Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Philly Schools Celebrate Time Franklin Defended Colonies by Chucking Bud Light Pounders at British

Numerous school districts in and near the city of Philadelphia suspended normal classroom instruction today to celebrate when Benjamin "Beer Tosser" Franklin's warded off soldiers of the British Empire with violently thrown 16-ounce cans of Bud Light, various personnel and residents confirmed this afternoon.

"The city of Philadelphia and its people are often the target of viciously misguided criticism," said city superintendent Dr. William R. Hite, quickly closing an article in his browser reviewing local fan behavior at Sunday's playoff game against the Penguins. "So we wanted to highlight the brighter sides of the city's past, perfectly embodied by Mr. Franklin's fearless, historically valid defense of the American colonies with nothing more than full cans of Budweiser brand light beer."

Fourth-grade teacher Valerie Tyler said she thought the day's activities provided a valuable lesson to her impressionable students.

"It's so important for these young kids to see how history applies to the world around them," she said, appearing to cover up a worksheet that compared Sidney Crosby to King George III. "So, needless to say, I was in tears of joy to see them throwing their milk cartons at pictures of Jake Guentzel." 

"And the booing and middle fingers—gosh, they just learn so fast," she added.

Teachers from around the area shared other activities they used to commemorate Franklin's beer-heaving indignation, including brainstorming sessions about what else students could throw to vanquish their enemies and experiments with mannequins to see how best to injure somebody with a flying object. That said, not all parents were impressed.

"It's absolutely ridiculous," said father of two Joe Hardy. "It's great to learn about Ben hitting those dicks with beer cans, but what about that time Betsy Ross chucked batteries at the Brits to keep them at bay until the militia arrived? Or that time Rocky beat Santa Claus's ass for bad-mouthing the Eagles? You can't expect kids to enjoy history if you leave out all the good stuff."

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Snapshot News: Local Man Exhales for First Time in Ten Days

Claimed Kowalski after the 19-minute-long exhalation: "That was a lot of fun. I can't wait for the next series. Maybe I'll even have a heart attack."

Friday, April 20, 2018

Report: Nobody Stabbed at Pollock's Cafe Last Night

Not a single patron, employee, or otherwise associated individual was stabbed at Pollock's Cafe last night, pleasantly surprised sources reported this morning.

"I'm used to leaving that place with my hands up," said regular Connie Malone, 42. "Explaining that the bulges on my sides were just thick magazines to cover my vital organs from a good shiv – you know, the usual. So when I walked outside and there were no sirens or desperate cries to call 911, I was taken aback."

Employees at the Bloomfield dive corroborated statements like Malone's, expressing disbelief at the unexpected lack of violence.

"I couldn't believe my eyes at the end of the night," said bartender Angelo Russo. "I was sweeping up, and I didn't find even one person hunched over bleeding from their abdomen or lying on the ground, clutching at the wound on their chest."

Added Russo: "I don't think I even found a stray knife or pieces of a broken beer bottle. Wow."

In fact, several residents familiar with the bar explained that the unforeseen night of peace disrupted their routine, including having to cross the street to avoid police tape and relying on the ambulance sirens as a signal for the time of night.

"I have to get up really early for work," said Joey Stanton, 33, who lives in an apartment next to the bar. "So when I woke up and there were no ear-piercing shouts of agony or people stumbling out of the place holding their entrails in, I damn near wondered if I had missed my alarm."

"It's madness," he continued. "What's next? I'll go to Shur Save and somebody won't try to sell me pills in the parking lot? That would be the day."

Thursday, April 19, 2018

Snapshot News: Bruno Sammartino Refusing to Release Saint Peter From Headlock Until He's Met Everybody in Heaven

Per the currently ensnared Saint: "Sometimes, I wish I didn't have an infinite well of patience. Goddammit, does it suck. Uh oh. I hope He didn't hear that."

Monday, April 16, 2018

Local Man Still Lost in Beyond Section of Bed Bath & Beyond

Local man Gary Young remains missing somewhere in the beyond department of the Bed Bath & Beyond on McKnight Road for a third straight day, sources close to the 36-year-old reported this morning.

"I told Gary to stay somewhere safe, like by the towels or pillows," said Young's wife Tricia. "But he wandered off and next thing I know, he was sucked into the cold, mystical consumer void. I've tried to stay positive with the kids, but things don't look good."

"I just hope to cancel the credit cards before he gets swarmed by the hordes of vegetable and fruit holders," she added, sending pictures of family bank statements to her husband as a reminder of their limited funds for extraneous purchases. "Or something with Velcro. Lord knows Gary will pay out the nose for some useless gadget with Velcro on it."

Authorities claimed they were able to communicate with Wright, but have yet to direct him out of the otherworldly vacuum of the chain's more niche products.

"We could hear him talking with some sort of echo," said Ross Township Detective David Sciullo. "But every time we made some progress, he got distracted by the Quesadilla Maker for $59.99. We're just praying to get him back home before he runs into the homemade salsa machine or that toaster with an egg cooker attached to it."

Wright's friend, Jeremy, explained his behavior was not unprecedented.

"I used to live with Gary, and he was always finding ways to go adrift in the abyss of commercial goods," he said. "There was the time we spent about six hours in a Home Depot looking at grills and riding mowers until he dropped two grand on one."

"Our neighbors were pissed. It goes without saying, that's when we got kicked out of the first apartment."

Friday, April 13, 2018

Snapshot News: Lost Jason Voorhees Gets Picked to Start in Goal for Flyers

"Really takes command of the front of the net," said coach Dave Hakstol. "Isn't great playing the puck – kind of just hacks at it – but we'll deal with it."

As of press time, players staff reported having difficulty determining whether the man covered in blood and violently swinging a stick was in fact Jason Voorhees or former Flyers goalie and current GM Ron Hextall.

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

News in Short: Mature Local Man Apologizes Ahead of Time for Upcoming Stretch of Emotional Instability

Insisting there is "no way around it," local man Chuck Kowalski proactively apologized to friends and family today for the period of mental deterioration and violent mood swings he anticipates experiencing during the NHL playoffs, sources close to the 30-year-old confirmed this afternoon.

"I appreciate the heads-up after the unfortunate door-kicking incident last year," said friend Andrew Smith, cycling through pictures of the property damage initiated by Kowalski following a Penguins 2017 playoff loss. "I'm glad to see he's taking responsibility for his behavior and warning us ahead of time."

"That's how adults are supposed to handle things that ultimately don't mean much in life, as far as I'm concerned," he added.

Within the mass text, Kowalski reportedly insisted to friends that he is "really sorry and all that" for likely engaging in obscenity-filled tirades in front of their children and starting a fistfight with their neighbors, should they in some way speak highly of the other team's city or its residents. He also retroactively excused himself for incidents from the year prior.

"I'm a mature version of myself this year," he contended, according to friends. "That's why I'm here, like a man, to tell you now how bad I feel already about starting a fire in your den after a the Pens took a bad offensive zone penalty. And for the kitchenette I burned down last year – you know who you are."

As of press time, Kowalski was contacting the police to warn them of his potentially wayward behavior, also imploring them to remember that "those no-good, cheating motherfuckers deserved it" if they have to arrest him.