NFL commissioner Roger Goodell stumbled through a press conference regarding the league's stance on the national anthem today, as fecal matter rushed profusely from his mouth every time he attempted to speak.
Goodell has faced heat from both sides in recent weeks, with owners frustrated about protests of the national anthem potentially having an adverse effect on their bottom line. The players, meanwhile, have been waiting for the league to take a firm position before considering their next course of action.
Yet unable to appease either side, the embattled commissioner seemed set on working towards that end in today's conference, but his statements were constantly interrupted by copious volumes of feces.
"First, we want to say that we understand why fans are HUUUUUUUUHGLKKKPUUHTHFF," he tried to explain while vomiting a river of shit. "Of course, we support the players in the right to GLUUUUUUHGKTHFFF."
"HUUUUUH," he added, a bit more excrement spilling onto the podium in front of him.
He aimed to clarify these comments, but before he could articulate them properly, his pants spontaneous combusted into flames.