Saturday, December 9, 2017

Snapshot News: Buffalo Police Willing to Forgive One Misdemeanor for Bills Fans Shoveling Snow Before Colts Game

Despite the lenient nature of the offer, officials have urged fans to "please dear God" refrain from fucking each other in the parking lots.


Much to fans' chagrin, however, they have not clarified whether the pardon can be applied to a misdemeanor issued due to events at tomorrow's game.

Roethlisberger to Offer Sacrifice to AFC North Gods in Preparation for Game Against Ravens

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is to perform his latest ritualistic sacrifice this afternoon in an attempt to gain favor from the gods of the AFC North before the team's bout tomorrow with division rival Baltimore Ravens, insider sources confirmed.


Roethlisberger sparked widespread reaction with post-game remarks that the violent, penalty-laden game Monday between his Steelers and the Cincinnati Bengals was nothing more than "AFC North football." Despite considerable criticism aimed at such a style of play, the Steelers veteran continued his weekly routines seemingly unaffected.

"You can't get too caught up in all that stuff," said Roethlisberger, as he ran his fingers across the blade of his sword, creating a particularly fine wound that suggested the weapon's supreme sharpness. "You just have to keep your cool and take it one day at a time, whether it's watching video or beheading another victim to appease the deities that rule over the division.

"Hey, I didn't make the rules," he added with a shrug of his leather-covered breastplate.

Coach Mike Tomlin has faced equally daunting challenges this week, tasked with rallying his players after a frightening spinal injury to linebacker Ryan Shazier. Given the circumstances, he is happy to see his quarterback soliciting whatever help the powers that be may choose to furnish.

"We understand that this game is a war of attrition," he said, while Roethlisberger steadied his sword and focused his aim upon the neck of the human offering. "Particularly one that is won by placating the fleeting whims of the AFC North gods that look upon us and laugh at our petty mortal struggles. So I praise our quarterback's initiative."

For Roethlisberger's part, he appeared to cherish the autonomy in his preparations.

"We're not huddling, waiting for the call from the sidelines; I pretty much run this all myself," Roethlisberger said, glancing at the available hot routes for the execution taped to his gauntlet. "I have to know where to best lay the prisoner down, the angle to hold his neck, and make the proper adjustments in the delivery of my downward stroke. It's some really in-depth stuff."

As of press time, Roethlisberger was yelling "Dilly dilly!", prompting his teammates to reposition the body of the sacrifice and hurry off to grab the quarterback's favorite battle axe.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

News in Short: Marvin Lewis Celebrates Another Textbook Loss in His Storied Career of Fucking Shit Up

Cincinnati Bengals coach Marvin Lewis went out for drinks yesterday to celebrate his team's most recent defeat as another vintage loss to add to an already impressively unsuccessful career, friends and family confirmed today.


Lewis saw fit to "soak in the sweet taste of non-victory," as his Bengals faltered spectacularly in their Monday night match-up against the Pittsburgh Steelers, jeopardizing their chances to make the playoffs as a wild card. The team led 17-0 at one point in the first half, but the long-time underachieving coach accepted the challenge with an unparralled inability to manage players, emphasize discipline, and make winning adjustments as the game progressed. Lewis insists it came naturally.

"What can I say? It's a gift," he said between high-fives with patrons and anecdotes of other remarkable failings. "No matter the situation, no matter the lead, no matter how many significant injuries we cause for the other team, I know I can get our guys to believe in what we do best: lose important football games."

However, Lewis was quick to deflect questions whether he considered himself one of the greatest. 

"I've got a long way to go before I can count myself on the same level as Cleveland."

Monday, November 27, 2017

Snapshot News: Pantless Man in Front of Computer Realizing Cyber Monday Is Bit of a Misnomer

"Kind of explains the sour reactions I got when asking random people for their ASL (age, sex, location)," the man reflected. "Not surprised, though. Things in the online world have really gone south since everyone started straying from AOL."

Several hours on Chat Roulette ended much less fruitfully than the man had anticipated.
The man has insisted, however, that there will be no such confusion on his self-declared "Touch Yourself Tuesday."

Post-Game Report: Packers Fan Irritated Pittsburgh Friend Couldn't Find Him Despite Providing Exact Cheese Coordinates

Green Bay Packers fan Bob Neuhauser was frustrated last night that his friend was unable to locate him inside Heinz Field, even after he had issued precise cheese-based coordinates, sources close to the 34-year-old verified this morning.

"No! No! No! That's in the direction of sharp cheddar! I clearly said 'mild,'" Neuhauser shouted into his phone.
Neuhauser attended the Steelers game with Polish Hill native Kurt Polanski, whom he befriended in college. Reports suggest that the two separated near the end of the third quarter when Polanski offered to buy one more round of beers while Neuhauser went to the restroom. The Madison, Wisconsin resident called Polanski shortly thereafter to clarify that he was standing in the rotunda on the right side of the stadium's open end, but had difficulty explaining his location by only describing it with cheese-associated terminology.

"What else do I need to say?!" fans near Neuhauser reported hearing him yell. "For the last time, I'm standing right in the middle of American and Colby Jack! How hard is that to understand?!"

Friends of the pair told Sports Unfiltered that Polanski asked for other indicators, including the number of nearby sections, what vendors or signs were in the vicinity, and that Neuhauser "wave [his] arms around like he's grasping at the last slice of Pepper Jack," but the efforts failed.

"Listen, I'm going to walk to in the direction of Swiss," Neuhauser replied. "You do the same, and I think we'll meet up somewhere around Feta."

Polanski reportedly recommended that they instead "catch each other at [his] place after the game." Neuhauser is said to have arrived at approximately 1 a.m. after the Uber driver insisted he didn't know how to get to the corner of "Muenster and Provolone."

Saturday, November 25, 2017

What If: Pitt to Wonder What Could Have Been, Had They Just Beaten Georgia Tech, Syracuse, NC State, North Carolina, and Virginia Tech

The atmosphere in the Pitt locker room Friday afternoon matched the moment: fists pumped, chests bumped, and shouts filled the air. It culminated in a display that one would expect from a group of young men that had just toppled -- by ranking, anyway -- the second-best team in the entire country before a home crowd in its last game of the season.


Still, something else hung in the air that stymied the mood; everyone in the room could sense the presence of a counterbalance looming nearby. Players identified it easily: disappointment.

Such was the Panthers' dilemma following their 24-14 win against then #2 Miami to wrap up the 2017-2018 season. At 5-7 and with only a fleeting chance of a bowl bid, players were left to consider where they might be had they only managed to defeat Georgia Tech, Syracuse, NC State, North Carolina, and Virginia Tech.

"Honestly, it's just disheartening," said redshirt senior WR Jester Weah, reflecting on his final year at Pitt. "Think about it: all we needed were four or five more wins and we are talking about a season to remember."

"That's all it would have taken," he emphasized.

Indeed, a cathartic conference win to conclude regular-season play seemed to open old wounds, and Pitt's are numerous: had they simply scored to overcome Virginia Tech in the game's final drive, not somehow succumbed to a weak North Carolina team, looked like they belonged against a clearly superior NC State squad, not squandered the game against a beatable opponent in Syracuse, and shown up for their first ACC bout against Gerogia Tech, they could have made a serious run at being considered decent.

"Yeah, those two, three, four, five or so games -- they could've made a big difference," said Aliquippa native Jordan Whitehead. "We could have been, like, ranked or something."

"People would've been talking about how all right we are and how we have a shot to qualify for a pretty good bowl and stuff," he added.

Not all the players are letting the losses haunt them, however. Freshman QB Kenny Pickett was ready to look ahead and prepare for the future. "You can't let these kind of things keep you down," he said. "For me, it's time to push my limits in winter training, make some phone calls, and hope my big win can land me a transfer before next fall rolls around."