Thursday, December 27, 2012

The Germans -- a Highly Efficient People... Even at Losing in Hockey

How yinz doing, jags? Chuck Kowalski is back in action after a hiatus enduring significantly longer than any of Todd Graham's tenures as head coach at any university stupid enough to hire him. Yes, even Pitt, though that should come as no surprise, considering they once foresaw Tino Sunseri -- you know, the less talented of the bunch -- as the stalwart quarterback of the future. 

Anyhow, I don't think any of yinz can blame me for skipping out on updates after what a shitty year or so of sports we've had. The Pens lose to the Flyers as Zybanek Michalek spent most of the series staring at life partner Paul Martin's presumably firm backside, which he can only view now under the warm desert sun via sexting, as Ray Shero wisened up and sent that fucker packing. 

Then, as if that weren't enough, the Pirates shit a block bigger than the square empty vacuum of flesh that cocksucker Todd Graham calls a head, even blowing a margin of 15, 16, 17 -- who really gives a fuck -- games above .500 to finish a season that might have been deemed salvageable had they not been in a position to win the fucking division. Maybe the addition of Russell Martin will be so minutely better than that smelly fuck Barajas clutching his nuts at the plate while thinking too much about taking a siesta that the team can get to 19 or 20 games above .500 before completely going down on the season faster than a two-bit hooker on an investment banker.

To make matters worst of all, a bunch of fucking millionaires/billionaires decided to throw a fucking hissy fit over how to split up our fucking money, effectively erasing a season of hockey and plunging me into an inconsolable bout with LQHD, i.e., Lack of Quality Hockey Disorder (I swear it's in the DMS-IV, but I could've dreamed that in an intoxicated stupor). It got to the point that I had to seek medical help after screaming at Robert Lang for not one-timing an open shot from the circle on the power play.

If there were any glimpse of hope to take from the period of my hibernation -- snugged away in a semi-cold room, drinking beer, yelling obscenities at hipsters, and screaming at Hans Jonsson for clearing the net like a goddamn drag queen -- it may have been that Ray Shero made the necessary move of trading Jordan Staal for considerable value during the NHL Draft. Of course, we will have to live in regret of the 934 goals and 6 assists he'll get playing next to his brother, but I'm sure we will manage (another irony alert, for you dense fucks out there).

Slowly but surely pulling me out of my slump, however, has been the World Junior Hockey Tournament, where a bunch of kids who aren't rich, spoiled, self-centered handjob artists play for the sake for their country... and in some cases, to get selected as the next member of the overpaid, egotistical handjob dojo developed between the NHL players and owners.  Luckily, they get to do so in Ufa fucking Russia where weather reaching 20 degrees Fahrenheit is a reason to cheer and not hurl yourself off the roof of Ufa's glorious 26-story skyscraper.

At any rate, particularly moving is the effort put forth by Germany, who, in two defeats so far, have displayed an impressive commitment to missing scoring chances, leaving mind-numbingly large open areas of ice for the opposing team, and playing a brand of efficiently terrible hockey. One had to take note during the team's 9-3 ass-pounding from Canada, but couldn't help think: Germany isn't good enough to lose this badly. It must be a fluke!

Well, let it be said that one should never underestimate the ability for Germans to perform as a well-oiled machine.

The Germans have shown a knack for acting in swift, calculated, well-orchestrated unison ever since they invaded the country of my forefathers in 1939, overtaking the family pierogi shop despite my ancestors' best attempts to ward them off by chucking nearby wooden spoons and pretending like they weren't there when the Germans knocked politely at the door. With such firm family ties, I had no doubt the Germans could replicate their efficient stretch of dreadful hockey.

And the Germans did not fail to impress, decisively gifting the Americans a goal just seconds into the game, as they set the course for an 8-0 flogging from Team USA.

Notice the careful positioning of the German goalie to cover absolutely no major portion of the net and give the Americans a quick one-goal lead.
Better yet, Team USA is represented by three Pittsburgh-area players, so yinz keep an eye out and a mouth open for Duquense Pilsner as da boys from da Burgh put those Russian and Canadian fucks in there place.

So be ready yinz -- it's on... you know, again.