Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Violent Shitstorm Forecast for Pittsburgh Region This Saturday

A severe shitstorm of country music and excessive binge-drinking will develop over the Pittsburgh region this Saturday, expected to bring with it flood-like volumes of garbage, a barrage of limp bodies crashing into one another or the pavement, and significant damage to the area's dignity, members of the National Weather Service warned this morning.


"We're going to see a huge Kenny Chesney low-talent system clash with a dangerously dense patch of cheap rum and Bud Light," said NWS team member Lara Heigel. "When you add in the intense atmospheric effect of bro country that will be present in the region, the result is an absolute clusterfuck of a shitstorm that poses serious risks. Be careful, Pittsburgh."

Mayor Bill Peduto stated that his office has continued to work alongside emergency services in the region to prepare for the incoming disaster. He added that, if need be, the city is prepared to declare a state of emergency.

"Planning is the easy part," he noted in a press conference earlier today. "But when those Corona bottles start flying in your face and you're up to your eyes in 'country folk' from Robinson Township screaming insufferable song lyrics at the top of their lungs, it's good to know you can call in state-wide resources to help you weather the shitstorm."

Meanwhile, local news stations have issued precautions for the public to stay safe during the height of the ominious conditions.

"We could see threatening amounts of vomit and intoxicated males arguing over whose truck is louder," said WPXI meteorologist Scott Harbaugh. "I can't stress this enough people: stay inside, get to any underground space you have, and only leave if your basement or safe zone begins filling up with Bacardi and Coke or a group of males clad in American-flag tank tops starting a fight."

Cautioned Harbaugh further: "I don't want to stir fear, but if there's a residual impact from the Dave Matthews front coming through on Friday, then we could be looking at shitstorm of apocalyptic proportions."

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