Numerous school districts in and near the city of Philadelphia suspended normal classroom instruction today to celebrate when Benjamin "Beer Tosser" Franklin's warded off soldiers of the British Empire with violently thrown 16-ounce cans of Bud Light, various personnel and residents confirmed this afternoon.
"The city of Philadelphia and its people are often the target of viciously misguided criticism," said city superintendent Dr. William R. Hite, quickly closing an article in his browser reviewing local fan behavior at Sunday's playoff game against the Penguins. "So we wanted to highlight the brighter sides of the city's past, perfectly embodied by Mr. Franklin's fearless, historically valid defense of the American colonies with nothing more than full cans of Budweiser brand light beer."
Fourth-grade teacher Valerie Tyler said she thought the day's activities provided a valuable lesson to her impressionable students.
"It's so important for these young kids to see how history applies to the world around them," she said, appearing to cover up a worksheet that compared Sidney Crosby to King George III. "So, needless to say, I was in tears of joy to see them throwing their milk cartons at pictures of Jake Guentzel."
"And the booing and middle fingers—gosh, they just learn so fast," she added.
Teachers from around the area shared other activities they used to commemorate Franklin's beer-heaving indignation, including brainstorming sessions about what else students could throw to vanquish their enemies and experiments with mannequins to see how best to injure somebody with a flying object. That said, not all parents were impressed.
"It's absolutely ridiculous," said father of two Joe Hardy. "It's great to learn about Ben hitting those dicks with beer cans, but what about that time Betsy Ross chucked batteries at the Brits to keep them at bay until the militia arrived? Or that time Rocky beat Santa Claus's ass for bad-mouthing the Eagles? You can't expect kids to enjoy history if you leave out all the good stuff."