Wednesday, February 14, 2018

U.S. Men's Hockey Team Falls to Slovekistan or Whatever 3-2 Probably—or Maybe It Was 1?

The U.S. Men's Hockey Team opened their 2018 Olympics with a loss to Snovenkia or something like that by a score of 3ish-2 in all likelihood, though it could have been just 1, or perhaps a shutout?


"Not much to say other than it was a disappointment," the American captain, whoever it is, most likely said more or less. "You obviously want to get off to a strong start"—that sounds right, doesn't it?—"and now we've put the pressure on ourselves early."

"But when the going gets tough, the tough get going," we bet he would have added.

The Slovankistanians, meanwhile, were ecstatic following the win, you would think.

"We [are] very happy to win game," you have to imagine the one guy who could speak some English said at some point. "Good for country. We love country."

The Americans will have a day to regroup yada yada yada—you know how this stuff goes—before facing Yugoslavia, we're guessing, this Friday.

The group stage continues tomorrow as—"powerhouses"? Sure why not—powerhouses Finland and Germany meet up and maybe two guys will even fight or something? That'd be pretty cool.

Monday, February 12, 2018

News in Short: Man Still Hunting for Perfect Valentine Gift to Say 'Let's Try Anal'

Local man Bill Hunter remains occupied in his search for a Valentine's Day gift that will properly communicate his unconquerable and everlasting desire to penetrate his girlfriend's anus for the first time, sources close to the 29-year-old confirmed today.


"He wanted something that would tell his girlfriend that their relationship is 'extra special,'" said Brianna Smith, who works as an associate at a Hallmark location Hunter visited this morning. "Which isn't all that out of the ordinary, really. But he insisted none of the items here were 'the key to the dark, sometimes odorous, dungeons of pleasure.'"

After verbal clarification failed, sources say Hunter attempted to relay his ideal message in gestures.

"He came up to me saying he needed just the right thing to express his undying passion," said Tahnee Klein of Target. "That's when he curled his left index finger under his thumb and began to slowly insert the right one into the slight opening he had made."

"Let's not even get into the faces and moans he started to imitate," she added.

As of press time, Hunter had reportedly eased the standards for his purchase, so long as it made clear his "indescribable, enduring devotion to at least slipping a finger in there."

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Kessel Still Chasing Elusive 'Guy Fieri Hat Trick'

Penguins winger Phil Kessel refuses to consider the 2017-2018 NHL season a personal success unless he manages to complete an entire appetizer, entree, and dessert within one regulation contest, a feat known colloquially as the 'Guy Fieri hat trick,' the veteran scorer stated today.

Kessel celebrates a goal with teammates by taking on a basket of jalapeno poppers.
"Winning the Cup twice has been a phenomenal accomplishment, no doubt," he said after practice between mouthfuls of Combos Baked Snacks. "But I've got be honest: I'm hungrier than ever – figuratively, and quite literally to an extent you can't imagine. While we're on the subject, does anybody happen to have some spicy mustard?"

"Actually, scratch that. Found mine," he corrected, hoisting a squeeze tube of Gulden's brown mustard from somewhere in his equipment locker.

Thus far, Kessel has 24 goals and 65 points in 55 games on the campaign, on pace to set career marks. Penguins coaches believe that his passion for what he does has helped him reach such heights this season.

"When Phil wants to do it, he strives to do it well," said assistant coach Mark Recchi. "Whether it's putting the puck in the net or finishing an entire sack of off-brand Doritos between shifts, he has both the skill and drive needed to make it happen."

A livid Kessel demands former teammate Chris Kunitz tell him who stole his spoon.
The binge-eating hat trick has nevertheless evaded Kessel to this point, but equipment manager Dana Heinze revealed that the winger nearly completed it several times last year.

"He was really close in the playoffs, I recall. I think against Columbus," he said. "Everything he touched was just melting in his mouth. Then, right when he was about to dig into his sundae partway through the third [period], his spoon was nowhere to be found. A real shame."

"Honestly, I think he swallowed it while finishing his linguine with clam sauce. I guess those kinds of things happen when someone at that level strives for greatness. In fact, I hope so, because I don't how else to explain Sid[ney Crosby]'s gloves constantly being chewed up and left on the floor."

Monday, February 5, 2018

Developer Excited to Breathe No Life Into Bloomfield With Multi-Story Luxury Apartments

Indianapolis-based developer Milhaus readily awaits the chance to add no value to Bloomfield whatsoever by placing a several-story luxury apartment building on the site currently home to the neighborhood's IGA Shur Save grocery store, company representatives confirmed earlier today.


"We look forward to showing the whole city [of Pittsburgh] just how fast we can provide little to no meaningful substance to its most beloved neighborhoods," said Thomas Bost, Pittsburgh-based vice president of development. "It only takes a little time, elbow grease, public coercion, and hundreds of millions of dollars to transform a sacred niche within the city into a lifeless stretch of overpriced trends and commodities."

CEO Tad Miller outlined the various amenities designed to help do nothing for the community.

"I can envision it now," he said, making grand hand gestures that supplemented his explanation in no way. "The wholly vanilla facade will stand out among the area's homes and businesses. And we will have an array of windows, so residents who can't afford to live here can see just how little the massive swimming pool and fitness center have enriched their lives."

"Don't forget the gastropub and speakeasy in the basement that will make it tougher for the favorite establishments of second- and third-generation townsfolk to survive!" he added.

Locals expressed uncertainty regarding the proposal, but the Bloomfield Citizens Council lobbied on its behalf.

"We firmly believe this project, if approved, will make an unequivocally hollow impact on the community and its people," a post on their website read. "In fact, between the increased commercialization of the Little Days celebration, the cancellation of the yearly Halloween parade, and the closing of long-tenured icons like the Bloomfield Bridge Tavern, this development can squeeze every last inkling of life out of this place at a rate we could never achieve on our own. And for that, we on the Citizens Council would like to say thank you, Milhaus. Thank you from the bottom of our black, frigid hearts."

Tragic: This Eagles Fan With Alzheimer's Can't Remember Last Time He Called Opposing Fan Pussy Ass Cocksucker

Terms like "pure ecstasy," "unbridled adulation," and "massive brawl in progress, please send backup" approximate the kind of feelings that finally found their outlet in the Philadelphia Eagles' 44-31 win in Super Bowl LII last night, though words themselves could never suffice to capture the raucous behavior of the team's most impassioned fanatics.

Long-time Eagles fan Eddie Palanzo's battle with Alzheimer's, however, has muted his expression. In fact, the disease has struck so aggressively that he has difficulty recalling his most recent tirades of assaulting fans of other teams with obscene gestures and vulgar nicknames.

"Oh, it feels like yesterday I was shooting the finger at that punk bitch from Dallas and calling him king of the cock rodeo," said Palanzo, looking off into the distance. "Or was that when I was mooning a Steelers fan while telling him he was know-nothing shithead who should jump into one of the mills? God, I can't even remember anymore."

Palanzo's granddaughter, Teresa, has seen the problems develop first-hand.

"I take pap to all his appointments and to do some basic chores, and it gets harder every day," she said. "Just yesterday at dinner with the family, I was reminding him about that fat piece of fuck from Boston wearing a Brady jersey we saw at the grocery store, and it took him a good 30 seconds to even blurt out that the guy was 'probably a real asshole.'"

"And he forgot making the cocksucker gesture altogether – it's just really sad," she added, fighting back tears. 

Palanzo's friends reiterated Teresa's sentiments.

"We was talking to him the other day, and we really had to work to jog his memory on that night we were breaking car windows and throwing beer bottles at Dallas fans after the Eagles pounded those Cowboy dickwads in '81 to go to the Super Bowl," said Jack Miller, a friend of Palanzo's for more than 40 years. "It hurts to see him like this."

"You spend decades causing property damage, starting fights, and cursing out children with the guy," said Fred Martin, another close friend, "and all of sudden that light, that spirit, that loving, kindhearted nature – it all disappears just like that."

Friday, February 2, 2018

I Hate Sportsball as Much as Anybody, but Goddamn Do I Love Me Some Fucking Buff Chick Dip

It's pretty simple, honestly. Sports are stupid. The explanations are endless: a farcical display of machismo; an outlet for pent-up testosterone in meatheads; some lingering desire to prove oneself as the physical alpha male despite civilization having long rendered it unnecessary. So if I'm around and a sporting event is on, you can be sure that I'll be there making snide comments about the game's baser qualities.

That said, there's no way anybody is going to manage to keep me from their Super Bowl party. Because as much as I loathe the idiocy of sportsball, holy shit am I going to eat the fuck out of that buffalo chicken dip.


Oh yeah, you bet I'll be asking aloud how somebody could possibly cheer for a game that destroys the bodies and brains of its heroes. And hell yeah will I be elbow-deep in my own bag of tortilla chips, digging every last fucking scrap of gooey, spicy deliciousness off the bottom of the pot.

It doesn't stop there, though. Damn right, I'm going to annoy the entire party by constantly yelling things like, "Kick that dunk ball out of the park!" and purposefully asking ridiculous questions I already know the answer to from having overheard enough around you jackasses. Likewise, I'll be grabbing every stray piece of bread, chips, pretzels, or any godforsaken vessel I can get my hands on to deliver that cheesy buffalo orgasm directly to my taste buds.

You know that guy who goes apeshit over seeing Justin Timberlake, but mocks you for nearly breaking into tears after the one oversized clown in the jersey took the ball all the way to the score zone or whatever? Yeah, that's me  except with the guaranteed caveat that I'll be working the slow cooker like I'm giving it the prostate exam of a fucking lifetime, and if it's empty, I'll be hunting through your fridge like I'm diving for goddamn pirate treasure to make some more.

Some of you may not be football fans, you tell yourself, and think you can be spared from my wrath. Have no fear, though. The Olympics are just right around the corner, and I'll tell you this: I may think it's idiotic to slide down a snowy hill on two plastic planks, but sweet motherfucking Christ I'm going to tear that pepperoni roll from limb to proverbial limb like I'm doing it for one of those stupid ass gold medallions or whatever.

Monday, January 29, 2018

Eagles Fan Re-Watches ‘Rocky’ Series in Search for a Few Motivational Metaphors or Some Shit

“Die hard” Eagles fan Tommy Callahan reportedly scoured the entire ‘Rocky’ film series last night for “even one measly fucking metaphor” to help maintain his spirits during the team’s showdown against the heavily favored New England Patriots this Sunday in Super Bowl LII.


“I wouldn’t exactly call Tommy studious,” said long-time friend Ryan Cavalier. “Hell, I don’t even know if he qualifies as literate. But he was up there highlighting the shit out of lit[erary] analysis passages and scribbling thoughts down in a notebook, so he seemed pretty serious.”

Callahan’s sister, Amber, indicated that he regularly devises schemes to “keep energized” during significant games for Philadelphia sports teams.

“When the Phillies went to the World Series in 2008, Tommy spent hours every day reading the dictionary,” she said between knocks on the 33-year-old’s door to see if needed another cheesesteak or Yuengling. “He even called off two shifts of work for what he called ‘prep time.’ I thought he was going to come up with some enlightened ways to stay positive during the games, but turns out he was just trying to build compound obscenities to yell at opposing players.”

“Matt Garza was a real donkey-inseminating fuck stick that year, though,” she conceded.

Other sources acquainted with Callahan have shared their doubts regarding the potential success of his work.

“I had Tommy in class, and I wouldn’t count literary insight among his assets,” said Sally Weigel, Callahan’s English teacher in high school. “Nor was coherent writing for that matter. It was very impassioned, to be sure, but I think that, even with considerable creative license, you shouldn’t constantly attempt to rhyme ‘batteries’ with ‘AIDS.’ Nevertheless, as a former student, I wish him the best.”

As of press time, sources confirmed that Callahan had started another pass at the films, having downgraded his search to “at least a decent goddamn simile, for fuck sake.”