Thursday, October 19, 2017

News in Short: Literally Just Shit Coming out of Roger Goodell's Mouth at This Point

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell stumbled through a press conference regarding the league's stance on the national anthem today, as fecal matter rushed profusely from his mouth every time he attempted to speak.

Goodell has faced heat from both sides in recent weeks, with owners frustrated about protests of the national anthem potentially having an adverse effect on their bottom line. The players, meanwhile, have been waiting for the league to take a firm position before considering their next course of action.

Yet unable to appease either side, the embattled commissioner seemed set on working towards that end in today's conference, but his statements were constantly interrupted by copious volumes of feces.

"First, we want to say that we understand why fans are HUUUUUUUUHGLKKKPUUHTHFF," he tried to explain while vomiting a river of shit. "Of course, we support the players in the right to GLUUUUUUHGKTHFFF."

"HUUUUUH," he added, a bit more excrement spilling onto the podium in front of him.

He aimed to clarify these comments, but before he could articulate them properly, his pants spontaneous combusted into flames.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Rangers Skip Injured Reserve, Place Lundqvist Right in Hospice Care

The New York Rangers released a statement today that they have decided to act in the best interest of long-time goalie Henrik Lundqvist and transition him directly into an assisted living facility, forgoing more common practices, such as reducing playing time or moving the player to another team in need at that position.

The team announced that the 35-year-old will be residing in room 4C at Sunset Valley Home of Life Care effective immediately, pending the arrival of the U-Haul with his belongings.

The move marks a sudden departure for Lundqvist who has backstopped the team consistently since the 2005-2006 season. Rangers GM Jeff Gorton explained that the decision was not an easy one.

"This whole thing was hard for me, for Henrik, for [head coach] Alain [Vigneault], for everybody, really," he said in a phone conversation this morning. "There are just so many options out there for older folks in need of one-on-one attention and individualized care to meet the everyday demands of life."

When asked about the hockey considerations that went into the move, Gorton was blunt.

"'Hockey considerations?'" he repeated. "Well, let's put it this way: when he came into the locker room the other day to ask the equipment manager if they could attach some pucks to his walker to reduce the friction he was getting with the tennis balls, I knew that we could no longer provide the kind of support that [Lundqvist] desperately requires."

"Don't even get me started on his request to add a wheelchair ramp access to the charter plane, so he can 'save up his legs,'" he added.

Latest reports say that Lundqvisr is trying to have team dinner moved up to 5 p.m.

How well will Lundqvist handle life at Sunset Valley? Sports Unfiltered will feature a follow-up in its November edition of Sports Unfiltered: The Magazine.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Sports Unfiltered: The Magazine, October 2017

In This Issue 

This edition of the world's finest sports publication explores how Pitt football head coach Pat Narduzzi, following his team's platooning of two quarterbacks, nine ball-carriers, and eight receivers against North Carolina State, intends to ramp up his offense by enlisting the help of anyone whom he can contact via phone call.


"Bill from Heidelberg might be 53 and need a hip replacement, but that's exactly what we want the opposing defense to think," Narduzzi said.

"Meanwhile, there's Carol, and hot damn can she throw a mean block. Not to mention those shortbread cookies -- to die for."

You Want In?

Think you can run a few plays? Contact Pat Narduzzi or Heather Lyke today. Currently, those with heart conditions are precluded from consideration, but they are attempting to circumvent those boundaries.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Tomlin: Steelers Will Unleash James Harrison This Week, That Is, He's Escaped and They've Yet to Find Him

Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin confirmed in a press conference Friday that his team intends to "unleash" outside LB James Harrison in this Sunday's away matchup against the Kansas City Chiefs, revealing the seasoned veteran has broken out of his holding cell and they "really have no choice in the matter."

Leaked camera footage shows Harrison bending the bars of his cell as the area's alarm goes off.

 "We fully plan to utilize James [Harrison] in a number of game situations and packages," Tomlin said to assembled media. "Especially considering he managed to ditch his tracking chip somewhere in the Ohio River before, we believe, heading west."

To this point, Harrison has gotten virtually no opportunity on the field, playing only a handful of snaps the entire season. Those plans changed recently, though, after the team's unexpected 30-9 loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars, coupled with his daring escape from a specially crafted chamber the team had installed both at Heinz Field and the team's practice facility in the South Side.

"Those were reinforced steel bars," Tomlin said with a cautious laugh. "So unless the tracking dogs get to him, we assume he will be playing a featured role in our defensive gameplan."

Many columnists and pundits have speculated on the Steelers' plan for Harrison after the arrival of T.J. Watt, who has had an impressive start his rookie campaign. A common assessment was that the team wanted to preserve the 39-year-old for bigger games as the season went on. Things have changed, however, since his having gone missing.

"I'm only designing plays with ten guys out there in the assumption that [Harrison] will just jump right in and get at it," said defensive coordinator Keith Butler. "We're going to spray a special pheromone our guys' jerseys to make sure he's tackling the right people."

Because of Harrison's potentially agitated disposition following his escape, local authorities have reached out to ensure the safety of others.

"Any and all persons in the stretch of land between Pittsburgh and Missouri must take extreme caution if they encounter Mr. Harrison," said PA state trooper Dave Morris. "He is to be considered padded and extremely dangerous, particularly if he rushes you on the edge."

Mr. Morris suggested that homeowners over this track build a scarecrow of Alex Smith to divert Harrison's attention, in case he appears in the area. "And please, for the love of God, don't wear red," he added.

He also tried to provide some desperation tactics, should anyone be confronted directly by the linebacker.

"Your best bet at that point is to yell, 'Hey, look it's Roger Goodell!' and run like hell," said Morris. "But he might just set you on fire and piss out the flames; we really don't know yet."

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Pierre McGuire Spends Most of Pens-Caps Broadcast Explaining Where Members of Administration Governed in Juniors

NBC Sports Network utilized the majority of his airtime in the Penguins-Capitals broadcast to talk about the current White House administration, focusing particularly on the local mite, bantam, and junior clubs with which each member got his or her start in the government. In case you missed it, here are some highlights in brief.

Rex Tillerson, Secretary of State

Pierre's Take: "Now when you talk about this guy here, only one thing comes to mind: crafty. They don't just teach you that anywhere, Doc -- that's the kind of stuff you expect out of a product of the Huntsville High School Student Council, based in Huntsville, Texas, voted Best Student Representation in the state all four years of Tillerson's career there."

"A fiery guy, can be an agitator. He's known not to be shy, even around his peers. In fact, I think I heard him just call a teammate of his a [expletive] moron."

Jeff Sessions, Attorney General

Pierre's Take: "Right here is a real old-school politics guy in Jeff Sessions. He's been around the block more than once, Doc, and he knows what he has to do to amp up his politics from policy to dogma. Small guy and will take his licks, but really feisty. That's all stuff you pick up spend your youth government days with the vaunted Legion of Doom. That's a program that really knows how to get in the public's face and push policy that doesn't reflect its interests or beliefs."

General R. Kelly, Secretary of Bump N' Grind

Pierre's Take: "You want to talk about smooth, Doc? Well look no further than General R. Kelly and the silky rhymes and beats he lays down in the Oval Office. I mean, the sky is the absolute limit with this guy; he can really fly, and he sure as heck believes it, too."

"Not afraid to get into the tough, tight areas where the mop and bucket are."

"I've heard teammate Jeff Sessions isn't a big fan, though, for some reason."

Donald Trump, President

Pierre's Take: "Doc, you've come to the right place if you're looking for a guy who loves the spotlight. Can really manipulate -- the puck. A real wild card out there, though; you never know how he's going to handle the situation. He's simultaneously a coach's dream and nightmare because he can get the team rallied like no other, but then he goes out and makes some bone-headed plays that make you wonder whether you really wanted him on your roster in the first place."

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Snapshot News: Evgeni Malkin Turns Heads at Team's White House Visit With "Traditional Russian" Hat

"Very patriotic," said the Russian. "But very fragile. Please no touch."

News in Short: Uber Suspends Self-Driving Cars With Celebrity AI After Travolta Model Constantly Asks Passengers to Fondle Its Gear Stick

Uber Technologies is temporarily withholding vehicles in its self-driving fleet that were programmed with celebrity-based artificial intelligence after the model using actor John Travolta’s input repeatedly asked test riders to “make physical contact” with its gearshift, the company released in a statement earlier today.

Uber developed the celebrity programming as a long-term amenity that riders could request when ordering an automated vehicle. It was meant to furnish a layer of humanity to a potentially uncomfortable experience.

“At first, the thought of riding alone in the car with, more or less, a robot is going to be really off-putting to some people,” said David LaRose, who spent two years involved with the Uber self-driving project. “So I wasn’t there to see it completed, but the idea was that the car could interact with the rider through the ‘ghosted’ personality of a celebrity. It’s a great idea in theory: the anecdotes it could share, the range of emotion it could show via the actor’s input. I guess the Travolta version wanted the user to get a little too, uh, ‘hands on.’”

The company has considered a similar measure with vehicles operating on the Matthew McConaughey system after reports that it won't shut the fuck up about how you should buy a Lincoln.