Thursday, October 19, 2017

News in Short: Literally Just Shit Coming out of Roger Goodell's Mouth at This Point

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell stumbled through a press conference regarding the league's stance on the national anthem today, as fecal matter rushed profusely from his mouth every time he attempted to speak.


Goodell has faced heat from both sides in recent weeks, with owners frustrated about protests of the national anthem potentially having an adverse effect on their bottom line. The players, meanwhile, have been waiting for the league to take a firm position before considering their next course of action.

Yet unable to appease either side, the embattled commissioner seemed set on working towards that end in today's conference, but his statements were constantly interrupted by copious volumes of feces.

"First, we want to say that we understand why fans are HUUUUUUUUHGLKKKPUUHTHFF," he tried to explain while vomiting a river of shit. "Of course, we support the players in the right to GLUUUUUUHGKTHFFF."

"HUUUUUH," he added, a bit more excrement spilling onto the podium in front of him.

He aimed to clarify these comments, but before he could articulate them properly, his pants spontaneous combusted into flames.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Rangers Skip Injured Reserve, Place Lundqvist Right in Hospice Care

The New York Rangers released a statement today that they have decided to act in the best interest of long-time goalie Henrik Lundqvist and transition him directly into an assisted living facility, forgoing more common practices, such as reducing playing time or moving the player to another team in need at that position.


The team announced that the 35-year-old will be residing in room 4C at Sunset Valley Home of Life Care effective immediately, pending the arrival of the U-Haul with his belongings.

The move marks a sudden departure for Lundqvist who has backstopped the team consistently since the 2005-2006 season. Rangers GM Jeff Gorton explained that the decision was not an easy one.

"This whole thing was hard for me, for Henrik, for [head coach] Alain [Vigneault], for everybody, really," he said in a phone conversation this morning. "There are just so many options out there for older folks in need of one-on-one attention and individualized care to meet the everyday demands of life."

When asked about the hockey considerations that went into the move, Gorton was blunt.

"'Hockey considerations?'" he repeated. "Well, let's put it this way: when he came into the locker room the other day to ask the equipment manager if they could attach some pucks to his walker to reduce the friction he was getting with the tennis balls, I knew that we could no longer provide the kind of support that [Lundqvist] desperately requires."

"Don't even get me started on his request to add a wheelchair ramp access to the charter plane, so he can 'save up his legs,'" he added.

Latest reports say that Lundqvisr is trying to have team dinner moved up to 5 p.m.

How well will Lundqvist handle life at Sunset Valley? Sports Unfiltered will feature a follow-up in its November edition of Sports Unfiltered: The Magazine.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Sports Unfiltered: The Magazine, October 2017

In This Issue 

This edition of the world's finest sports publication explores how Pitt football head coach Pat Narduzzi, following his team's platooning of two quarterbacks, nine ball-carriers, and eight receivers against North Carolina State, intends to ramp up his offense by enlisting the help of anyone whom he can contact via phone call.

Quotables

"Bill from Heidelberg might be 53 and need a hip replacement, but that's exactly what we want the opposing defense to think," Narduzzi said.

"Meanwhile, there's Carol, and hot damn can she throw a mean block. Not to mention those shortbread cookies -- to die for."

You Want In?

Think you can run a few plays? Contact Pat Narduzzi or Heather Lyke today. Currently, those with heart conditions are precluded from consideration, but they are attempting to circumvent those boundaries.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Tomlin: Steelers Will Unleash James Harrison This Week, That Is, He's Escaped and They've Yet to Find Him

Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin confirmed in a press conference Friday that his team intends to "unleash" outside LB James Harrison in this Sunday's away matchup against the Kansas City Chiefs, revealing the seasoned veteran has broken out of his holding cell and they "really have no choice in the matter."

Leaked camera footage shows Harrison bending the bars of his cell as the area's alarm goes off.

 "We fully plan to utilize James [Harrison] in a number of game situations and packages," Tomlin said to assembled media. "Especially considering he managed to ditch his tracking chip somewhere in the Ohio River before, we believe, heading west."

To this point, Harrison has gotten virtually no opportunity on the field, playing only a handful of snaps the entire season. Those plans changed recently, though, after the team's unexpected 30-9 loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars, coupled with his daring escape from a specially crafted chamber the team had installed both at Heinz Field and the team's practice facility in the South Side.

"Those were reinforced steel bars," Tomlin said with a cautious laugh. "So unless the tracking dogs get to him, we assume he will be playing a featured role in our defensive gameplan."

Many columnists and pundits have speculated on the Steelers' plan for Harrison after the arrival of T.J. Watt, who has had an impressive start his rookie campaign. A common assessment was that the team wanted to preserve the 39-year-old for bigger games as the season went on. Things have changed, however, since his having gone missing.

"I'm only designing plays with ten guys out there in the assumption that [Harrison] will just jump right in and get at it," said defensive coordinator Keith Butler. "We're going to spray a special pheromone our guys' jerseys to make sure he's tackling the right people."

Because of Harrison's potentially agitated disposition following his escape, local authorities have reached out to ensure the safety of others.

"Any and all persons in the stretch of land between Pittsburgh and Missouri must take extreme caution if they encounter Mr. Harrison," said PA state trooper Dave Morris. "He is to be considered padded and extremely dangerous, particularly if he rushes you on the edge."

Mr. Morris suggested that homeowners over this track build a scarecrow of Alex Smith to divert Harrison's attention, in case he appears in the area. "And please, for the love of God, don't wear red," he added.

He also tried to provide some desperation tactics, should anyone be confronted directly by the linebacker.

"Your best bet at that point is to yell, 'Hey, look it's Roger Goodell!' and run like hell," said Morris. "But he might just set you on fire and piss out the flames; we really don't know yet."

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Pierre McGuire Spends Most of Pens-Caps Broadcast Explaining Where Members of Administration Governed in Juniors

NBC Sports Network utilized the majority of his airtime in the Penguins-Capitals broadcast to talk about the current White House administration, focusing particularly on the local mite, bantam, and junior clubs with which each member got his or her start in the government. In case you missed it, here are some highlights in brief.

Rex Tillerson, Secretary of State

Pierre's Take: "Now when you talk about this guy here, only one thing comes to mind: crafty. They don't just teach you that anywhere, Doc -- that's the kind of stuff you expect out of a product of the Huntsville High School Student Council, based in Huntsville, Texas, voted Best Student Representation in the state all four years of Tillerson's career there."

"A fiery guy, can be an agitator. He's known not to be shy, even around his peers. In fact, I think I heard him just call a teammate of his a [expletive] moron."


Jeff Sessions, Attorney General

Pierre's Take: "Right here is a real old-school politics guy in Jeff Sessions. He's been around the block more than once, Doc, and he knows what he has to do to amp up his politics from policy to dogma. Small guy and will take his licks, but really feisty. That's all stuff you pick up spend your youth government days with the vaunted Legion of Doom. That's a program that really knows how to get in the public's face and push policy that doesn't reflect its interests or beliefs."


General R. Kelly, Secretary of Bump N' Grind

Pierre's Take: "You want to talk about smooth, Doc? Well look no further than General R. Kelly and the silky rhymes and beats he lays down in the Oval Office. I mean, the sky is the absolute limit with this guy; he can really fly, and he sure as heck believes it, too."

"Not afraid to get into the tough, tight areas where the mop and bucket are."

"I've heard teammate Jeff Sessions isn't a big fan, though, for some reason."


Donald Trump, President


Pierre's Take: "Doc, you've come to the right place if you're looking for a guy who loves the spotlight. Can really manipulate -- the puck. A real wild card out there, though; you never know how he's going to handle the situation. He's simultaneously a coach's dream and nightmare because he can get the team rallied like no other, but then he goes out and makes some bone-headed plays that make you wonder whether you really wanted him on your roster in the first place."


Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Snapshot News: Evgeni Malkin Turns Heads at Team's White House Visit With "Traditional Russian" Hat

"Very patriotic," said the Russian. "But very fragile. Please no touch."

News in Short: Uber Suspends Self-Driving Cars With Celebrity AI After Travolta Model Constantly Asks Passengers to Fondle Its Gear Stick

Uber Technologies is temporarily withholding vehicles in its self-driving fleet that were programmed with celebrity-based artificial intelligence after the model using actor John Travolta’s input repeatedly asked test riders to “make physical contact” with its gearshift, the company released in a statement earlier today.


Uber developed the celebrity programming as a long-term amenity that riders could request when ordering an automated vehicle. It was meant to furnish a layer of humanity to a potentially uncomfortable experience.

“At first, the thought of riding alone in the car with, more or less, a robot is going to be really off-putting to some people,” said David LaRose, who spent two years involved with the Uber self-driving project. “So I wasn’t there to see it completed, but the idea was that the car could interact with the rider through the ‘ghosted’ personality of a celebrity. It’s a great idea in theory: the anecdotes it could share, the range of emotion it could show via the actor’s input. I guess the Travolta version wanted the user to get a little too, uh, ‘hands on.’”

The company has considered a similar measure with vehicles operating on the Matthew McConaughey system after reports that it won't shut the fuck up about how you should buy a Lincoln.

Stats and Junk: Is Marc-Andre Fleury the Greatest Goalie in Vegas Golden Knights History?


Monday, October 9, 2017

Bloomfield Man “Could Swear” This Qdoba Is Supposed to Be an Indian Garden

Bloomfield native Abe Balestra “swear[s] to fucking Christ” that the Qdoba restaurant he visited with friends on Monday afternoon was in fact the location of the Indian Garden suggested in the original invite. 

Balestra and several associates had the day off due to the federal holiday, which he saw as an opportunity to assemble a crew to meet for lunch. Offering exotic spices and an affordable menu, the Indian Garden stood out as an ideal destination.

“Yeah, man, it’s great there,” Balestra told friends via group text. “We’re talking flavors that you aren’t going to find anywhere else, nice surroundings, and it doesn’t cost much to boot.”

“Plus, I know exactly where it is. I can take us there, no problem,” he affirmed shortly thereafter.

The group of four gathered at Balestra’s current residence, further west of Bloomfield near Las Palmas, and departed for the Indian eatery around 1 p.m. The trip, however, did not proceed as smoothly as anticipated.

“Wait a minute. What? This has to—shit, was it off Center or Liberty? Fuck, I forget,” Balestra conceded 15 minutes into a ride that he stated would last “like 10 minutes, max.”

Text records indicate that the drive lasted 37 minutes, during which the three passengers considered commandeering the vehicle on several occasions and returning home.

“Jesus Christ, we’re back on Friendship Avenue just staring around,” said Greg Owens in a message to his wife. “If we aren’t there in five minutes, I’ll either steal the car or just take a fucking Uber home.”

Balestra ultimately managed to quell any insurrection and navigate to the building he perceived to be the Indian Garden, where they hurried inside to avoid missing the lunch specials. As they entered, though, clues emerged that they may have arrived somewhere other than intended.

“I walk in and I see a tortilla press, beans, rice, and hear some sort of Latin American music,” said Patsy Vallani in a short call with Sports Unfiltered. “At that point, [Balestra] puts on this face that this has to be some monumental mix-up.”

"I'm 99 percent certain there was a mural of the Taj Mahal on that wall over there just last week," argued Balestra.
Despite evidence otherwise, Balestra remained convinced that they had come to the Indian Garden as he had planned.

“This is kind of, uh, weird, but, I mean, this has to be it,” he told his crew who had begun to wander to the restroom or out the door to a nearby GetGo. “Oh, come on, guys, I mapped this all out online beforehand; it has to be the place!”

According to reports from the scene, the three accompanying members of the group agreed to get lunch on their own and meet back at the car in an hour. Balestra, meanwhile, chose to embrace the spirit of the holiday undeterred, coughing openly on the cashiers and demanding that they make him Fettuccine Alfredo.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Retro Gaming Sunday: RPG Hero Complaining of Burning Sensation After That One Random Encounter

Following a random encounter in the town of Kleinfeld, Hero has been experiencing a painful sensation during discharge of urine, the ailing swordsman revealed to the party's white mage privately this morning.

Hero and his assembly of warriors stopped in Kleinfeld, a small farm village, to rest at the inn on their journey to visit the king in the metropolis of Stadthaven. During their stay, Hero left the group briefly to "grind out a couple levels," but refused any of his accompaniment to join, which members of the party identified as out of character.


"It's not like Hero to do that," said Luke, the group's axe-wielder. "Even when he goes down the street to buy a healing herb, he usually brings the whole damn lot of us with him."

Accounts from various individuals in the party state that Hero was gone for two to three hours, after which he returned with an unusual affect and appearance.

"After awhile, you get pretty familiar with the signs of battle," said Tao, a black mage who has been with Hero since he first departed from his hometown. "And I've got to say, Hero seemed fatigued and worn out for sure, but not with the scratches, bruises, and aches of your typical battle outside of town."

Kenneth, the party's centaur knight, verified Tao's assessment.

"Yeah, it was weird to say the least," he said. "Hero came back all sweaty and kind of greasy, I guess, but he hadn't even taken his sword with him and showed no signs of battle damage."

"He just kept saying, 'Oh, I used my sword all right,'" Kenneth added.

Despite the confusion, the party moved on later that day with no discussion of what had happened during Hero's separation from the group. It was not until earlier this morning that clues emerged regarding the events outside Kleinfeld.

"He came up to me panic-stricken," said Lowe, white mage. "He grabbed me by the shoulders, and his eyes started darting around like crazy. Then he asks me frantically, 'Can you keep a secret?'"

"I told him 'sure,' and he lets out this visceral grunt and tells me about how it hurts when he's taking a piss. I tried a few spells on him, but he keeps saying it's not getting better."

"He's been begging me to keep trying, but if he shows me his penis again, I'm done," the healer added.

Currently, the party is waiting outside a church in Stadthaven while Hero searches for help from a higher power. Reports suggest the visit is not going well.

Friday, October 6, 2017

Lawrenceville Man Will Check Out 'Coolest Neighborhood' Article Once It's Released on Vinyl

After hearing of the Money Magazine report identifying Lawrenceville as the coolest neighborhood "right now" in America, resident Mike Myzack, 32, reported that he will be sure to "feel out" the article as soon as it gets put on vinyl. 

Having rented in area for more than six years, Myzak was intrigued by the favorable words friends shared about the piece, but he insists that his standards are more valuable than a passing interest.

Myzack writing some prose while only accessing properly sourced media.
"Would I like to see what they say? Sure," he admitted, sipping his $5, French press coffee. "But I have to stick to my beliefs that it's not the right thing to do unless the master file has been carefully etched into lacquer and then twice coated in metal to produce the most dynamic experience possible."

Myzack conceded that, given his extensive time in the community, he feels partially responsible for its current far-reaching acclaim. That said, he also believes that a commitment to "auditory excellence" contributes to earning such a vaunted reputation.

"I firmly believe that we wouldn't be seeing Lawrenceville on a national stage like this if people such as myself were listening to muddy MP3s," he said. "I'm telling you, it doesn't matter if it's an indie rock song, indie news report, or indie product review for a George Foreman grill -- it sounds better off the sublime grooves of a 45, resonating from a pre-1970s turntable."

"I mean, isn't it crazy that people listen to this stuff encoded at 128 bits on a MPEG-1 audio layer?" he added. "Just look how little progress we've made."

When it was suggested that it may not be cost-effective to publish an audio copy of a text on a two-toned, limited-release vinyl record, Myzak relented that he would at least consider reading the article as soon as it was re-written by hand with a feather quill pen and distributed on papyrus.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

News in Short: Gary Bettman Confident There Will Be No National Anthem Controversy in NHL


The NHL will have "no controversy whatsoever when it comes to the American flag, veterans, the Constitution, gun ownership, or literally anything that could get us bad press," league commissioner Gary Bettman told the media this morning.

Following the uproar sparked by anthem protests in the NFL, Bettman and the league board have aimed to avoid broaching any such matters throughout their season.

"I just think we have a very proud, patriotic group of Americans in this league -- coaches and players alike," said the commissioner in spite of the majority of players, nearly 73%, belonging to a country other than the United States.

"Just some easy-going, red-blooded Americans who are most definitely not involved in any activism," he added while gently petting an American flag behind him and whistling America the Beautiful.

The league commissioner also mentioned, "just, you know, in case anyone was wondering," that he would go as Francis Scott Key, Benjamin Franklin, or George W. Bush this year for Halloween based on a popular vote by the fans.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Woman Debating Which Reaction to Facebook Post Would Be Most Effective in Stopping Gun Violence

Local woman Hailey Malone is currently trying to decide which of the six provided Facebook reactions would best support her efforts to eliminate gun violence, sources close to the 26-year-old have reported.

Malone stated to friends and family that she was "moved and motivated" in the wake of the Las Vegas shooting spree that resulted in at least 58 deaths and more than 500 injuries. She vowed to take action immediately.

"It's time for me to stop being a bystander and start getting involved," she told roommates after getting a CNN push notification about the incident. "No matter what it is -- a news article, an anecdote, a personal take on mental health -- I need to use this opportunity to make my voice heard by clicking the icon that most closely resembles my thoughts on the matter for the sake of saving lives from gun violence." 

"Do I love this post in my support of its message or do I go with the sad face as a display of sympathy?"
However, Malone's "new and improved" stance on creating positive change has put her in the unenviable position of choosing which reaction will prove most productive in achieving her goal.

"OK, I could go for the 'sad' face, which would really make people, especially anybody who would want to shoot someone, see how upset it would make me if they did that," she considered aloud in the living room of her shared apartment. "But using the 'angry' face would show that I mean business and make people think twice before using a gun to hurt somebody."

Malone admits that the selection process has limited the speed at which she can navigate social media and spread her message, but considers it absolutely crucial that she do so.

"The world is too complicated now to just 'like' something and move on," she said. "That may have worked once, but not anymore. I need to think about how I am going to articulate my feelings succinctly with a single button click, lest I press the wrong one and people get the wrong idea. How else are we going to stop the harm that guns are causing on a daily basis?"

The social media advocate's latest post about "the journey [she has] embarked upon" has garnered a wide range of reaction on Facebook, including 25 likes, six loves, three sad faces, two angry faces, and a guy she knew from high school tagging his sister. She hopes it will inspire others to join her cause.

"Because we must remember one thing, friends," the post reads in part. "It could be YOUR sad or angry face that stops gun violence once and for all."

New Game 'Bass Hero' Will Let You Resolve Band Finances, Toxic Relationships While Everybody Else Gets Laid

Activision's latest music simulation game, Bass Hero, will have players completing tasks necessary to maintain a band while their digital counterparts are having casual sex, the company announced in a video demo released Monday afternoon.

"Man, we are really running in the red. Better downgrade to Milwaukee's Best" said one beta tester who shared his game experience so far.
Known for the Guitar Hero title that served as the forebear of music performance gaming, the publisher decided that the time seemed to right to introduce aspects of being in a band that have yet to be explored in the series.

"There's so much more that goes into the show than the notes you play, and we wanted to capture that," said CEO Bobby Kotick in a message that played over top of game footage. "Whether it's desperately transferring money from your own bank account to cover the new brake pads for the van or trying to find your guitar head because the lead guitarist was too busy getting a handjob in an alleyway, we want to share these moments with you."

The game's direction coincides the the release of Guitar Hero Live, which aimed to reinvent the series in a period of declining interest. The developers of Bass Hero have noted publicly that their project will push this change even further.

"We want the player to appreciate the most minute details that keep a band going," said Jerry Walsh, the game's lead designer, in a video posted on the game's social media sites. "The player should sense the frustration of having the drummer abandon his post at the merch table to get fellated in the back of the venue. Likewise, we want you to really feel the pressure as you try tell the promoter that your lead singer punching the rhythm guitarist in the face was all an act."

If the game performs well, Activision says it will consider approving another title called Drum Hero, in which the player desperately runs around trying to buy weed ten minutes before your set is supposed to start.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Voice of the Ages: Twitterature

My goal is quite simple: as an active Twitter user, I intend to reveal to the world the hidden artistry that dwells within the boundaries of this electronic playground. 

Let us start today with a thought-provoking work by @JimmyHa17559407. May the world rejoice at this piece of purposeful fractions, meant to replicate the sensation of division present in the world of modern football. Should you have any pieces to share or wish to share the work of others, don't hesitate to send it to i.aint.no.jag@gmail.com.

Behold:

Who
Give a shit

And

Who gives a
Fuck
I am
Done with the NFL

Please leave
Me alone




Wow. So deep. Enjoy, my readers.

News in Short: Retro Gaming -- Mr. X Can't Believe He Forgot Galsia in the Cloner All Night Again

Infamous crime boss Mr. X was disappointed today to have discovered that he had left one of his primary henchman Galsia overnight in the syndicate cloning machine for the third time this month.


"Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" inside sources say he shouted repeatedly as he waded through the crowd of doppelgangers, having to kill several of them to reach the device. "How do I keep doing this shit?"

The syndicate, whose misdeeds have plagued the sprawling metropolis for three games now, rely heavily on the proprietary cloning technology to maintain its manpower as it battles police and vigilante forces -- poorly. Its leader knows, however, that they must adhere to strict limits when it comes to the size of their ranks.

"Yes, yes, I'd love to have all of you, but, believe it or not, my Kroger's discount doesn't let me add another 700 mouths to feed," he said, shooting a few more of the copies. "Christ, this is tiring. Where the hell is Donovan to help me clean this mess up?"

Fairly certain he heard the auxiliary cloning machine running, Mr. X yelled "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" and began to sprint toward the facility's basement.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Writers for 'This Is Us' Throwing Darts to Decide Which Pittsburgh References to Drop in Next Episode

Locals to the Pittsburgh region gushed yesterday at the numerous allusions to the city featured in the season two premiere of This Is Us, all of which were selected at random in a few round of darts by the show’s writing staff.

“At least in that market, the material doesn’t even have to be very compelling,” said writer Aurin Squire, as he took a drink from his vodka tonic and blindly heaved another dart toward the “idea board” for a new episode he had in the works. “We can just shove the names of a bunch of football players in there and have some drunk say a few funny words. The rest of the episode basically writes itself.”


Show creator Dan Fogelman set the series in Pittsburgh to provide it the proper backdrop for depicting “the complex relationships and challenges, both at a micro and macro level, that faced families raised in a once industry-driven town in transition.” In retrospect, he realizes he didn’t need to overcomplicate his approach. 

“My original plan was for us to honor the city with an exhaustive, multi-layered presentation of family life in Pittsburgh, forged and altered by diverse socioeconomic factors and the influx of white-collar workers into a social fabric consisting predominantly of raw, but skilled, labor,” said Fogelman. “Then we figured out that we just have to make sure you can see the Terrible Towel once every week, and the people there are completely content.”

Members of the writing team say they have applied the “idea board strategy” since the third episode of the opening season. They insist it has played a chief role in their success.

“Oh yeah, the board’s been great,” said writer Kay Oyegun, preparing to toss a dart over her shoulder as she looked away from the game cabinet. “OK everybody – heads up!”

“We need some bridge content for the next script!” she yelled, as the dart pierced the sticky note labeled “A bridge or some shit.” “This will be terribly easy: we’ll flash back to Rebecca trying to make up for Jack’s absence by doing everything she can for the kids, but then – oh no – there’s an accident on the Liberty Bridge or whatever. We’ll Google one of them and I’m sure everyone in Pittsburgh will be perfectly fine with it."

Despite the show’s acclaim, particularly in the southwestern Pennsylvania area, many viewers from region expressed disapproval of a scene in the season two premiere, where it appeared one of the characters was able to navigate the intersection of Route 51 and 88 during rush hour in under ten minutes without getting into an accident.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Alejandro Villanueva Stays Standing While Rest of Party Takes Seat at Olive Garden

"He just stood there and stared off into the distance," said a member of the wait staff, who complimented his otherwise polite presence. "I've never seen such a twinkle in one's eyes for pre-made soup that gets boiled in a bag."

 

"I just wanted to show my respect for the hard-working staff -- and those beautiful, buttery breadsticks," Villanueva commented.
Steelers offensive tackle Alejandro Villanueva attracted more attention to himself today after remaining upright next to his table at an Olive Garden, even after the remainder of his group had sat down.

The beset Villanueva was recently forced to step into the limelight following his minor departure from the Steelers' plan to remain in the tunnel during the national anthem in Sunday's game against the Bears in Chicago. He said his actions were misunderstood and apologized for "throwing [his] teammates under the bus." Accordingly, he had no intention of standing out during his casual dining experience.

"It's been a long couple of days so far," Villanueva said with a laugh. "So the last thing I wanted to do when the delightful server Cassie directed us to our table was be noticed. But when you hear you can get an appetizer, entree, and dessert for only $15.99, well, you kind of just freeze up."

Reports from other patrons about Villanueva's behavior have stayed consistent: the lineman approached the table alongside his fellows guests, but as the waitress offered them to be seated, he then became rigid with what one witness called "a transfixed gaze."

"You should have seen the eyes he made at my Eggplant Parmesan as it came out from the kitchen," said one of the visitors located near Villanueva during his visit. "I saw the look of a man who's seen 'things.' I don't know where, when, or how, but that man had a transcendent connection with my food."

The former Army Ranger Villanueva insists it was a natural progression of events, which he hopes did not offend any of the surrounding customers.

"My only goal was to demonstrate a humble, reverent sort of behavior for this patient staff, as well as the savory mix of flavors found only in this establishment's Zuppa Toscana," he said.

Some bystanders stated that Villanueva appeared to be kneeling at some point in his time at the restaurant, but it was later confirmed that he had only done so because he was choking violently after having attempted to swallow an entire breadstick whole.

NFL Players Finally Heed Advice of Insightful Radio Show Caller, Apply to Run for Election Instead of Public Displays of Protest

A large contingent of NFL players who have declined to partake in the national anthem prior to games in protest of racial injustice has at last yielded to the erudition of a local sports radio show caller and have begun to apply for public office in various places throughout the United States.

Greg Ogden, 56, of Baldwin, PA, has been championing the recommendation for players to become involved in politics at all levels since first hearing of former quarterback Colin Kaepernick's refusal to participate in the anthem.

Ogden makes a call from his Steelers-themed room that he cleverly calls, "The Steel Mill."
"If they don't like it, then why the hell don't they run for office? We live in a free country, you know," Ogden said, having uttered his favorite adjective for the 11th time in his 93 second phone call to 93.7 WFAN. "If you want change, then go get elected and do it there, but I shouldn't have to see it on TV."

A number of players who have since retired to join politics applauded Ogden for his incisive approach to their issue.

"It was really nice of Greg from Baldwin to break the situation down like that," said Michael Bennett, formerly of the Seattle Seahawks. "We were so caught up on the little things -- you know, the desperate urgency of the matter, the multiple incidents that continue to demonstrate that little is changing, the systematically imposed obstacles that would make it extremely challenging, if not impossible, for a black football player with no political experience to get elected -- that we never realized how easy it all was. Thanks, Greg!"

In elections to come over the next several years, an NFL player will be featured on the ballot for 57 spots in the United States Senate, 79 positions in the United States Congress, 39 seats among the various state congressional governments, 12 openings for governor, five for city mayor, four roles on the school board, and one slot for sanitation commissioner, for some reason. Numerous members of the group have already invested heavily into their campaign.

Sources say Ogden, upon seeing the first wave of political ads for former players, stated he "wish[es] players would just shut up and stick to what they're good at, like playing football."

Monday, September 25, 2017

I Was Gonna Come Up With a Clever Title for a Monday Football Post, But All the Good Ones Were Taken

Here's what to know in a roundup from yesterday's action all around the NFL:


(1) Steelers Stay in Tunnel for National Anthem, Forget to Come Out for Rest of Game

Tomlin admitted in a post-game interview that "the pinata probably could've waited."
A controversial decision to stay in the tunnel during the national anthem ultimately haunted the Steelers yesterday, as the team completely forgot to enter the field of play at any point, resulting in a 23-17 overtime loss to the then winless Chicago Bears.

Head coach Mike Tomlin shouldered the responsibility for the team's oversight in post-game interviews and conferences.

"It was a grave error and absolutely impermissible as a coach to have allowed this to happen," he said, pushing streams and confetti aside from his face. "We underestimated how little time the anthem would last and, I have to say, I should not have agreed to the Texas Hold 'Em tournament prior to kickoff."

The coach did have some positive news in spite of his team's first defeat of the season. "Luckily, we were able to minimize injuries, limited to some sore hands and strained shoulders from too many high-fives," he explained.
"Moreover, I would also like to announce that I am the 2017-2018 Pittsburgh Steelers Texas Hold 'Em Champion."

(2) Mike Glennon Fitted With Cyborg Arms, So He Can Still Hand Ball Off to Jordan Howard 700 Times Per Game


Following the Bears first win of the season against the Steelers, the team is equipping quarterback Mike Glennon with robotic arms to ensure he can maintain the upper-body endurance to give the ball to running back Jordan Howard nearly a thousand times each week.

"Mike is an extremely pivotal part of our game plan," said offensive coordinator Dowell Loggains. "I mean, without him, the ball would just bounce around back there and that's not where we want it -- which is passed on immediately to Jordan Howard's midsection between, oh, five and eight-hundred snaps a game."

Various members of the staff convincing Glennon went more easily than expected. "The chloroform helped," said quarterbacks coach Dave Ragone.

The team considered the drawbacks on the procedure as well, including that the strength provided by the new appendages may make Glennon's passes uncatchable. After watching him carefully on game tape, however, coaches quickly decided it was a moot point.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

New Madden 18 Feature to Provide Players Glimpse of Life After Retirement, Including Parole Hearings, Autopsy Results

An update to Madden 18 will introduce a “Post-Career Mode” that expands the experience to life events beyond football, ranging from the player’s first house arrest ankle bracelet to a toxicology report after the player dies in a violent car crash, EA Sports stated in a press release over the weekend.


The series first appeared on PC platforms in 1988 as John Madden Football until the company secured NFL and NFLPA rights in 1993. The growth of both the sport and the game since then was considered when designing the added content.

“Football has evolved into more than an interest; for many, it’s a passion and devotion,” the release read in part. “For this reason, we found it prudent to provide players access to the highs and lows off the field as well – be it the joy of having a sexual assault charge dropped or the misery of a medical professional explaining to loved ones that your brain suffered substantially from a degenerative disease.”

Over time, the game has earned a reputation for its accurate portrayal of the sport, which the developers aim to strengthen with its latest addition. Accordingly, the Madden team insists the new game mode will deliver a fully immersive experience.

“These aren’t just going to be some cutscenes that you watch and then, boom, that’s it,” said Andrew Wilson, executive vice president at EA Sports. “No, you’re actually going to be the one stabbing that man violently because he bumped into you slightly at a fine dining restaurant, and it will be you choosing what drug and how much when your player decides to shoot himself in a public place.”

“Too few painkillers and you might back out; too many, and you might die of an overdose before you make it out in front of people,” he added with a grin, underscoring his happiness with the feature’s nuance.

Sports Unfiltered spoke with several former NFL players about the new mode who agreed to have their comments shared under the condition of anonymity. They voiced similar concerns.

“I think you are going to have real problems with authenticity,” said one of the players. “I mean, you really think a video game will capture the rush of covering for your buddy when he shoots that dude who was talking shit? It’s a nice touch, but I’m a skeptic.”

Depending on public reception, EA Sports has stated it may experiment with other innovative game modes for future releases, including “Pre-Career Mode” where you can lose your scholarship to Alabama by tearing your ACL senior year of high school and later get incarcerated for robbing a convenience store.

Friday, September 22, 2017

Rush Limbaugh Not Sure What CTE Is, But Definitely Liberal Conspiracy

In his morning broadcast, conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh decried recent reports on the extreme dangers of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) as “yet another cog in the liberal fear machine,” admittedly without being entirely certain what the term represents.

“I’ll tell you, I’ve been scanning the headlines today and I’m seeing a lot about something called ‘CTE,’” he said on air. “And you won’t believe the number of left-wing nutjobs who are spouting and spreading this nonsense. Let me make one thing clear: whatever CTE is – be it a weather system, political mechanism, ethnic conflict, social disorder, or low-calorie post-workout snack – it’s nothing more than a figment of the imagination in the mind of lunatic snowflakes who just can’t handle it like real, red-blooded Americans.”


Limbaugh appeared unaware that CTE was a neurological disease resulting in large part from repeated impact and trauma to the head. That said, he assured his audience that he had encountered "similar left-wing fairy tales" before.

"It may go by a different name, but I've seen this yarn spun before. Just another myth invented by desperate whiny democrats and their cronies to make people support their impotent policies regarding immigration, healthcare, taxation, foreign policy, whether to order Chinese or pizza delivery, and whatever else this thing encompasses, which I am absolutely going to follow up on here in a few moments."

Ensnared in the tirade, he had no time before the impending commercial break to verify his suspicions, but pushed on with his conviction unabated.

“But we mustn’t falter, fellow patriots, in the face of this agenda manufactured by leftist spin doctors, though – to be fair – they may also be communist, anarchist, monarchist, abolitionist, post-modernist, or vegan as well,” he declared. “Whatever this CTE is, we must assemble, make our voices heard, and see to it that it’s stopped – or maintained, defunded, overruled, cured, defeated, or done over again, depending on what it actually is.”

“God save us all. Or maybe deliver it unto us. I’ll have to let you know after this short break from our sponsors,” he added.

After looking up CTE, Limbaugh reminded listeners upon his return that such a terrible thing would have never existed, had Colin Kaepernick just stood up for the national anthem.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Pens Preseason: Urinal at PPG Paints Arena Welcoming Return to Game Action -- Oh, and Jake Guentzel Had Five Points or Whatever

"Great to get back out there and do what I know I do best: act as a receptacle for liquid human excrement," said the porcelain veteran, while the 22-year old forward who dominated the ice on both ends desperately lobbied for attention.

The parade of penalties aside, Wednesday night's contest against the Red Wings appeared to feature the same mixture of players you expect this time of year.

For some, it offers a brief opportunity to experience the game at the NHL level, even if vying chiefly against those in the same position. Take, for instance, Jean-Sebastian Dea, Teddy Blueger, and Thomas Di Pauli.

For others, it's a time to get back into the routine and prepare for yet another long campaign. Cue Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Kris Letang, who don't partake much in the preseason as they enter their 30s.

Situated somewhere in-between, however, are those players who have proven their worth, but still go out there to show what's in store. On the Penguins side, there could only be one who comes to mind: the second urinal from the right in the men's lavatory behind section 105 of PPG Paints Arena -- and apparently Jake Guentzel, who did something good, we guess.

"Felt good to get in on the rush, but still slowly enough to keep from pulling your odor pad," said the urinal.
Following another off-season abridged by success, the wall-mounted toilet relished its first chance to round into shape as the grueling regular season approaches, seeming to have already reached mid-season form. The ceramic star did not disappoint -- and neither did Jake Guentzel, we think we heard on the radio. Honestly, we weren't listening very closely.

"Definitely good to get the rust off," it said in a post-game scrum. "Even if it isn't the 'real thing,' it gets you ready for what you know you're going to see soon: the powerful stream, the dribblers, the sharpshooters, the shotgun sprayers. And you can talk yourself through it. 'OK, how do I approach this guy?'"

It's a great start -- for the urinal; we didn't have time to check online how Jake Guentzel did last year -- but the bathroom pro, now its in seven season, knows larger challenges loom.

"You know the season is in full swing once somebody dumps you hard for the first time," it said, as Jake Guentzel continued to flail his arms at the gathered media, shouting about tallying five points, as if anyone cares. "It's not pretty when it happens, but it always does at some point so you just have to be ready."

Always magnanimous in the limelight, though, there was plenty of love for others in the organization. 

"Hey, but I wouldn't be where I am without the help I get from my team and those throughout the organization: the middle stall in the bathroom by the ticket office, my buddy Jim for always scrubbing me back into the shape after a long night, and even the guys down on the ice like Connor Sheary. I mean, you should probably talk to him; I heard he played a great game tonight."

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

News in Short: Disney to Pick Up New Cartoon Movie, Rejects Another

Disney announced plans today to finance a new animated feature that chronicles the life of a young doll whose neck grows longer every time he throws a bad pass. The new film, to be titled Glennochio, follows the doll and his maker through their efforts to wish him into a real quarterback someday. Executives warn it may not be suitable for all children, however, should it maintain its scripted ending in which the doll goes on to play for a miserable Chicago Bears team.


To allocate enough money for the film, the company had to pass on similar projects, including one about a lazy, melancholy sack of shit who gets just what he deserves when he gets signed by the Miami Dolphins. Management at Disney stated that it did consider the pitch seriously, though, after hearing the conclusion in which the anti-hero gives up and decides to work at the gas station instead.


(Now we're even, Mike.)

You Owe Me One, Buddy: I Wanted to Make Fun of Mike Glennon, But He's So Sinfully Ugly, I Made a Picture of Him With a Normal Fucking Neck Instead

Enjoy it, Mike -- you ungrateful dick.

"Who's that normal-looking guy?" people would ask if Mike Glennon actually looked like this.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Teenager Hoping Secret Character in "Who's Mom Dating Now?" Is Estranged Father

Brad Stevens hopes the latest participant in the group of men his mom has dated over the last year is in fact his biological father, Dave, he muttered angrily from his room Tuesday afternoon.

The comment follows an announcement by Stevens' mother, Connie, that he would have to get a ride to band practice tonight because she needed time "to make herself hot for [Stevens'] new daddy." It was met with considerable dissatisfaction from the sixteen-year-old.

"Good Lord, she probably really thinks this guy is 'the one,'" Stevens said. "Can't it just be dad? Please tell me she was too tipsy to realize the text was from his number and that this will work out."

The date would mark Mrs. Stevens' seventh since the spring of 2016, when a court decision denied Mr. Stevens contact and visitation rights with his family. From under his Nine Inch Nails covers, the teen began to chronicle some of the courting failures that had occurred in the meantime.

A display of Mrs. Steven's six companions since April 2016.
"Even if dad is kind of an asshole, nothing can be worse than that living North Face jacket," he said of his mom's first partner in his father's court-mandated absence, Reggie. "That preppy jerkbag had me spend an entire Friday evening paging through an L.L Bean magazine before my mom would take me to the movies."

Pulling a black beanie over his face, the young Stevens indicated that, upon further thought, his mother may have brought home some male figures more regrettable yet, not the least of which was his mother's fourth companion.

"Oh God, don't even get me started on Biff," the teenager shouted. "The dude stayed at our house for two straight weeks, just sitting on the couch and eating Doritos, mostly from off his chest or the cracks in the house. When you tried to talk to him, he stared at you and kept eating."

"I guess that was still nice, though, compared to Russ," he remarked of his mom's most recent unsuccessful date. "Yeah, Russ, thanks. If I ever need a refresher on how to play sports ball or a lame story about seeing John Fogerty at the airport, I'll let you know."  

Mrs. Stevens remains confident about her upcoming night out, despite cynicism from her only child.

"Oh, Brad thinks he wants Dave back, but he'll get over it quickly," she said, as her son promised to go to church if "God or whatever" would smite his mother and bring his dad home. "It's a shame it didn't work out with Russ; Brad just loved that story about John Fogerty."

--- 

UPDATE: Sources close to the Stevens household report that the man in question is Kevin, a co-worker of Mrs. Stevens, whom her son hasn't seen since a company picnic in 2013.

"Great. The guy who liked to call me 'Scout' and smells constantly like medicated ointment," he said. "For fuck sake, I'd rather be face deep in an L.L Bean catalog by now."

Monday, September 18, 2017

Pat Narduzzi Encouraged by Game Tape From Loss to Oklahoma State, Unaware He Was Actually Watching Recording of 'America's Funniest Home Videos'

In a post-practice press conference, Pitt football head coach Pat Narduzzi said he was "feeling better" today after watching the film to his team's 59-21 blowout defeat to Oklahoma State, having somehow overlooked that he was in fact watching a Bob Saget-era episode of America's Funniest Home Videos.

"I thought [quarterback] Max [Browne] really kept his cool in the pocket under some tough pressure," Narduzzi said of his starter, apparently mistaking an improvised line from Saget for a gutsy audible that Browne never made. "It was positive to me to see him stay in control even when the teleprompter goes out for a second like that."

"That's what I like to see!" Narduzzi reported yelling after confusing a toddler tackling her sibling for a hit by strong safety Dennis Briggs.

The coach went on to address other facets of the game tape that impressed him, seemingly unaware that he had been viewing an episode of the ABC comedy series from more than two decades ago.

"I was a big fan of how [running back] Chawntez [Moss] hit the holes. Thought he was really hard to tackle out there," Narduzzi commented, having evidently identified a small dog eluding its owners at bath time as the tailback who averaged less than four yards a carry.

"And let's not forget about some of the those guys on the line who helped open up that space," he added, presumably in reference to the house cat that tripped up the male in the video as he tried to reach for the runaway canine.

"Ball security was excellent as well," Narduzzi said of second-string quarterback Ben Dinucci while watching Saget hold on to a puppy.
At times, Narduzzi appeared to show signs of realizing he had not actually watched footage from the game, but he was quick to dismiss any considerations otherwise.

"I don't quite remember our punt team smacking the [Oklahoma] State player in the groin like that," he noted before pausing for a moment and shaking his head to reject any notion that the event had not taken in place in Saturday's game. "But I'll tell you what: it sure was funny. I bet the people at ESPN will be playing that one on replay for a while now."

As several members of the assembled media attempted to convince Narduzzi of the mix-up, the coach redirected conversation to planning for next week, stating he was still uncertain whether Max Browne or Ben Dinucci would start at quarterback despite having reviewed hours of game film that were really the first two movies in the Air Bud series.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Pirates Offer Glasnow Up for Free on Craigslist to Anyone With "a Good Home"

The Pittsburgh Pirates posted a Craigslist ad Thursday to give away Tyler Glasnow on the condition that any interested parties could promise him a comfortable, secure life at home.


The entire post reads as follows:
"so we have a pitcher whom we love dearly -- we really do -- but we just don't think it's going to work out with him anymore, so we're putting him up for free to anyone who can provide a good home.

before anyone judges, we take our pitchers to competitions, big ones, and unfortunately he just doesn't do very well when we get to them. honestly, at home, in the backyard or even at a friend's house in indianapolis, he's great: can do a bunch of tricks, listens to everything you say, and stands out among the rest.

at competitions, though, he just gets so skittish, and it's hard for us to keep him because we are really tight on money and can't afford to keep a pitcher who we can't take with us -- sorry :(. we even had him work with a special trainer we hired named Ray, who has been AWESOME with so many other pitchers we've brought in, but it just hasn't panned out all.

he's past his youngest stage, but he's still plenty spry! would definitely be a good pitcher to have around the house and spend time with your kids, just don't know if he'll ever be able to do professional performances again :( but maybe! it might help him to have a new family.

again, this is really tough for us, too. we got him from a pure breeder and spent a lot of time working with him, so you know we like him, but like we said, just can't take any more time to work with it.

anyway, we are open to any sort of pick up, or if you'd like, we can set up a day to come see him run around and play! he is really sociable and nice, so you might find your new best friend!

we're so sorry again, but look forward to finding our buddy a new home. thanks so much!

Bob and Neal

(note: we are not a couple; homosexuality is a sin)"

According to contacts in the front office, the post was flagged shortly after its appearance. Team owner Bob Nutting is said to have believed it was in response to an assumed lifestyle choice between him and General Manager Neal Huntington, issuing a statement to moderators to underscore their "extremely platonic, superbly professional" relationship. The appeal was denied and the post has since been removed.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Ted Cruz Blasted by Critics for Still Paying for Porn

United States Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), recently admonished for liking a tweet containing sexually explicit material, found himself in further trouble Wednesday after an investigation revealed that he was still paying for pornography online.

The findings were released earlier today in a report titled "Fiscal Sensibility in Sexual Content Allocations," spearheaded by a bipartisan commission of fellow Senators. They reproached the under-fire Cruz for his careless economic approach while seeking out sexual content on the internet.

"Spending $29.99 a month on a site called 'Big Texas Boobs' is just a travesty and, frankly, the people of Texas deserve somebody more thoughtful in spending than that," said commission participant Bob Casey (D-PA). "Come on, you could Google those three words together and get thousands of photos for free."

Cruz used his family credit card to subscribe to the various pornographic websites.
Other Senators involved in the investigation cited several key discoveries made early in the process that obliged them to continue. Perhaps most disconcerting was Cruz's search history, which was not packed with obscure fetishes, but rather indicators of amateur efforts to locate sexual media.

"[Cruz] actually typed 'www.porn.com' in the address bar," said Senator John McCain (R-AZ). "I mean, what are you, a teenager? I'm 81 years old and even I know that there are better ways to find dirty pictures and videos than that. Goodness, you might think he drove around looking for a Blockbuster first to see if they had an adult section."

Parts of the report did state that Cruz had at one point entered the search query "family video naughty section" on both his laptop and cell phone.

Meanwhile, others yet wondered if Cruz could be expected to connect with his constituents and provide them meaningful help and governance if his online habits are to reflect his understanding of modern media.

"You have to know by now that there is a 'tube' for this, that, and everything in between," said Senator Chris Murphy (D-CT). "But I guess if you go around using search terms like 'special parts on ladies' and 'very nice looking bosoms,' then you're bound to miss the standard-bearers in the industry. Seriously, though, if you can't figure that out, how are you supposed to navigate the tough challenges we have before us today?"

While members of the commission chose not to furnish extensive details, they mentioned the possibility of further investigation after they found out Cruz had visited the website "drugs.com" and then liked a post on Instagram about marijuana.

Man Catches 'Friends' on Date's Instant Queue, Considering Escape Options

Local man Rob Thompson is desperately attempting to flee the apartment of his date Michelle Engle after spotting the TV series Friends on her Netflix Instant Queue, sources close to Thompson reported this evening.

Thompson identified the offending show on Engle's iPad.
Thompson and Engle met around 5:15 p.m. at Primanti's in Market Square for post-work drinks that were determined to be a second date by members of their social circles. Given the circumstances, the 28-year-old from Mt. Washington still expected the night to conclude early.

"It's a Tuesday, so I figured it would be sort of an impromptu short date and that would be about it," Thompson said. "You know, a few beers, maybe a kiss goodnight, and we go our separate ways. But things really picked up."

After their second round, the pair decided to stay for dinner and build on a solid foundation developed during their first outing together to the North Shore for some biking and walking. Thompson was encouraged by the results.

"We both enjoy being active, like going to concerts, and I found out that we even listen to the same comedians, which is usually a telling sign whether you are compatible," he said.

"Besides, you don't always get a chance to date a girl willing to take on a capicola and cheese the second time you're out with her," he added.

After finishing their meals, Engle accepted Thompson's offer to pay for the food, so long as she could leave tip. Sources receiving live updates tell Sports Unfiltered that Thompson prepared to head out and go back home when his date made a bold move.

"Rob was speechless when she asked him over," said Thompson's friend and co-worker Steve. "At that point, he felt like he couldn't decline."

Having accepted Engle's invite, the two drove separately to the apartment she is renting in Robinson. After having made some cocktails, sources say the two of them sat on the couch where Engle pulled up her various streaming accounts and asked Thompson what he liked. He insisted on making safe suggestions.

"It's easy for guys to get too ahead of themselves and ruin it," Thompson said. "Sure, I'd love to watch the entire Rambo series in one sitting or down an entire season of Futurama, but  you can't come flying out of the gate like that, so I stuck to some AMC shows -- things that have a bit more broad interest."

Thompson anxiously deliberates how to get himself out of Engle's place without harm.

As Engle began to scroll through her Netflix offerings, Thompson tried to look busy until he noticed a familiar logo on the screen. It was here that panic set in.

"Oh Christ, I know that kitschy cover art; it's Friends," he alerted close members in his friend network via text. "She's probably going to ask me whether I think I'm more like Joey, Chandler, or Ross next. Fuck, fuck, fuck."

With increasing concern, Thompson has been cycling through possible means of escape with his closest associates for the past ten minutes.

"Well, [Engle is] on the second floor, so a window egress seems impractical," said his friend Tyler. "He had just put his arm around her, too, so he can't just look at the phone and say something came up without throwing up ridiculously mixed signals. Now she just went to the bathroom and he thinks she knows something is wrong."

As of press time, Engle is reportedly sitting in the bathroom with the sink running to call her old roommate and demand she "stop using the Netflix account to watch shitty shows like Friends."

"Jesus. After seeing that, I'm surprised [Thompson] hasn't jumped out a window yet," she could be heard yelling.