he added.

With qualification nearing its completion, the team will have to cooperate to cover its weaknesses and overcome the climbing pressure. Sports Unfiltered intended to ask Zusi how he thought the team would approach these challenges, but he was already too busy cursing out his reflection in a camera lens about "taking bad angles one-on-one" and "that douchebag hairdo."

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Pitt Debate Team Avoids Upset in Tune-Up Against CCAC With Last-Minute Rebuttal

Redshirt freshman Bricen Harper landed a pivotal rebuttal in the final moments to secure a 26-25 victory for the Pitt debate team in its season opener yesterday against intercity opponent CCAC.


The rebuttal followed a compelling argument made by team captain Max Crowne to hold off a Wildcats team that was not expected to compete as fiercely as they did.

"I got to give it to those guys [on the CCAC team]; they came here to debate and didn't let down up until the last remark," Crowne said. 

Like many large universities, Pitt typically reserves its first-week matchup for a lower-tier team to make adjustments before facing stronger programs. These games tend to result in lopsided wins for the bigger team, but the Panthers struggled in the debate's second half with a series of uncontested counterpoint bringing the CCAC team back into contention. Coaches insist nevertheless they won "the Pitt way."

"Just how it's done around here. Staple performance," said head coach Kat Spiccuzi. "We did things the way Pitt does them: play to the level of the opposing team, ending in a dramatic victory that should've never been so close or a heart-wrenching loss against the second-ranked team in the entire country -- you know, the usual."

After the narrow win, members of the Pitt chess team said they hope to elude any such close calls today in their opening match against Triangle Tech.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Man Promoted to Middle Manager Class Can't Equip Blue Jeans, Casual Polo, Learns Skill "Skirt Confrontation"

Following a promotion to the class of Middle Manager, former lease analyst Roger Murray can no longer equip the comfortable clothes he used to wear to work or use skills that were once critical to survive the work week, the 31-year-old said in a released statement Saturday.

Murray is employed by Jones Lang LaSalle, a commercial realtor based in Chicago, Illinois, where he has worked for eight years since his hiring shortly after graduating college. Brought on as a lease analyst, he had gathered enough experience that the corporate team thought it was appropriate to promote him.

"There are only so many stat gains to be had when keeping an employee in a base-level class," said Arthur Rhodes, the manager who pushed to move Murray into the Middle Manager. "We noticed he had maxed out in efficiency (EFC) and software knowledge (SWKN), and from there he was only going to see minimal increases in delegation (DLG) and time management (TMGT), so it seemed like the right moment to pull the trigger."

Murray was pleased at first with his promotion to a new class, but has found some of its limitations frustrating.

"I'm still loving the increased money and experience," he said from his new office that can still be upgraded four times as he progresses through his career arc. "But it's not without its drawbacks: I can't even put on my favorite Blue Jeans and Casual Polos I used to wear all those years. Like, I can't even touch them for some reason."

The restrictions do not stop there, however. Murray has also found that he is not able to bring along other party members when engaged in negotiations or staff meeting.

"This is a tough racket," he said. "Just last week, I could depend on Nancy, Greg, and Joe to get through our workload with each of us picking up some of the slack. Now, it's just ol' Roger, jack-of-all-trades out there doing what he can.

Worse yet, Murray can no longer wield the healing spell "Happy Hour," a regular in his daily arsenal that formerly helped him endure grueling battles with human resources and his Regional Manager, Barry.

"Every time I see Barry I know I'm in for the long haul," Murray reported. "He just starts crushing me with [the attack skills] 'Project Reports' and 'Backhanded Compliment,' and I can barely hang on. Now, I have a little more defense, but it was nice to know I had [Happy Hour] to back me up."

Ultimately, he understands the whole process is an adjustment.

"It sucks that I can't equip my Blue Jeans or Casual Polos," he noted. "That said, the job does open up some other things. I can equip 'Line of Coke' now and that +10 SPD really helps me get through a shitty day."

Friday, September 1, 2017

Snapshot News: Joe Haden Waves Back to Friends Still at Dawg Pound After Being Adopted by Family That Can Provide a Better Future

Joe Haden is sad to leave others behind, but looks forward nonetheless to a second chance at a good life.
Do you want to help suffering souls by providing them a home full of love, care, and affection? Click here to adopt your own from the Dawg Pound!