Friday, September 22, 2017

Rush Limbaugh Not Sure What CTE Is, But Definitely Liberal Conspiracy

In his morning broadcast, conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh decried recent reports on the extreme dangers of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) as “yet another cog in the liberal fear machine,” admittedly without being entirely certain what the term represents.

“I’ll tell you, I’ve been scanning the headlines today and I’m seeing a lot about something called ‘CTE,’” he said on air. “And you won’t believe the number of left-wing nutjobs who are spouting and spreading this nonsense. Let me make one thing clear: whatever CTE is – be it a weather system, political mechanism, ethnic conflict, social disorder, or low-calorie post-workout snack – it’s nothing more than a figment of the imagination in the mind of lunatic snowflakes who just can’t handle it like real, red-blooded Americans.”

Limbaugh appeared unaware that CTE was a neurological disease resulting in large part from repeated impact and trauma to the head. That said, he assured his audience that he had encountered "similar left-wing fairy tales" before.

"It may go by a different name, but I've seen this yarn spun before. Just another myth invented by desperate whiny democrats and their cronies to make people support their impotent policies regarding immigration, healthcare, taxation, foreign policy, whether to order Chinese or pizza delivery, and whatever else this thing encompasses, which I am absolutely going to follow up on here in a few moments."

Ensnared in the tirade, he had no time before the impending commercial break to verify his suspicions, but pushed on with his conviction unabated.

“But we mustn’t falter, fellow patriots, in the face of this agenda manufactured by leftist spin doctors, though – to be fair – they may also be communist, anarchist, monarchist, abolitionist, post-modernist, or vegan as well,” he declared. “Whatever this CTE is, we must assemble, make our voices heard, and see to it that it’s stopped – or maintained, defunded, overruled, cured, defeated, or done over again, depending on what it actually is.”

“God save us all. Or maybe deliver it unto us. I’ll have to let you know after this short break from our sponsors,” he added.

After looking up CTE, Limbaugh reminded listeners upon his return that such a terrible thing would have never existed, had Colin Kaepernick just stood up for the national anthem.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Pens Preseason: Urinal at PPG Paints Arena Welcoming Return to Game Action -- Oh, and Jake Guentzel Had Five Points or Whatever

"Great to get back out there and do what I know I do best: act as a receptacle for liquid human excrement," said the porcelain veteran, while the 22-year old forward who dominated the ice on both ends desperately lobbied for attention.

The parade of penalties aside, Wednesday night's contest against the Red Wings appeared to feature the same mixture of players you expect this time of year.

For some, it offers a brief opportunity to experience the game at the NHL level, even if vying chiefly against those in the same position. Take, for instance, Jean-Sebastian Dea, Teddy Blueger, and Thomas Di Pauli.

For others, it's a time to get back into the routine and prepare for yet another long campaign. Cue Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Kris Letang, who don't partake much in the preseason as they enter their 30s.

Situated somewhere in-between, however, are those players who have proven their worth, but still go out there to show what's in store. On the Penguins side, there could only be one who comes to mind: the second urinal from the right in the men's lavatory behind section 105 of PPG Paints Arena -- and apparently Jake Guentzel, who did something good, we guess.

"Felt good to get in on the rush, but still slowly enough to keep from pulling your odor pad," said the urinal.
Following another off-season abridged by success, the wall-mounted toilet relished its first chance to round into shape as the grueling regular season approaches, seeming to have already reached mid-season form. The ceramic star did not disappoint -- and neither did Jake Guentzel, we think we heard on the radio. Honestly, we weren't listening very closely.

"Definitely good to get the rust off," it said in a post-game scrum. "Even if it isn't the 'real thing,' it gets you ready for what you know you're going to see soon: the powerful stream, the dribblers, the sharpshooters, the shotgun sprayers. And you can talk yourself through it. 'OK, how do I approach this guy?'"

It's a great start -- for the urinal; we didn't have time to check online how Jake Guentzel did last year -- but the bathroom pro, now its in seven season, knows larger challenges loom.

"You know the season is in full swing once somebody dumps you hard for the first time," it said, as Jake Guentzel continued to flail his arms at the gathered media, shouting about tallying five points, as if anyone cares. "It's not pretty when it happens, but it always does at some point so you just have to be ready."

Always magnanimous in the limelight, though, there was plenty of love for others in the organization. 

"Hey, but I wouldn't be where I am without the help I get from my team and those throughout the organization: the middle stall in the bathroom by the ticket office, my buddy Jim for always scrubbing me back into the shape after a long night, and even the guys down on the ice like Connor Sheary. I mean, you should probably talk to him; I heard he played a great game tonight."

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

News in Short: Disney to Pick Up New Cartoon Movie, Rejects Another

Disney announced plans today to finance a new animated feature that chronicles the life of a young doll whose neck grows longer every time he throws a bad pass. The new film, to be titled Glennochio, follows the doll and his maker through their efforts to wish him into a real quarterback someday. Executives warn it may not be suitable for all children, however, should it maintain its scripted ending in which the doll goes on to play for a miserable Chicago Bears team.

To allocate enough money for the film, the company had to pass on similar projects, including one about a lazy, melancholy sack of shit who gets just what he deserves when he gets signed by the Miami Dolphins. Management at Disney stated that it did consider the pitch seriously, though, after hearing the conclusion in which the anti-hero gives up and decides to work at the gas station instead.

(Now we're even, Mike.)

You Owe Me One, Buddy: I Wanted to Make Fun of Mike Glennon, But He's So Sinfully Ugly, I Made a Picture of Him With a Normal Fucking Neck Instead

Enjoy it, Mike -- you ungrateful dick.

"Who's that normal-looking guy?" people would ask if Mike Glennon actually looked like this.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Teenager Hoping Secret Character in "Who's Mom Dating Now?" Is Estranged Father

Brad Stevens hopes the latest participant in the group of men his mom has dated over the last year is in fact his biological father, Dave, he muttered angrily from his room Tuesday afternoon.

The comment follows an announcement by Stevens' mother, Connie, that he would have to get a ride to band practice tonight because she needed time "to make herself hot for [Stevens'] new daddy." It was met with considerable dissatisfaction from the sixteen-year-old.

"Good Lord, she probably really thinks this guy is 'the one,'" Stevens said. "Can't it just be dad? Please tell me she was too tipsy to realize the text was from his number and that this will work out."

The date would mark Mrs. Stevens' seventh since the spring of 2016, when a court decision denied Mr. Stevens contact and visitation rights with his family. From under his Nine Inch Nails covers, the teen began to chronicle some of the courting failures that had occurred in the meantime.

A display of Mrs. Steven's six companions since April 2016.
"Even if dad is kind of an asshole, nothing can be worse than that living North Face jacket," he said of his mom's first partner in his father's court-mandated absence, Reggie. "That preppy jerkbag had me spend an entire Friday evening paging through an L.L Bean magazine before my mom would take me to the movies."

Pulling a black beanie over his face, the young Stevens indicated that, upon further thought, his mother may have brought home some male figures more regrettable yet, not the least of which was his mother's fourth companion.

"Oh God, don't even get me started on Biff," the teenager shouted. "The dude stayed at our house for two straight weeks, just sitting on the couch and eating Doritos, mostly from off his chest or the cracks in the house. When you tried to talk to him, he stared at you and kept eating."

"I guess that was still nice, though, compared to Russ," he remarked of his mom's most recent unsuccessful date. "Yeah, Russ, thanks. If I ever need a refresher on how to play sports ball or a lame story about seeing John Fogerty at the airport, I'll let you know."  

Mrs. Stevens remains confident about her upcoming night out, despite cynicism from her only child.

"Oh, Brad thinks he wants Dave back, but he'll get over it quickly," she said, as her son promised to go to church if "God or whatever" would smite his mother and bring his dad home. "It's a shame it didn't work out with Russ; Brad just loved that story about John Fogerty."


UPDATE: Sources close to the Stevens household report that the man in question is Kevin, a co-worker of Mrs. Stevens, whom her son hasn't seen since a company picnic in 2013.

"Great. The guy who liked to call me 'Scout' and smells constantly like medicated ointment," he said. "For fuck sake, I'd rather be face deep in an L.L Bean catalog by now."

Monday, September 18, 2017

Pat Narduzzi Encouraged by Game Tape From Loss to Oklahoma State, Unaware He Was Actually Watching Recording of 'America's Funniest Home Videos'

In a post-practice press conference, Pitt football head coach Pat Narduzzi said he was "feeling better" today after watching the film to his team's 59-21 blowout defeat to Oklahoma State, having somehow overlooked that he was in fact watching a Bob Saget-era episode of America's Funniest Home Videos.

"I thought [quarterback] Max [Browne] really kept his cool in the pocket under some tough pressure," Narduzzi said of his starter, apparently mistaking an improvised line from Saget for a gutsy audible that Browne never made. "It was positive to me to see him stay in control even when the teleprompter goes out for a second like that."

"That's what I like to see!" Narduzzi reported yelling after confusing a toddler tackling her sibling for a hit by strong safety Dennis Briggs.

The coach went on to address other facets of the game tape that impressed him, seemingly unaware that he had been viewing an episode of the ABC comedy series from more than two decades ago.

"I was a big fan of how [running back] Chawntez [Moss] hit the holes. Thought he was really hard to tackle out there," Narduzzi commented, having evidently identified a small dog eluding its owners at bath time as the tailback who averaged less than four yards a carry.

"And let's not forget about some of the those guys on the line who helped open up that space," he added, presumably in reference to the house cat that tripped up the male in the video as he tried to reach for the runaway canine.

"Ball security was excellent as well," Narduzzi said of second-string quarterback Ben Dinucci while watching Saget hold on to a puppy.
At times, Narduzzi appeared to show signs of realizing he had not actually watched footage from the game, but he was quick to dismiss any considerations otherwise.

"I don't quite remember our punt team smacking the [Oklahoma] State player in the groin like that," he noted before pausing for a moment and shaking his head to reject any notion that the event had not taken in place in Saturday's game. "But I'll tell you what: it sure was funny. I bet the people at ESPN will be playing that one on replay for a while now."

As several members of the assembled media attempted to convince Narduzzi of the mix-up, the coach redirected conversation to planning for next week, stating he was still uncertain whether Max Browne or Ben Dinucci would start at quarterback despite having reviewed hours of game film that were really the first two movies in the Air Bud series.