Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Idiot Freshman Picks Antoon's

Pitt freshman and complete jackass Marty Mullen, 18, has chosen Antoon's as his preferred pizza in close proximity of the university, the absolute moron confirmed today.

"As a college student, I'm always strapped for cash," said the inconceivably stupid Mullen, who reportedly orders Uber instead of using the transit system for free with his Pitt ID and purchases snacks for his dorm at a premium mark-up from the Rite-Aid on Atwood Street, all seemingly to justify his awful taste in pizza. "So for six bucks plus tax, I know that I'm able to save up for when I really need it."

"Like, you know, for books or something," added the entitled dipshit, fully aware that his parents had already put the money in his account to cover any course-related costs, not to mention leftover funds that he could use to buy pizza that doesn't taste like recycled paperboard covered in stale garlic.

Mullen's roommate Raj Chawla doesn't believe the 19-year-old imbecile should get a pass just due to his inexperience.

"It's like, Marty, you literally have a supercomputer in your hand that can find pizza that doesn't taste like burnt asbestos in an instant," said Chawla, grimacing at a text from that dumbass Mullen asking if he should pick up a few Antoon's pies for lunch. "So why he insists on these bullshit excuses to save a couple dollars and have chicks tell him his breath smells like cheesy horse dick every time he eats there is beyond me."

Even Pitt staff were critical of the first-year undeclared major, citing obvious nearby alternatives.

"Atwood [Street] has three pizza joints right there in succession, not that that thick-headed, walking sack of shit Marty would notice," said a professor under the condition of anonymity. "When these little tykes go get drunk, they even have to stumble by Sorrento's and Pizza Romano just to tuck themselves into their bed in [Litchfield] Towers. How can you be so dense as to not see that? Oh, that's right, you're Marty 'can't even write in complete sentences' Mullen—that's why."

Despite these criticisms, Mullen continues to rationalize his own deplorable choices unabated.

"Like, I know there's a couple other places around that are only a couple bucks more, but I think they're kind of far," said the dimwit after his most recent stop at Antoon's instead of anywhere else. "Besides, I really need that extra couple bucks for dental care. Every since I moved in, all these girls keep telling me my breath smells like cheesy horse dick, which is super gross."

"I guess it must be something in the water."

Sunday, August 19, 2018

Bruno Mars Kills It at Little Italy Days Despite Apparently Aging Like Shit

Music sensation Bruno Mars put on an incredible unannounced performance during Little Italy Days despite having evidently aged like complete shit in recent months, equally starstruck and concerned sources confirmed today.

"Classic Bruno: great voice, larger-than-life stage presence, and completely spontaneous to boot," said Sam Washington, who was visiting the festival with friends when he encountered Mars wheeling some sort of portable speaker setup onto the corner of Liberty Ave. and Pearl St. "The Italian crooner hits were a wonderful change of pace, too; man, he really knows how to work his crowd."

Continued Washington: "The dance moves seemed a bit labored, though. And I don't know why, but he complained about a slipped disc he had in 1976 several times, too, which was kind of weird. I hope everything is OK upstairs, if you know what I mean. These guys always seem to burn the candle from both ends."

Theresa Gianna shared similarly positive remarks about the performance, but admitted that she had trouble overlooking Mars' reportedly weathered appearance.

"I love Bruno, but Lord did he look like hell," she said, comparing old photos of Mars with one she had taken on Saturday to confirm her concerns about his well-being. "That star-studded life must really be taking a toll on him."

She made clear, however, that potential personal issues never spoiled the experience as a whole.

"The man still oozed sexual electricity all night. Best show I've been to all year, and it was free!"

After his performance, Mars hurried off before fans could surround him for autographs. As of press time, he was last seen somewhere near Osceola Park, eating an Italian sausage sandwich and asking if anybody knew where he lived or where his family was.

Saturday, August 18, 2018

Oakland Residents Renew Push to Cull Wild Freshmen Population

Citing concerns for public disruption and safety, South and North Oakland residents have jointly renewed their petition to cull the area's overgrown freshmen population now during its prime migration period, neighborhood sources confirmed today.

"Every year, long-standing citizens of Oakland face the dangers of the free-roaming wild freshmen that overrun our streets, walkways, and Dunkin' Donuts when trying to get a coffee in less than 15 minutes," said Oakland Safety Alliance member Audrey Baker. "And every year, we're told there's nothing that can be done, that it's a 'natural' part of their migration habits. But that same nature includes chucking Natty Light cans everywhere and blindly crossing the street at 2 a.m. to buy Red Bull and Doritos, so we are aiming to put a stop to it before somebody here gets seriously hurt."

The petition specifically requests that the wild freshmen population be reduced by a "fair and reasonable" 25 percent by the end of summer. It leaves the means "open to discussion," including "archery, grain alcohol traps," and even controversial use of Domino's pizza. Many locals find the proposed measures necessary to maintain safety.

"Just the other day I was with my granddaughter, and this pack of wild freshmen just darted out in front of my SUV," said Mei Juan Ng, looking at a few pictures she had saved of wild, seemingly intoxicated freshmen wandering near her house. "Those things don't even pay attention. Imagine if I had hit one or two of them; my poor granddaughter would have never been the same."

"I mean I know natural selection takes care of some of them, but it's clearly not enough," she added.

The Mayor's Office has yet to make a firm decision on the matter, but has urged the Oakland Safety Alliance to consider alternatives first.

"With the tract of universities in the area, several other parts of town have faced this challenge, and they've managed just fine," said Communication Analyst Keyva Clark. "Downtown, Shadyside, even Point Breeze have found ways to live alongside the wild freshmen with minimal disturbance."

"That said, we appreciate the concerns of Oakland's residents, so we might be able to agree on culling something closer to, say, ten percent."

Friday, August 17, 2018

Little Italy Days Adds New Vendor Where Guests Can Pay to Complain About Little Italy Days

Amid accusations of overcommercialization, Bloomfield's Little Italy Days festival has included a new vendor this year where visitors can pay to complain about the current state of Little Italy Days, delighted sources confirmed today.

"We want the celebration to represent the interests of the people," said event producer Sal Richetti, stuffing a wad of cash into his bag. "So why not let guests air out their complaints among the charming allure of 'That's Amore' by Dean Martin and a man desperately asking if you'd consider changing wireless carriers? For a small fee, of course."

"Best yet, you can squeeze in a quick complaining session while the people at the window installation booth write up your job bid or somebody from the group invariably goes to grab more money at the ATM. As you can see, everybody wins!"

As of Thursday night, guests were able to complain to the live "Italian grievance specialists" for one dollar per minute or $20 for an entire half-hour slot. Representatives at the tent stated that they planned to add a couples and family rate for the remainder of the weekend to cater to those who wanted to complain with those important to them.

Sarah Conroy of Murrysville, 34, believes the new vendor demonstrates a step in the right direction.

"It warms my heart to see that [the event planners] care," she said, noting that she intends to visit Bloomfield for the first time outside the event window soon. "I don't want to be bothered with little things like standing up to predatory developments that threaten to destabilize the neighborhood. I would, however, like to vocalize very publicly that the celebration isn't like that time I came with my family in 2008, and that's kind of disappointing."

Other guests, such as Holly Taylor of Millvale, 36, feel the move merely represents another inauthentic attraction for the sake of money.

"Just another empty gesture," she said, as she took a photo of the booth to add to her "Facebook rant of the year." "I mean, look at that [Italian grievance specialist] there. He barely uses his hands and is still wearing a shirt! And I haven't heard a single person tell somebody 'Vaffanculo!' How awfully un-Italian."

As of press time, Taylor had reportedly decided she was not in the mood for a meatball sub and was waiting in line for a couple egg rolls instead.

Thursday, August 9, 2018

Steelers Fan Confident He Can Match Last Season's Record-Setting Alcohol Intake

Entering tonight's first preseason binge, local Steelers fan Dave Wisnewski remains confident he can duplicate the incredible alcohol-related stat line he produced last season, the 34-year-old reported today.

"I've been working all summer, and I feel in the most self-destructive shape of my life," said Wisnewski, who trained this off-season with an intense regiment of rationalizing his dangerous levels of alcohol consumption and avoiding messages from concerned friends and family. "People say it gets too hard as you get older, that your body can't keep up. I don't buy it. When I wake up each morning, I'm primed to hit the bar and show what I'm made of."

Bartenders throughout the area struggled to slow Wisnewski down last year. Of his opponents, only Yesterday's Bar and Grill's Joe Hamilton was able to keep him under ten drinks in one sitting thanks to a late-game taser infraction that got the barkeep suspended for three games.

Wisnewski's challengers kept coming back to his work ethic, not to mention a bit of an uncanny sixth sense, when asked how he might maintain such a wave of dominance.

"The guy is a total workhorse," said long-time veteran Erin Washington of Sidelines Bar and Grill in Millvale, posting pictures of Wisnewski around the bar with a warning not to serve him. "It's not a question of stopping him; you just try to limit the damage. Then, when you think you've got everything under control, he finds the soft spot in your coverage where he can sneak a quick shot for a couple cigarettes or chug half-filled glasses from people who left the bar. His instincts are unbelievable."

Wisnewski was particularly hard on inexperienced bartenders last year, including Ryan Watts of Mario's Southside Saloon, whom he burned for 19 beers, two enuretic episodes, and one broken pane of glass. Watts envies the skills, but hopes the home crowd will back him this year if he matches up against the area's top drinker in almost every statistical category.

"Listen, the guy is a legend and for good reason," he said, shivering at the sight of gameday footage from last year. "But I really hope this time around people will start chanting my name to call the cops instead of chanting his name for shitting all over the bar."

Ultimately, Wisnewski wants to be recognized for his perseverance no matter what happens this year.

"I want people to remember me pushing the limits of my body year in and year out," he said, twisting open a bottle of Ten High whiskey before lunch. "I won't stop until the very end, which, according to my doctor, might not be all that far off at this rate."

Sunday, July 22, 2018

Kennywood to Add New Pirates-Themed Roller Coaster That Only Goes Downhill

Kennywood Park will work alongside the Pittsburgh Pirates to construct a new Pirates-themed roller coaster that consists of one uninterrupted precipitous drop, the park announced today.

"We wanted to capture the essence of modern Pirates baseball," said park spokesperson Nick Paradise, who then noted how the recently announced Steel Curtain coaster meant to reflect the Steelers' brand of offense-first football. "So we figured what better way than an unending descent that lasts approximately 20 years?"

Seeming to predict concerns from the park's fans, Paradise addressed the reasoning behind the ride's exclusively downhill design.

"We intended to have the design team mix in a couple of climbs here and there," he said. "You know, something to make the rider think, 'Hey, maybe this thing is finally going to change.' But before we had a chance to add it to the blueprints, we ended up trading all the necessary parts to a rival amusement park. Whoops."

"Good news is the trade helped us secure enough basic raw material to ensure the Jolly Roger can keep being built on an aggressive downward slope for years to come," he added.

When reached for comment, Whitney Rogers, a spokesperson for the ride's engineering firm S&S Sansei, confirmed that there was more to the roller coaster than a continually disappointing fall to the bottom.

"We want both fans of the team and coasters to know that the Jolly Roger will be an immersive experience," she said. "From Sid Bream's personalized introduction, showing his game-winning slide from several high-definition angles, to wonderful sight lines of the surrounding area that almost make the ride semi-bearable, it will really feel like you're suffering at the ballpark." 

Following the announcement, general manager Neal Huntington spoke briefly about his excitement for the cross-branding endeavor.

"We truly believe this coaster can be one of the best in the whole nation," he said. "But we need riders to make sure they are coming to the park to keep the income flow steady. That way, we can invest that revenue back into improvements for the roller coaster down the line."

Preliminary reports, however, suggested that the Pirates stand to land $30 million in profit from the deal with Kennywood, no matter how poorly the new coaster fares.

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

More Than a Dozen Fans Collapse at Warped Tour From Overexposure to Simple Plan

15 concertgoers reportedly collapsed at KeyBank Pavilion yesterday during the Warped Tour 2018 event due to excessive exposure to Simple Plan's brand of formulaic, teenager-pandering pop punk.

"This is one of the worst mediocrity-triggered emergency events I've seen in a while," said Washington County Director of Public Safety Jeffrey Yates. "People think they're ready for extreme levels of cliche lyrical content and predictable chord changes just because they have a few Rush songs cued up on their phone. But it's just not that easy when we're talking about the extremely below-par conditions that accompany a Simple Plan performance."

Yates confirmed that doctors are treating all 15 individuals transported to the hospital with direct doses of Iron Maiden and Judas Priest until their sensibilities for quality music stabilize.

Jake Weiss, who was on hand at the Journeys Right Foot stage for the Montreal-based outfit, described the scene as the band progressed through its set.

"I could tell people were start to feel the effects after the one long stretch of vague, non-committal anti-establishment political banter," he said. "Then when the [39-year-old] lead singer was droning on with that line 'I'm just a kid and life is nightmare,' people started dropping like flies. It was chaos."

Weiss stated that he had utilized several strategies to withstand the challenges of the severe setting, including humming Goldfinger's 'Superman' to himself and pretending he was at a Guitar Center so the hackneyed performance would feel normal. 

"Honestly, I was still faltering," Weiss noted. "But luckily I got far enough away to overhear Aaron Barrett [of Reel Big Fish] play a guitar solo and say something legitimately clever. It was a close call."

In the response to the crisis, health organizations throughout southwestern PA have issued warnings of potential butt-rock conditions for the remaining duration of the summer concert series. They reported particular concern for the Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson July 25 show at KeyBank where there is high potential for an oppressive mix of pity and disappointment.