Saturday, September 17, 2011

High-Octane PISSING ME THE FUCK OFF, Pens Practice Coverage

Hey jags, I'm back... in black, kinda like that jam by AC/DC. Sorry for the delay -- I ended up taking some vacation time down in Maryland. I'd have been back sooner, but you physically assault one Ravens fan and, suddenly, you're a "bad guy" and should be "isolated from the public for asocial behavior." 

To make a long story short, I was holed up down there with them Ray Lews-loving jags until Ronnie bailed me out. That, of course, took a little while because Richard spent our emergency fund on a 30 pack of Iron and Ted Nugent collectibles. I swear, I'm gonna kill that jag when I see him.

Anyhow, what could possibly yank me from my posting slumber? Terrible fucking football. Beyond the Steelers getting their ass pounded in Week 1, thanks in large part to Roethlisberger fumbling more balls than a hooker without fingers, I just had the pleasure of watching the Pitt Panthers and their high-octane shit machine blow a three touchdown lead to keep them on pace for a pedestrian 8-5 season, concluding with a proud -- but narrow -- victory against Northern Ass Hat State in the Little Debbie's Zebra Cakes Fun Happy Time Bowl Presented by Petco.

Now, just in case you weren't convinced earlier that Chuck K is, in fact, a sports prophet, let's take a brief look at some things I said in my Pitt football preview.

"If their star players can get off on technicalities for drug possession and aggravated assault, along with the team continuing its yearly trend of pulling out really-shouldn't-be-this-exciting, late-game wins against perennial powerhouses like Maine, then they have a shot at another mildly satisfying but underwhelming 8-5 season."

Well on their way with today's loss and getting their heart disease-inducing victories against, you guessed it, Maine.

"Even better, though, would be somebody who wouldn't throw dazzling, tight-spiraled interceptions during the pivotal moments of the football game (for instance, against Utah last year) and who didn't look like he just smoked a pound of goat hair and opiates to get high."

Seems particularly familiar to today's events. Oh right, because that motherfucker committed this exact travesty today. I should have known better than to think that the big touchdown play on the opening drive was a portent of Pitt's "breaking out." As has been the case this entire year, our field general Tino -- a horrific consideration itself -- can't successfully throw a route beyond 15 yards and will instead continue to hide behind his little dink passes to his tight ends, though we should probably call them loose ends because they tend to stretch out after getting fucking railed that hard.

Based on the photo, I can only assume he and Roger Clemens get in fights with the umpires and one another during their sons' Little League games.
Holy fucking Karstens, I just can't wait for Todd Graham to build upon his already decaying base of false promises, player mismanagement, and inexplicable unwavering support of Sunseri by being indicted for providing players with impermissible benefits like fellatio. Then the season will really be progressing in full force.

Fuck, I'm gonna get drunk and add the Pens stuff later. Crosby ain't dead. That's all you need for now. Til then, jags.