Friday, June 8, 2018

Snapshot News: Tom Wilson Congratulates Ovechkin With Hearty Blindsided Elbow to His Head

Wilson later told assembled media that the first thing he intends when he gets home is greet his dad with a loving punch to the face, as per family tradition. 

Thursday, June 7, 2018

Primanti Bros. Reveals List of Potential Neighborhood-Themed Sandwiches to Follow "The Polish Hill"

Primanti Bros. restaurants will feature a limited-time sandwich called "The Polish Hill," packed full of kielbasa and pierogies. The starchy-smoky creation might not be the only new addition, however. Here is a list of other sandwiches the Pittsburgh chain has considered for future release. Which would be your favorite?

The South Side: world's first 80-proof sandwich, tastes great with Red Bull and shamelessness

The South Oakland: best sandwich of your life until you realize you'll be paying it off for the next 30 years

The North Oakland: slightly aged sandwich that makes you feel way worse than you ever remember feeling after eating The South Oakland

The Bloomfield: piece of paper with the phone number for Angelo's written on it

The Hazelwood: secret sandwich offered exclusively to Amazon as part of HQ2 bid

The Sheraden: sandwich you never heard of, but isn't that good anyway

The Hill District: Pittsburgh Penguins ownership refuses to pay for sandwich even though they had their hands all over

The Squirrel Hill: not available on Saturdays

The North Side: majority of ingredients came from North Catholic

The North Shore (Steelers Version): never tastes as good as it looks

The North Shore (Pirates Version): sandwich hasn't consistently tasted good in decades 

The North Shore (Super Bowl Version): three ingredients come off of Chris Boswell's toe, which is just disgusting 

The Strip District: ingredients not as good as those in the officially licensed sandwich, but you can hardly tell the difference

The Downtown: final prototype never completed because parts of it were constantly under construction

The Homestead: there's probably a good way to joke about plopping beacons of rampant commercial- and materialism in the middle of an otherwise lower-income area still recovering amid the region's slow transition from steel production, but the fuck if we know what it is

The Brookline: sandwich tastes good for one noticeable stretch and the rest of it is sort of whatever

The Mount Washington: that sandwich everybody suggests their friend from out of town tries

The Shadyside: seems full of deep and complex flavors, but tastes like shit once you bite into it

The Lawrenceville: features such high-demand ingredients people who would actually like the sandwich can't afford to eat it, served with can of La Croix

The Garfield: same as 'The Lawrenceville,' but will take a couple more years to cook

The Three Rivers: sandwich discolored, generally unfit for human consumption or contact 

The Kennywood: a really good sandwich, but only if you eat it once, max twice, a year

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Violent Shitstorm Forecast for Pittsburgh Region This Saturday

A severe shitstorm of country music and excessive binge-drinking will develop over the Pittsburgh region this Saturday, expected to bring with it flood-like volumes of garbage, a barrage of limp bodies crashing into one another or the pavement, and significant damage to the area's dignity, members of the National Weather Service warned this morning.

"We're going to see a huge Kenny Chesney low-talent system clash with a dangerously dense patch of cheap rum and Bud Light," said NWS team member Lara Heigel. "When you add in the intense atmospheric effect of bro country that will be present in the region, the result is an absolute clusterfuck of a shitstorm that poses serious risks. Be careful, Pittsburgh."

Mayor Bill Peduto stated that his office has continued to work alongside emergency services in the region to prepare for the incoming disaster. He added that, if need be, the city is prepared to declare a state of emergency.

"Planning is the easy part," he noted in a press conference earlier today. "But when those Corona bottles start flying in your face and you're up to your eyes in 'country folk' from Robinson Township screaming insufferable song lyrics at the top of their lungs, it's good to know you can call in state-wide resources to help you weather the shitstorm."

Meanwhile, local news stations have issued precautions for the public to stay safe during the height of the ominious conditions.

"We could see threatening amounts of vomit and intoxicated males arguing over whose truck is louder," said WPXI meteorologist Scott Harbaugh. "I can't stress this enough people: stay inside, get to any underground space you have, and only leave if your basement or safe zone begins filling up with Bacardi and Coke or a group of males clad in American-flag tank tops starting a fight."

Cautioned Harbaugh further: "I don't want to stir fear, but if there's a residual impact from the Dave Matthews front coming through on Friday, then we could be looking at shitstorm of apocalyptic proportions."

Sunday, May 27, 2018

Snapshot News: Starling Marte Stands Out in Return With Massive Home Run, Head

"I felt great out there," said Marte, scratching vigorously at a patch of acne on his back. "Feeling stronger than I have in a while, in fact."

When asked to expand upon that comment, Marte broke out into a seemingly unprovoked furious tirade, claiming the request was part of a "witch hunt" to get him and breaking baseball bats with just his hands.

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Indianapolis Developer Responds to Needs of Bloomfield Seniors With Affordable Unfurnished, Zero-Bathroom Caskets

Indianapolis-based real estate developer Milhaus plans to cater to the needs of Bloomfield's senior residents with a cost-conscious, zero-bathroom coffin they can happily rent  and die in for a fraction of the expense of a normal room, the company sources revealed today.

"We most certainly care about the long-term well-being of Bloomfield's elderly population," said VP of Pittsburgh development Thomas Bost, unveiling a mock-up of an unfurnished casket to be added to the proposal. "So we have promised to build 50 units of this lovely, state-of-art coffin to ensure that no family has to worry about grandpa or grandma having a reasonably-priced place to die as we bulldoze the neighborhood they loved in the name of our bottom line."

"Plenty of room for spinning in one's grave, too!" he added excitedly.

Bost and company representatives touted a number of amenities in the new model that will make it ideal for prospective renters of advanced age.

"People will love the convenient access to no air," president of construction James Benning noted in a review of the mock-up.

"Oh, and this," he said, pointing to a particular element of the design. "This here is my favorite part: a faultless locking mechanism that allow residents to embrace the slow caress of death in peace. It's going to be great."

Despite the move catering largely to senior citizens, Milhaus CEO Tadd Miller made it clear that the space can provide options for more than the elderly.

"We've heard many claims from current residents of all backgrounds and ages that this bid will only happen over their 'dead body,'" he said when reached for comment. "Well, we have adjusted the layout design and are fully prepared to cash in on this bluff one rotting body at a time. These caskets aren't limited to older folks: young people looking to downsize will love the simplicity of dying in our 100% high-quality wood coffins, too."

"Don't die with the rest," he added with a point of the fingers. "Die with the best! Milhaus."

Friday, May 25, 2018

New NFL Rule Gives Players Freedom to Give Up Convictions in Locker Room or on Field

A new rule regarding behavior during the national anthem will grant players the freedom to completely abandon their convictions in the privacy of the locker room or out on the field, Roger Goodell stated this afternoon.

"America is all about freedom," Goodell said. "So we wanted to make it clear in our new rule that players are unequivocally free to forsake their most prized, meaningful beliefs out in front of the fans or in their own way behind closed doors."

The message from several owners mirrored the sentiments expressed by Goodell in his press conference.

"We don't want players to feel forced into anything," said Steelers majority owner Art Rooney II, as he counted $100 bills in his back office. "That's why we are giving them free rein to make their message go unheard alongside their teammates, sitting dejectedly in front of their stall, or, if they so please, from the comfort of their own home after being cut and conspiratorially ousted from the league. The world of forfeiting one's values is open for the taking, so have at it, I say."

"Just as the Founding Fathers intended," he added, having to restart his count after losing track at several million dollars.

Some owners, though, felt the new rule could have gone significantly further.

"We at the Dallas Cowboys embrace freedoms in all its forms," said team owner Jerry Jones. "Personally, I think it's a tragedy we didn't make room for these men to surrender their most fundamental humanitarian interests while celebrating a TD or in public appearance outside of football. Only then would we hear freedom ring."

When asked about former quarterback Colin Kaepernick, Jones offered support.

"If Colin wanted to come sign with the Cowboys, I'd welcome him with arms," he said. "That inspiring young man can have his dreams crushed in the blue and silver any day."

Thursday, May 24, 2018

News in Short: Sports Journalists Can't Wait to Re-Tweet Fake James Harrison Quotes on New NFL Rule

Validity and language of origin notwithstanding, sports reporters are "chomping at the bit" to rapidly disseminate any quotes falsely attributed to retired linebacker James Harrison regarding the NFL's new anthem protest policy, sources with thumbs resting impatiently on their smartphone keyboards reported this afternoon.

"No more free agency, no draft—we need some material," said one anonymous sports columnist, cycling vigorously through Twitter feeds for "Jameson Harrison," "James Harrisson" [sic], and an account with James Harrison's face whose user appeared to post in Slovakian. "And James is always good for a juicy hot take. Well, James or a 16-year-old from a random town in the Midwest, but whatever. News is news!"

The rise of misinformation has affected many players other than Harrison, including Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Roethlisberger was unavailable for comment, however, as he has already blocked this publication on Twitter despite no previous contact.

As of press time, the first fake Harrison quote appeared to have started its spread among social media users.