Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Dead Kennedys to Bring Anti-Establishment Punk Rock Right to Heart and Soul of Pittsburgh's Scene: the North Hills

The California-based Dead Kennedys have tabbed Jergel's Rhythm Grille as the site to perform their sardonic, non-conformist punk rock May 7 in Pittsburgh, based in large part on the venue's location in the blue-collar, DIY-spirited North Hills, the band confirmed earlier today.

"The whole area just has this punk rock authenticity about it," said founding member and lead guitarist East Bay Ray, making a list of items to purchase from the upscale outlets at the nearby Ross Park Mall. "The people there aren't happy sitting at home, drooling at the TV or computer screen, no. They're making the most of life, whether it's at Crate and Barrel or the Container Store."

"They might even go to the Walnut Grill for a meal afterwards because they know how to give a big 'fuck you' to the normies eating at some fancy spot in Polish Hill or Millvale," he added.

Bassist Klaus Flouride, another founding member, said that his experience with the people of the North Hills in past visits to Pittsburgh convinced him that choosing Jergel's was the right move.

"These are definitely folk who know to fight the temptation of normalization and living for a profit," he said of area residents whose homes are valued on average at $250,000 or more. "And we'll make sure to deliver the kind of night they've come to expect from a place like Jergel's: start at 7:30 and close out by 10. We all need that little extra rest or few spare minutes to press your shirt in the morning before presenting quarterly reports to the VPs."

"Nothing more punk rock than preparation!" he stated.

Former frontman Jello Biafra, who has had continual conflict with the band since his departure, stood firmly opposed to the choice of venue.

"Those money-grubbing sellouts wouldn't know punk if it slipped its dick into their slimy thieving mouths," he said of the remaining founding members.

As of press time, Biafra and his band, the 'Guantanamo School of Medicine,' were reportedly attempting to schedule a competing show that night in Mt. Lebanon or, as a close second, Upper St. Clair.

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