Sunday, December 24, 2017

Snapshot News: Gronk Makes One-Handed Catch in Effort to Prove He's Just as Good at Football as Attempted Homicide

Meanwhile, Nate Peterman is said to have stood on the sideline in an effort to convince people he was still an NFL quarterback.

I Fear My Children Are Growing Up in a World Where They Will Know Eli Manning as the 'Football One'

As the father of two young children, I've learned to think proactively. Taking a trip, having guests, any potential kinks to the routine -- you just get an inkling for what's going to stir the pot, so to speak. That's why, when I look ahead to my kids' future, I can't help but be absolutely terrified. That's right, I'm afraid that my children will live in a world where they will call Eli Manning 'the football one' of the family. Even now, I shudder.

Yeah, sure, Eli has had a decent career: two Super Bowls, defeating the Patriots both times; more than 50,000 yards passing, 300 touchdowns; generally, a winning career. But that doesn't mean any father should have to hear his children utter these words while watching TV: "Oh, that guy on the Papa John's commercial -- his brother is the good football guy, right?" I could almost shed a tear just thinking about it.

Come on, more than 70,000 yards, 521 touchdowns -- that's more than twice as many picks he's thrown. On what planet should a man have to witness his offspring overlook this litany of accomplishments in favor of Peyton's near-Neanderthal sibling who was the runt of his QB class, let alone his family?

Christ, Coop probably could've stood behind center and put up numbers like Eli, and yet we could have an entire generation of young people identifying Eli as the 'football one' or, worse yet, the 'football star,' completely unaware of Peyton's field general presence, meticulous attention to detail, and the even the fact that the Colts were 2-14 in 2011 when he missed out with a neck injury, nearly garnering MVP consideration despite not playing.  I don't know about you, but I love my children, and this is not the world I want for them.

Now I just need to convince them that Tiger Woods is not a middling, sexually deviant pro golfer and we can finally get back the pleasant world I had always imagined for me and my family.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Snapshot News: Man Uses Special Item to Reduce Odds of Random Encounter With Family Over Holidays

Local man Henry Baylor intends to use his stockpile of the special item 'Booze' to combat the possibility of seeing members of his immediate and extended family this holiday season, friends close to the 33-year-old are reporting.

However, as of press time, sources have indicated that his scheme has not unfolded as planned.

Neighbors have confirmed calling the police after hearing Henry unleash the special skill 'Can't You Just Go Die Already?!' on his grandmother.

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Without the Guidance of D-Generation X, I Wouldn't Have Made It Where I Am Today -- You Know, Jail

I can remember it like it's yesterday. There I was, posted up in front of the TV, watching professional wrestling with my friends, not having a care in the world. And little did I know that, in those formative moments, my life would be changed forever when I watched a group of grown men gesture aggressively at their genitals and tell the world to place its collective mouth upon them.

I think it goes without saying: had I not heeded the call set forth by the intrepid members of D-Generation X, I would have never gotten where I am today -- that is, cell 18C in county jail.

Man, to think where I'd be today, were it not for an influential collection of adult males showing young persons that you have the goddamn right to tell anyone in the way to wrap their lips around that sweaty meat between your legs and if they can't find it, that you'll be happy to lead them in the right direction. I'll tell you one place I probably wouldn't be: holed up in this 6'x8' for repeatedly exposing myself to the public.

I can't blame DX for empowering me to assert myself, though. I mean, what would I say to myself if I hadn't been taught to subdue those who dare defy me by forcing them into a corner while I gyrate wildly over top of their face and body? Well, I guess I'd probably say something like, "Hey, I should go back to my humble, but-much-better-than-jail, one-bedroom apartment." Or maybe, "I should go catch a movie." Likely a lot fewer instances of, "Crowbar looks a bit ornery today; better avoid him in the shower." 

OK, yeah, I could say that shit, but could I look myself in the mirror, I mean really look at myself? To be fair, we have no mirrors here, but I can at least use my imagination, dammit!

Let me just say this: when you need to find your way in life, you just look the next person you see right in the eyes, angle your hands right down to your crotch, and tell them to "Suck it!" as boisterously as you can.

Unless it's a judge. They hate that. Trust me, I know.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

News in Short: ESPN Intern Uses Most of Night Shift Googling Synonyms for 'Pressure' to Describe Steelers' Defensive Gameplan Against Patriots

ESPN writing intern Jonah Hutchinson spent the majority of his ten-hour overnight shift last night looking for alternate terms to 'pressure' to assist TV analysts in outlining key components of the Pittsburgh Steelers' defensive strategy against the New England Patriots, company sources verified today.

The 23-year-old Quinnipac University graduate arrived on time for his unusually scheduled shift at the sports media giant's office headquarters in Bristol, Connecticut, where he soon discovered he was the only non-custodial employee present. With little recourse available, Hutchinson then took to the assignment his manager had scribbled onto a sticky note and hung on his monitor: to generate a list of varying reiterations for the common practice of applying pressure to the quarterback.

"OK, um, 'Not letting the quarterback set his feet,'" security footage revealed him stating aloud between fits of burying his face in his hands. "'No time in the pocket.' 'Bringing heat on the inside.' Uh, what else?"

"Jesus, Jonah, you could've taken a cushy job at your dad's accounting firm, but no, you had to go shoot for the stars in Bristol fucking Connecticut, didn't you?" he yelled after a considerably longer pause in his brainstorming session.

When taking breaks in his search for alternative terms, the intern deleted references to Rex Ryan's foot fetish on social media, per standard company practice, as well as any negative commentary aimed at Ben Roethlisberger, via the quarterback's personal request.

Friday, December 15, 2017

UPS Delivery Man Couldn't Tell You Last Time He Delivered This Many Boxes of Dildos and Feces to One Guy's House

UPS delivery driver Jerry Gonzalez "has no clue" when he last delivered such a massive volume of marital aids and various species' fecal matter to one person, conceded the 45-year-old this afternoon as he approached the home of FCC chairman Ajit Pai.

Gonzalez was on break during his shift in the suburban parts of Arlington, Virginia when he noticed that the contents of his truck consisted mostly of boxes and packages addressed to Mr. Pai. A closer inspection of the materials revealed an unusual pattern.

"Around the holidays, it's not unusual to get a lot packages going to one place," he said, as he rummaged through the countless boxes containing plastic molds of male genitalia and excrement. "But I started noticing all this wordplay on the labels: 'King Dong,' 'Mister Fister,' 'Go Out With a Wang' -- at that point, the wind picked up and there was this, uh, stench, to put it kindly."

Gonzalez, who described himself as "generally uninterested in politics," couldn't identify why exactly people were sending Mr. Pai these particular items, but he admitted one thing seemed obvious.

"He must have pissed somebody the hell off," he said with a laugh, before his face adopted a more serious expression. "I really don't mind dropping this stuff off, but I was happy to be done with my shift. I heard the next wave of shipments to this guy's place is full of semen samples and animal blood."

He continued after some thought: "Jesus, you'd swear this guy stole the entire internet or something. Yeesh."

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Snapshot News: Buffalo Police Willing to Forgive One Misdemeanor for Bills Fans Shoveling Snow Before Colts Game

Despite the lenient nature of the offer, officials have urged fans to "please dear God" refrain from fucking each other in the parking lots.

Much to fans' chagrin, however, they have not clarified whether the pardon can be applied to a misdemeanor issued due to events at tomorrow's game.

Roethlisberger to Offer Sacrifice to AFC North Gods in Preparation for Game Against Ravens

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is to perform his latest ritualistic sacrifice this afternoon in an attempt to gain favor from the gods of the AFC North before the team's bout tomorrow with division rival Baltimore Ravens, insider sources confirmed.

Roethlisberger sparked widespread reaction with post-game remarks that the violent, penalty-laden game Monday between his Steelers and the Cincinnati Bengals was nothing more than "AFC North football." Despite considerable criticism aimed at such a style of play, the Steelers veteran continued his weekly routines seemingly unaffected.

"You can't get too caught up in all that stuff," said Roethlisberger, as he ran his fingers across the blade of his sword, creating a particularly fine wound that suggested the weapon's supreme sharpness. "You just have to keep your cool and take it one day at a time, whether it's watching video or beheading another victim to appease the deities that rule over the division.

"Hey, I didn't make the rules," he added with a shrug of his leather-covered breastplate.

Coach Mike Tomlin has faced equally daunting challenges this week, tasked with rallying his players after a frightening spinal injury to linebacker Ryan Shazier. Given the circumstances, he is happy to see his quarterback soliciting whatever help the powers that be may choose to furnish.

"We understand that this game is a war of attrition," he said, while Roethlisberger steadied his sword and focused his aim upon the neck of the human offering. "Particularly one that is won by placating the fleeting whims of the AFC North gods that look upon us and laugh at our petty mortal struggles. So I praise our quarterback's initiative."

For Roethlisberger's part, he appeared to cherish the autonomy in his preparations.

"We're not huddling, waiting for the call from the sidelines; I pretty much run this all myself," Roethlisberger said, glancing at the available hot routes for the execution taped to his gauntlet. "I have to know where to best lay the prisoner down, the angle to hold his neck, and make the proper adjustments in the delivery of my downward stroke. It's some really in-depth stuff."

As of press time, Roethlisberger was yelling "Dilly dilly!", prompting his teammates to reposition the body of the sacrifice and hurry off to grab the quarterback's favorite battle axe.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

News in Short: Marvin Lewis Celebrates Another Textbook Loss in His Storied Career of Fucking Shit Up

Cincinnati Bengals coach Marvin Lewis went out for drinks yesterday to celebrate his team's most recent defeat as another vintage loss to add to an already impressively unsuccessful career, friends and family confirmed today.

Lewis saw fit to "soak in the sweet taste of non-victory," as his Bengals faltered spectacularly in their Monday night match-up against the Pittsburgh Steelers, jeopardizing their chances to make the playoffs as a wild card. The team led 17-0 at one point in the first half, but the long-time underachieving coach accepted the challenge with an unparralled inability to manage players, emphasize discipline, and make winning adjustments as the game progressed. Lewis insists it came naturally.

"What can I say? It's a gift," he said between high-fives with patrons and anecdotes of other remarkable failings. "No matter the situation, no matter the lead, no matter how many significant injuries we cause for the other team, I know I can get our guys to believe in what we do best: lose important football games."

However, Lewis was quick to deflect questions whether he considered himself one of the greatest. 

"I've got a long way to go before I can count myself on the same level as Cleveland."

Monday, November 27, 2017

Snapshot News: Pantless Man in Front of Computer Realizing Cyber Monday Is Bit of a Misnomer

"Kind of explains the sour reactions I got when asking random people for their ASL (age, sex, location)," the man reflected. "Not surprised, though. Things in the online world have really gone south since everyone started straying from AOL."

Several hours on Chat Roulette ended much less fruitfully than the man had anticipated.
The man has insisted, however, that there will be no such confusion on his self-declared "Touch Yourself Tuesday."

Post-Game Report: Packers Fan Irritated Pittsburgh Friend Couldn't Find Him Despite Providing Exact Cheese Coordinates

Green Bay Packers fan Bob Neuhauser was frustrated last night that his friend was unable to locate him inside Heinz Field, even after he had issued precise cheese-based coordinates, sources close to the 34-year-old verified this morning.

"No! No! No! That's in the direction of sharp cheddar! I clearly said 'mild,'" Neuhauser shouted into his phone.
Neuhauser attended the Steelers game with Polish Hill native Kurt Polanski, whom he befriended in college. Reports suggest that the two separated near the end of the third quarter when Polanski offered to buy one more round of beers while Neuhauser went to the restroom. The Madison, Wisconsin resident called Polanski shortly thereafter to clarify that he was standing in the rotunda on the right side of the stadium's open end, but had difficulty explaining his location by only describing it with cheese-associated terminology.

"What else do I need to say?!" fans near Neuhauser reported hearing him yell. "For the last time, I'm standing right in the middle of American and Colby Jack! How hard is that to understand?!"

Friends of the pair told Sports Unfiltered that Polanski asked for other indicators, including the number of nearby sections, what vendors or signs were in the vicinity, and that Neuhauser "wave [his] arms around like he's grasping at the last slice of Pepper Jack," but the efforts failed.

"Listen, I'm going to walk to in the direction of Swiss," Neuhauser replied. "You do the same, and I think we'll meet up somewhere around Feta."

Polanski reportedly recommended that they instead "catch each other at [his] place after the game." Neuhauser is said to have arrived at approximately 1 a.m. after the Uber driver insisted he didn't know how to get to the corner of "Muenster and Provolone."

Saturday, November 25, 2017

What If: Pitt to Wonder What Could Have Been, Had They Just Beaten Georgia Tech, Syracuse, NC State, North Carolina, and Virginia Tech

The atmosphere in the Pitt locker room Friday afternoon matched the moment: fists pumped, chests bumped, and shouts filled the air. It culminated in a display that one would expect from a group of young men that had just toppled -- by ranking, anyway -- the second-best team in the entire country before a home crowd in its last game of the season.

Still, something else hung in the air that stymied the mood; everyone in the room could sense the presence of a counterbalance looming nearby. Players identified it easily: disappointment.

Such was the Panthers' dilemma following their 24-14 win against then #2 Miami to wrap up the 2017-2018 season. At 5-7 and with only a fleeting chance of a bowl bid, players were left to consider where they might be had they only managed to defeat Georgia Tech, Syracuse, NC State, North Carolina, and Virginia Tech.

"Honestly, it's just disheartening," said redshirt senior WR Jester Weah, reflecting on his final year at Pitt. "Think about it: all we needed were four or five more wins and we are talking about a season to remember."

"That's all it would have taken," he emphasized.

Indeed, a cathartic conference win to conclude regular-season play seemed to open old wounds, and Pitt's are numerous: had they simply scored to overcome Virginia Tech in the game's final drive, not somehow succumbed to a weak North Carolina team, looked like they belonged against a clearly superior NC State squad, not squandered the game against a beatable opponent in Syracuse, and shown up for their first ACC bout against Gerogia Tech, they could have made a serious run at being considered decent.

"Yeah, those two, three, four, five or so games -- they could've made a big difference," said Aliquippa native Jordan Whitehead. "We could have been, like, ranked or something."

"People would've been talking about how all right we are and how we have a shot to qualify for a pretty good bowl and stuff," he added.

Not all the players are letting the losses haunt them, however. Freshman QB Kenny Pickett was ready to look ahead and prepare for the future. "You can't let these kind of things keep you down," he said. "For me, it's time to push my limits in winter training, make some phone calls, and hope my big win can land me a transfer before next fall rolls around."

News in Short: Pat Narduzzi Asks Schools to Disregard Resume He Sent Earlier This Week

Pitt football head coach Pat Narduzzi sent an e-mail to various athletic directors this morning, requesting that they ignore the resume he had circulated prior to his team's victory on Friday, university sources reported.

Narduzzi is said to have disseminated the document of his professional credentials after a disappointing third year at the helm, where his Pitt Panthers struggled on both sides of the ball and tallied several losses that fans and pundits felt the team should have won. However, after their upset of #2 Miami, he quickly distanced himself from the possibility that he would seek new employment.

"I acted rashly, so I would ask you please to pay no heed to that resume I sent you Tuesday afternoon," it read, according to one athletic director who spoke to Sports Unfiltered about the e-mail. "But, at the same time, don't delete it. Maybe store it away somewhere in a folder or something I'm sure you keep. You know, just in case."

Personnel at several universities confirmed that Narduzzi also asked them to add a bullet point of "second-most wins against #2 ranked teams in CFB" in his accomplishments section, should "Kenny Pickett really shit the bed next year."

Friday, November 24, 2017

Kmart to Drum Up Holiday Business by Convincing Everybody It Is Still 1994

Department chain Kmart intends to attract holiday shoppers this season by persuading people that the year is still 1994 and therefore that the store remains a preferred destination for brand-name gift purchases, leaked documents from meetings of the company's corporate team revealed yesterday.

The long-time retailer has struggled for nearly two decades, having reached the apex of its success in 2000 when it counted 2171 locations to its name. Various factors have contributed to the company's woes since then, but finding its niche among a growing list of competitors like Target and Walmart has proven most difficult. 

The files released anonymously online include company action plans that articulate how it aims to outperform rivals, most notably by manipulating consumers into believing that they live in a time in which Kmart's challengers do not exist or remain relatively unknown on the national market.

"If the strategies described herein are enacted properly, the consumer should be unable even to consider whether nearby retailers carry the same product of better workmanship or value," one document read in part. "The consumer shall be far too overwhelmed with employee dialogue about Bill Clinton's most recent domestic and foreign policy changes (with limited foresight on the long-reaching consequences thereof), the cassette-quality replays of I Swear by All-4-One, and the regular use of catch phrases from Fresh Prince of Bel Air or Beavis and Butthead to realize that he or she is not, in fact, more than 20 years in the past."

The company's executive body also mandates its managers to stock their stores appropriately to maximize both the plans' effectiveness and, in concept, profitability.

"Responsibility shall be delegated among regional and store managers to ensure they have secured enough time-appropriate product from second-hand shops, Craigslist, and eBay to safeguard the deception practiced upon the consumer and ideally create significant profit margins."

"Honestly, though, we will be happy if people just get in the building and look around for a bit," the document concluded.

In a similar move, electronics retailer Radio Shack hopes to draw interest from holiday  consumers by reminding people that they do somehow still exist, calling on all employees to be present, even if they weren't "supposed to be [t]here today."

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Snapshot News: Y Signal Relishing New Role in Second Season of 'Stranger Things'

He concedes to fears of being typecast, however, given the nature of the role. "I feel like I have a lot range in me; I can be more than a bad guy. I just need to get the chance," he said.

"I'm pretty sure I can't end up any worse off than Michael Cera, though," he admitted.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Gentrification Turns Streets of Rage Into Streets of $7 Craft Beer

An influx of high-income transplants and outside investors has converted the neighborhood once referred to as the "Streets of Rage" into a pocket of overpriced gastropubs and boutiques, the results of a city-wide study indicated today.

Former officer Stone walks down the street with his knife, "Stabby," which he still carries "just to be sure."
The findings conclude a several-year analysis of the city's neighborhoods, enacted by city council members after a housing boom appeared to alter the state of its constituents and culture.

"You can see it everywhere on the Streets -- of Rage," said former police officer Axel Stone, who apologized profusely for not being able to mention a roadway without furnishing it some anger-themed title. "You used to not be able to walk around at night without getting into several hours' worth of exhilarating fights with small-time cronies and crime bosses. Now I can walk around easily enough, but I can barely afford to pay my rent."

Stone's complaints echo those of many citizens, the study found. Many local residents lamented the demolition of reasonable housing for small-batch craft breweries and niche ethnic restaurants.

"I had to slide tackle the shit out of people to make a living," said local resident Y Signal. "Before I can rob anyone nowadays, they accost me by trying to sell me their leather-bound books or asking me where they can find a good mead and gyoza around here."

Not everyone shares this sentiment, however. Some long-time constituents are embracing the changing face of their city.

"I don't think I can overstate this: there were people driving dirt bikes around, trying to run you over," said Blaze Fielding, who still resides in the area that many locals know as the "Streets of Rage." "Like not one or two; I'm talking hundreds. I couldn't get to the corner without having to jump-kick two dozen guys, just so I wasn't covered in tire marks!"

For better or worse, officials have reported a striking reduction in crime. In fact, the city's former crime kingpin Mr. X was unable to be reached for comment after realizing he was late to his shift as manager of the vegan coffee shop.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Exclusive: Sports Unfiltered Talks to Antti Niemi's Luggage About the Hardships of a Relationship With an Athlete Who Miserably Sucks

It's 9 a.m. sharp. The sun pokes through the translucent curtains of yet another hotel room -- the second this week, in fact.

Hush reigns over the room, save for the occasional passerby and the hum of the air conditioner as it periodically comes and goes. Despite the scene's casual notes, there remains one road warrior ready for anything the day might bring.

It is most certainly not goaltender Antti Niemi. His luggage, however, lies at rigid attention; its wheels worn, but relentless; its handle beginning to fray, but firm and resilient. All of which testifies to the thankless service of a wheeled piece of luggage.

But more striking yet: one that is forever indentured to a woefully bad professional athlete.

Sports Unfiltered had the recent pleasure of speaking with Antti Niemi's travel gear about what it is like to be in a relationship so demanding and hopeless, as the struggling goalie toils between various towns in the U.S. and Canada.

Sports Unfiltered: So, to start, why don't you tell us a little bit about the roots of your relationship with Antti?

Luggage: Oh, wow, OK (chuckling). Well, I guess it all started back in 2008 when I met Antti for the first time in a luggage store in Rockford, Illinois. Man, it's crazy how long ago that was. He was just a kid from Finland, you know? We met eyes and it just clicked, there and then. Funny thing was he tried to pay with a credit card, but they declined it because they assumed the name 'Antti Niemi' was fake -- or at least Soviet.

Sports Unfiltered: This was when he was in the minor leagues, correct?

Luggage: Absolutely.

Sports Unfiltered: And how would you describe your times then?

Luggage: Just great. There we were, a young no-namer out of Vantaa[, Finland] and young buck piece of luggage with a chip on his shoulder from Rockford, Illinois. Things were easy in those days. We traveled a bunch, sure, but everything was fresh, lively, trending upwards.

Sports Unfiltered: How did your bond progress moving forward?

Luggage: Things got really serious after a couple years. We were entrenched in San Jose, but I think we were ready for that, looking back. We got around still, no doubt, but we had a place we called home and it was... steady, I guess I'll call it.

Sports Unfiltered: Would you say that that has changed and if so, how?

Luggage: I mean, look at me (laughing). I have a piece of masking tape with his name written on it! If that doesn't show something changed, then what does? I told -- I told him -- that we should have never made that move to Dallas.

Sports Unfiltered: What are things like nowadays?

Luggage: We mostly bounce around hotels. Antti groans a lot, buries his head in his hands. Each time his ringtone goes off, he just sits there, defeated, and says, "Well, looks like it's time to leave friend," as he pats me gently. It's the only gesture of affection I see much anymore.

Sports Unfiltered: What do you think the future holds?

Luggage: Who knows, really? Sometimes he logs onto the hotel computer and gives me this look. I swear I've seen him on e-Bay or Craigslist before, typing things out. But then he just clicks out and we head back to the room and Antti usually pours himself a drink. Honestly, I sometimes wish some random businessman had just bought me, so I could take a couple unsuccessful trips out to Chicago and Milwaukee, and then I could be stuffed in the bedroom closet like I expected, coming out of Rockford, Illinois.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Heinz Unveils Limited Regional Release of Ketchup Half Barrel

The Kraft Heinz Company will be using southwestern Pennsylvania as the test market for its new 15.5-gallon ketchup kegs, the food conglomerate explained in a press release earlier today.

According to the statement posted on the company website, the new "army-sized" ketchup containers will appear in local grocery stores, including Giant Eagle, Foodland, and Kuhn's Market branches, from today until the Christmas season, after which point the multinational giant will evaluate its success before moving forward.

"The people of [southwestern Pennsylvania] are universally known for their dedication to the Heinz line of products, particularly ketchup," read the statement's justification for the larger design. "Whether it is being used on burgers, hot dogs, pizza, to make cheap sandwiches, or to drown the taste of a dreadful relative's cooking, Heinz ketchup is a mainstay in the area's average household, and we at Kraft Heinz intend to meet that demand without reservation."

The company did issue a warning, however, for those interested in the product's massive quantity.

"We nevertheless ask that all of our valued customers exercise caution and act responsibly in their consumption of ketchup. It is possible that excessive ingestion of ketchup can result in an inability to clean up the dirty dishes, avoid eating one last hot dog, and other dangerous, habit-suggestive behaviors."

If all goes well, the release suggests that the product will be added to the regular rotation of Heinz offerings. Moreover, the company may then consider selling pony kegs of mustard and six packs of relish.

Monday, November 6, 2017

Gamer Invited to Wedding Hopes He Can Use His +1 on Charisma

After receiving an invitation to his friends' wedding this coming summer, local gamer Jeff Forsythe, 31, revealed today that he has "[his] fingers crossed" that he can allocate his +1 to improving his charisma.

Forsythe, who describes himself as an "avid player" of video game and tabletop fantasy titles, befriended groom David Womack and bride Heather Wilson while they studied engineering at Dickinson College in Carlisle, PA. The couple always intended to have him attend their wedding, but whether to allot him a guest proved to be a point of contention.

"We love Jeff, we really do, but the dollar signs add up so quickly, you know?" said Womack. "So it took us a long time to come to a decision, but we figured, hey, having a guest might make the night really something to remember for him."

"Besides, if he doesn't bring anybody with him, that's OK, too," added Wilson. "But we thought Jeff might feel a little more comfortable with a familiar face by him."

Adding to their concerns were past incidents that included Forsythe bringing a giant cutout of Winry, a fictional female character in the anime and manga series Fullmetal Alchemist, to winter formal their sophomore year and his insistence on using a 20-sided die to determine his attire and destination on dates. 

Ultimately, their worries seemed to be validated as Forsythe mistook their generosity for an opportunity to boost various personality traits. In fact, sources say he has spent long periods of time deliberating which statistical upgrade would benefit him most at the ceremony and reception.

"There's an open bar," he noted, "so elevating my constitution would be great to defend against getting drunk too fast, especially if I get ambushed with shots. Then again, adding to my dexterity would give me more confidence on the dance floor, probably encouraging me to drink less."

No matter the thought process, Forsythe kept returning to his initial premise.

"But what's it all about, really?" he asked himself. "Conversation, fun, being loose and easy to talk to -- that's what. I think charisma is still the way to go; I can just let loose and be more spontaneous and less rigid."

As per latest reports, Forsythe was adhering to his chosen strategy, simply flipping a coin instead of rolling his die to decide whether he should wear a traditional tuxedo or the hard plastic Gundam battle suit he bought on eBay last year.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Charlie Morton Furious He Still Can't Win World Series Game 7 With Himself in The Show '17

Sources close to World Series champion Charlie Morton confirmed today that the Astros pitcher was seething after his ninth unsuccessful attempt to win Game 7 of the World Series in MLB: The Show '17 as his digital counterpart.

The right-hander was said to have sat down on the loveseat in his den earlier this morning, set on achieving what he called "a personal repeat" after having closed out the World Series victory just the night prior.

"Man, this is going to be easy," he was overheard saying from the other room. "Pitching in real life -- the fans, the pressure, the fatigue -- that's hard. So this should be a cinch."

Save data indicate that Morton skipped over the regular season, choosing instead to take over once the playoffs began. Upon reaching the final round with only occasional difficulty, his prior confidence quickly subsided within 15 minutes of his first Game 7 start, with his video game duplicate unable to land pitches consistently within the strike zone or reach his most recent velocity in real games.

"93? What the hell is that?!" he reportedly asked, gesturing at the TV in a way that suggested he had the arm strength to exceed that level. "Did nobody see those four-seam[ fastballs] clock in at 99 last night?"

Morton, after abandoning his third playthrough, became even further agitated and began to alter the settings to their easiest point, improving his own pitching skills and limiting the computer's hitting skills as much as the game would allow. These measures still did not create the desired effect, however.

"Son of a goddamn bitch!" neighbors reported hearing from the Morton household after he conceded another home run. "I throw a heavier sinker than that. No way somebody crushes it, what, 481 feet? Oh, come on!"

According to most recent reports, the 33-year-old has since resorted to "Ground Ball Chuck" tactics, throwing primarily sinkers and fastballs low in the zone to create outs.

Meanwhile, Morton's teammate Fransisco Liriano stayed true to form, letting the computer win the World Series for him while watching comfortably from the couch.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

News in Short: New Comcast Automated Customer Service Can Determine Callers' Needs by How They Curse Into the Phone

Comcast's new automated customer service technology will accurately direct callers to the right department or individual based on the tone and choice of obscenities being shouted into the phone, the company announced earlier today.

In recent years, major communication corporations like Comcast have implemented computer-based voice recognition to handle customer service lines and thereby reduce costs, but customers have consistently voiced frustration with the system's ineffectiveness. The cable giant has stated that new developments in technology have lead to significant improvements to the experience.

"Before, our systems could only handle simple input like 'yes,' 'no,' 'cancel service,' and such," said Brian L. Roberts, company CEO in a press release. "But they were incapable of dealing with the vital minute detail of caller demands to 'slob on a big old greasy cock' or that we 'ram a cable box so far up our collective ass that we spit it back out.' Well, I'm happy to say that, now, we are ready to take on these day-to-day challenges."

According to other statements in the release, the updated technology can detect curse words in 25 languages and, in some cases, can even identify what the caller wants from a primitive grunt or scream.

Aiming to keep pace with regard to customer service, executives at Verizon stated today that they hope to have their own automated system upgraded by this weekend, so that it can discern the right course of action by how the caller is slamming the phone off a blunt object.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Beware: Local Law Enforcement Agents Caution That Strangers May Be Putting Priceless Family Heirlooms in Halloween Candy

Pittsburgh trick-or-treaters and those watching after them be warned: Pittsburgh police and law enforcement in numerous surrounding areas and townships have issued an advisory that certain persons may be inserting priceless family items into kids' Halloween candy, making it dangerous, if not deadly, to ingest.

The alert was disseminated this afternoon via social media by law enforcement in the city of Pittsburgh as well as over two other dozen townships in the region. Officials from the city and county reached out shortly thereafter.

"This is a very serious issue and I want to remind all the parents out there to be doubly sure that their children's candy is safe," said Allegheny County Executive Rick Fitzgerald. "It would be very easy for a small boy or girl to swallow a stray pearl from a necklace, irreplaceable gem from a fourth-generation ring, or a piece of a vase acquired from a museum for a substantial sum."

"You just can't be too careful," he added.

Unfortunately, while police can remain vigilant and parents can always call the 411 tip line if they suspect something is wrong, there is no definitive way to tell who may be tampering with the candy.

"We have good reason to believe that there is a small, but very real, subsection of individuals who intend to do children harm by mixing [Halloween candy] with items of considerable monetary or sentimental value," stated Pittsburgh police chief Scott Schubert. "Please exercise extreme discretion while celebrating this evening and be sure to keep an open eye for any fishy incongruities, including a piece of candy with original-print artwork sticking out of it or a small cut of fine jade."

The information, while appreciated, has compounded the anxieties of residents, many of whom were already concerned after WPXI had reported that persons may be handing out edibles containing marijuana or THC on Halloween. Now, things have approached a breaking point.

"This is just ridiculous," said Sally Steinle, 41, of Greenfield. "First, we have to be scared of [unknown persons] putting razor blades in candy, then drugs, and now some sicko wants to try to hurt our kids by hiding a 1939 Ted Williams rookie card in a Kit Kat bar. I can't believe what the world is coming to."

Reports surfaced that even mayor Bill Peduto had discovered tainted candy in the bag of a visiting child, but it was later confirmed that he had just dropped his 1983 Chartiers Valley class ring.

Columbus Declares State of Emergency As Dave Wannstedt Incites Fourth Day of Riots, 'Fuck You Penn State' Chants

Officials in the city of Columbus have officially declared a state of emergency, as the Ohio town was embroiled in yet another day of rioting and violent celebration provoked by Fox Sports analyst Dave Wannstedt following Ohio State's 39-37 win over rival Penn State Saturday.

Members of the mayor's office and city council said in a joint statement that they had anticipated the possibility of students and fans engaging in raucous behavior if the then #6 Buckeyes prevailed over the #2 Nittany Lions. They did not foresee Wannstedt even taking a side in the game, however, let alone create an atmosphere of complete dysfunction.

"At no point did we consider the influence of a third party who, we thought, would remain neutral given his position as a professional analyst on a national broadcast of Saturday's game," the statement read in part.

Wannstedt, a former player and coach at Pitt, began complimenting the Ohio State team and openly celebrating with its fans during Fox Sports' post-game analysis held on location. Witnesses on the scene have stated that it was once the cameras had shut off that he started to escalate the crowd's mood.

"The cameras die down, and you think, 'OK, light off, game over -- that was fun,'" said junior Bob Ward. "But then Wannstedt gets up on the commentator's table and gets everybody to start the 'O-H-I-O' chant, followed by 'P-S-U sucks.' People were really getting fired up, then."

Multiple reports confirm that Wannstedt then took two cans of Milwaukee's Best, punctured them with his teeth, and drank them by opening the tops to rush the fluid out of the can -- a popular tailgating and party practice known as 'shotgunning.'

Local police officers who spoke with Sports Unfiltered during breaks in their work to calm the madness corroborated claims of Wannstedt's pivotal role in the developing situation.

"I went to go put out a fire that broke out after a doll resembling [Penn State head coach James] Franklin had reportedly been lit and thrown into a pile of brush," said Officer Doug Wilkins. "It was next to some graffiti that said, 'Baldwin Whitehall 4 Life.' I turn around and there [is Wannstedt], doing keg stands on my cruiser."

"If that wasn't enough, then he starts bench-pressing the keg and yells to 'party so hard that Joe Pa[terno] can hear us down in hell," Wilkins added.

Authorities have yet to catch the elusive Pittsburgh native, but are currently trying more unconventional methods, such as shouting, "Who wants next on beer pong?" and "Hey, look! It's Dan Marino!"

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Jag Wisdom: Convincing Others You Dress Up Just for the Halloween Spirit, Not That They Should Be Dialing 9-1-1

Are you planning to go out this Halloween, bag certainly in hand, and request candy from neighbors and strangers who, you hope, do not recognize you? If so, here are some helpful tips from us at Sports Unfiltered to safeguard your costumed experience.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Anthony Bourdain to Do Follow-up Pittsburgh Episode of “Parts Unknown” Where He Just Sits at Primanti’s and Makes Casually Racist Comments

Hoping to “do right by the city,” chef and TV personality Anthony Bourdain announced today that he intends to shoot another episode of Parts Unknown in Pittsburgh that will feature him dining at a Primanti Brothers restaurant and spouting poorly concealed racist remarks for its entire duration.

The Parts Unknown series chronicles Bourdain’s visits to cities and countries where he aims to uncover the components of their identity that go overlooked. The airing of his stop in Pittsburgh was met with a wave of backlash from locals who articulated their criticism of the show as its being “stupid as shit” and “real fucking gay.” The outspoken Bourdain shared that he wants to make amends for what many residents considered an unfavorable depiction of the city.

“It was unfair of me to bring up things like poverty and social inequality,” he said in an online statement. “I promise that my second take on Pittsburgh will highlight only its finest practices: cramming a capicola and cheese sandwich in your face while claiming not to like somebody or something due to a behavior or belief that you know people will associate with a specific minority group.”

If time permits, Bourdain stated that he will also include scenes in which he points out where things used to be and drive half the speed limit when it's raining.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

News in Short: Literally Just Shit Coming out of Roger Goodell's Mouth at This Point

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell stumbled through a press conference regarding the league's stance on the national anthem today, as fecal matter rushed profusely from his mouth every time he attempted to speak.

Goodell has faced heat from both sides in recent weeks, with owners frustrated about protests of the national anthem potentially having an adverse effect on their bottom line. The players, meanwhile, have been waiting for the league to take a firm position before considering their next course of action.

Yet unable to appease either side, the embattled commissioner seemed set on working towards that end in today's conference, but his statements were constantly interrupted by copious volumes of feces.

"First, we want to say that we understand why fans are HUUUUUUUUHGLKKKPUUHTHFF," he tried to explain while vomiting a river of shit. "Of course, we support the players in the right to GLUUUUUUHGKTHFFF."

"HUUUUUH," he added, a bit more excrement spilling onto the podium in front of him.

He aimed to clarify these comments, but before he could articulate them properly, his pants spontaneous combusted into flames.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Rangers Skip Injured Reserve, Place Lundqvist Right in Hospice Care

The New York Rangers released a statement today that they have decided to act in the best interest of long-time goalie Henrik Lundqvist and transition him directly into an assisted living facility, forgoing more common practices, such as reducing playing time or moving the player to another team in need at that position.

The team announced that the 35-year-old will be residing in room 4C at Sunset Valley Home of Life Care effective immediately, pending the arrival of the U-Haul with his belongings.

The move marks a sudden departure for Lundqvist who has backstopped the team consistently since the 2005-2006 season. Rangers GM Jeff Gorton explained that the decision was not an easy one.

"This whole thing was hard for me, for Henrik, for [head coach] Alain [Vigneault], for everybody, really," he said in a phone conversation this morning. "There are just so many options out there for older folks in need of one-on-one attention and individualized care to meet the everyday demands of life."

When asked about the hockey considerations that went into the move, Gorton was blunt.

"'Hockey considerations?'" he repeated. "Well, let's put it this way: when he came into the locker room the other day to ask the equipment manager if they could attach some pucks to his walker to reduce the friction he was getting with the tennis balls, I knew that we could no longer provide the kind of support that [Lundqvist] desperately requires."

"Don't even get me started on his request to add a wheelchair ramp access to the charter plane, so he can 'save up his legs,'" he added.

Latest reports say that Lundqvist is trying to have team dinner moved up to 5 p.m.

How well will Lundqvist handle life at Sunset Valley? Sports Unfiltered will feature a follow-up in its November edition of Sports Unfiltered: The Magazine.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Sports Unfiltered: The Magazine, October 2017

In This Issue 

This edition of the world's finest sports publication explores how Pitt football head coach Pat Narduzzi, following his team's platooning of two quarterbacks, nine ball-carriers, and eight receivers against North Carolina State, intends to ramp up his offense by enlisting the help of anyone whom he can contact via phone call.


"Bill from Heidelberg might be 53 and need a hip replacement, but that's exactly what we want the opposing defense to think," Narduzzi said.

"Meanwhile, there's Carol, and hot damn can she throw a mean block. Not to mention those shortbread cookies -- to die for."

You Want In?

Think you can run a few plays? Contact Pat Narduzzi or Heather Lyke today. Currently, those with heart conditions are precluded from consideration, but they are attempting to circumvent those boundaries.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Tomlin: Steelers Will Unleash James Harrison This Week, That Is, He's Escaped and They've Yet to Find Him

Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin confirmed in a press conference Friday that his team intends to "unleash" outside LB James Harrison in this Sunday's away matchup against the Kansas City Chiefs, revealing the seasoned veteran has broken out of his holding cell and they "really have no choice in the matter."

Leaked camera footage shows Harrison bending the bars of his cell as the area's alarm goes off.

 "We fully plan to utilize James [Harrison] in a number of game situations and packages," Tomlin said to assembled media. "Especially considering he managed to ditch his tracking chip somewhere in the Ohio River before, we believe, heading west."

To this point, Harrison has gotten virtually no opportunity on the field, playing only a handful of snaps the entire season. Those plans changed recently, though, after the team's unexpected 30-9 loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars, coupled with his daring escape from a specially crafted chamber the team had installed both at Heinz Field and the team's practice facility in the South Side.

"Those were reinforced steel bars," Tomlin said with a cautious laugh. "So unless the tracking dogs get to him, we assume he will be playing a featured role in our defensive gameplan."

Many columnists and pundits have speculated on the Steelers' plan for Harrison after the arrival of T.J. Watt, who has had an impressive start his rookie campaign. A common assessment was that the team wanted to preserve the 39-year-old for bigger games as the season went on. Things have changed, however, since his having gone missing.

"I'm only designing plays with ten guys out there in the assumption that [Harrison] will just jump right in and get at it," said defensive coordinator Keith Butler. "We're going to spray a special pheromone our guys' jerseys to make sure he's tackling the right people."

Because of Harrison's potentially agitated disposition following his escape, local authorities have reached out to ensure the safety of others.

"Any and all persons in the stretch of land between Pittsburgh and Missouri must take extreme caution if they encounter Mr. Harrison," said PA state trooper Dave Morris. "He is to be considered padded and extremely dangerous, particularly if he rushes you on the edge."

Mr. Morris suggested that homeowners over this track build a scarecrow of Alex Smith to divert Harrison's attention, in case he appears in the area. "And please, for the love of God, don't wear red," he added.

He also tried to provide some desperation tactics, should anyone be confronted directly by the linebacker.

"Your best bet at that point is to yell, 'Hey, look it's Roger Goodell!' and run like hell," said Morris. "But he might just set you on fire and piss out the flames; we really don't know yet."

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Pierre McGuire Spends Most of Pens-Caps Broadcast Explaining Where Members of Administration Governed in Juniors

NBC Sports Network utilized the majority of his airtime in the Penguins-Capitals broadcast to talk about the current White House administration, focusing particularly on the local mite, bantam, and junior clubs with which each member got his or her start in the government. In case you missed it, here are some highlights in brief.

Rex Tillerson, Secretary of State

Pierre's Take: "Now when you talk about this guy here, only one thing comes to mind: crafty. They don't just teach you that anywhere, Doc -- that's the kind of stuff you expect out of a product of the Huntsville High School Student Council, based in Huntsville, Texas, voted Best Student Representation in the state all four years of Tillerson's career there."

"A fiery guy, can be an agitator. He's known not to be shy, even around his peers. In fact, I think I heard him just call a teammate of his a [expletive] moron."

Jeff Sessions, Attorney General

Pierre's Take: "Right here is a real old-school politics guy in Jeff Sessions. He's been around the block more than once, Doc, and he knows what he has to do to amp up his politics from policy to dogma. Small guy and will take his licks, but really feisty. That's all stuff you pick up spend your youth government days with the vaunted Legion of Doom. That's a program that really knows how to get in the public's face and push policy that doesn't reflect its interests or beliefs."

General R. Kelly, Secretary of Bump N' Grind

Pierre's Take: "You want to talk about smooth, Doc? Well look no further than General R. Kelly and the silky rhymes and beats he lays down in the Oval Office. I mean, the sky is the absolute limit with this guy; he can really fly, and he sure as heck believes it, too."

"Not afraid to get into the tough, tight areas where the mop and bucket are."

"I've heard teammate Jeff Sessions isn't a big fan, though, for some reason."

Donald Trump, President

Pierre's Take: "Doc, you've come to the right place if you're looking for a guy who loves the spotlight. Can really manipulate -- the puck. A real wild card out there, though; you never know how he's going to handle the situation. He's simultaneously a coach's dream and nightmare because he can get the team rallied like no other, but then he goes out and makes some bone-headed plays that make you wonder whether you really wanted him on your roster in the first place."

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Snapshot News: Evgeni Malkin Turns Heads at Team's White House Visit With "Traditional Russian" Hat

"Very patriotic," said the Russian. "But very fragile. Please no touch."

News in Short: Uber Suspends Self-Driving Cars With Celebrity AI After Travolta Model Constantly Asks Passengers to Fondle Its Gear Stick

Uber Technologies is temporarily withholding vehicles in its self-driving fleet that were programmed with celebrity-based artificial intelligence after the model using actor John Travolta’s input repeatedly asked test riders to “make physical contact” with its gearshift, the company released in a statement earlier today.

Uber developed the celebrity programming as a long-term amenity that riders could request when ordering an automated vehicle. It was meant to furnish a layer of humanity to a potentially uncomfortable experience.

“At first, the thought of riding alone in the car with, more or less, a robot is going to be really off-putting to some people,” said David LaRose, who spent two years involved with the Uber self-driving project. “So I wasn’t there to see it completed, but the idea was that the car could interact with the rider through the ‘ghosted’ personality of a celebrity. It’s a great idea in theory: the anecdotes it could share, the range of emotion it could show via the actor’s input. I guess the Travolta version wanted the user to get a little too, uh, ‘hands on.’”

The company has considered a similar measure with vehicles operating on the Matthew McConaughey system after reports that it won't shut the fuck up about how you should buy a Lincoln.

Stats and Junk: Is Marc-Andre Fleury the Greatest Goalie in Vegas Golden Knights History?

Monday, October 9, 2017

Bloomfield Man “Could Swear” This Qdoba Is Supposed to Be an Indian Garden

Bloomfield native Abe Balestra “swear[s] to fucking Christ” that the Qdoba restaurant he visited with friends on Monday afternoon was in fact the location of the Indian Garden suggested in the original invite. 

Balestra and several associates had the day off due to the federal holiday, which he saw as an opportunity to assemble a crew to meet for lunch. Offering exotic spices and an affordable menu, the Indian Garden stood out as an ideal destination.

“Yeah, man, it’s great there,” Balestra told friends via group text. “We’re talking flavors that you aren’t going to find anywhere else, nice surroundings, and it doesn’t cost much to boot.”

“Plus, I know exactly where it is. I can take us there, no problem,” he affirmed shortly thereafter.

The group of four gathered at Balestra’s current residence, further west of Bloomfield near Las Palmas, and departed for the Indian eatery around 1 p.m. The trip, however, did not proceed as smoothly as anticipated.

“Wait a minute. What? This has to—shit, was it off Center or Liberty? Fuck, I forget,” Balestra conceded 15 minutes into a ride that he stated would last “like 10 minutes, max.”

Text records indicate that the drive lasted 37 minutes, during which the three passengers considered commandeering the vehicle on several occasions and returning home.

“Jesus Christ, we’re back on Friendship Avenue just staring around,” said Greg Owens in a message to his wife. “If we aren’t there in five minutes, I’ll either steal the car or just take a fucking Uber home.”

Balestra ultimately managed to quell any insurrection and navigate to the building he perceived to be the Indian Garden, where they hurried inside to avoid missing the lunch specials. As they entered, though, clues emerged that they may have arrived somewhere other than intended.

“I walk in and I see a tortilla press, beans, rice, and hear some sort of Latin American music,” said Patsy Vallani in a short call with Sports Unfiltered. “At that point, [Balestra] puts on this face that this has to be some monumental mix-up.”

"I'm 99 percent certain there was a mural of the Taj Mahal on that wall over there just last week," argued Balestra.
Despite evidence otherwise, Balestra remained convinced that they had come to the Indian Garden as he had planned.

“This is kind of, uh, weird, but, I mean, this has to be it,” he told his crew who had begun to wander to the restroom or out the door to a nearby GetGo. “Oh, come on, guys, I mapped this all out online beforehand; it has to be the place!”

According to reports from the scene, the three accompanying members of the group agreed to get lunch on their own and meet back at the car in an hour. Balestra, meanwhile, chose to embrace the spirit of the holiday undeterred, coughing openly on the cashiers and demanding that they make him Fettuccine Alfredo.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Retro Gaming Sunday: RPG Hero Complaining of Burning Sensation After That One Random Encounter

Following a random encounter in the town of Kleinfeld, Hero has been experiencing a painful sensation during discharge of urine, the ailing swordsman revealed to the party's white mage privately this morning.

Hero and his assembly of warriors stopped in Kleinfeld, a small farm village, to rest at the inn on their journey to visit the king in the metropolis of Stadthaven. During their stay, Hero left the group briefly to "grind out a couple levels," but refused any of his accompaniment to join, which members of the party identified as out of character.

"It's not like Hero to do that," said Luke, the group's axe-wielder. "Even when he goes down the street to buy a healing herb, he usually brings the whole damn lot of us with him."

Accounts from various individuals in the party state that Hero was gone for two to three hours, after which he returned with an unusual affect and appearance.

"After awhile, you get pretty familiar with the signs of battle," said Tao, a black mage who has been with Hero since he first departed from his hometown. "And I've got to say, Hero seemed fatigued and worn out for sure, but not with the scratches, bruises, and aches of your typical battle outside of town."

Kenneth, the party's centaur knight, verified Tao's assessment.

"Yeah, it was weird to say the least," he said. "Hero came back all sweaty and kind of greasy, I guess, but he hadn't even taken his sword with him and showed no signs of battle damage."

"He just kept saying, 'Oh, I used my sword all right,'" Kenneth added.

Despite the confusion, the party moved on later that day with no discussion of what had happened during Hero's separation from the group. It was not until earlier this morning that clues emerged regarding the events outside Kleinfeld.

"He came up to me panic-stricken," said Lowe, white mage. "He grabbed me by the shoulders, and his eyes started darting around like crazy. Then he asks me frantically, 'Can you keep a secret?'"

"I told him 'sure,' and he lets out this visceral grunt and tells me about how it hurts when he's taking a piss. I tried a few spells on him, but he keeps saying it's not getting better."

"He's been begging me to keep trying, but if he shows me his penis again, I'm done," the healer added.

Currently, the party is waiting outside a church in Stadthaven while Hero searches for help from a higher power. Reports suggest the visit is not going well.