Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Columbus Declares State of Emergency As Dave Wannstedt Incites Fourth Day of Riots, 'Fuck You Penn State' Chants

Officials in the city of Columbus have officially declared a state of emergency, as the Ohio town was embroiled in yet another day of rioting and violent celebration provoked by Fox Sports analyst Dave Wannstedt following Ohio State's 39-37 win over rival Penn State Saturday.


Members of the mayor's office and city council said in a joint statement that they had anticipated the possibility of students and fans engaging in raucous behavior if the then #6 Buckeyes prevailed over the #2 Nittany Lions. They did not foresee Wannstedt even taking a side in the game, however, let alone create an atmosphere of complete dysfunction.

"At no point did we consider the influence of a third party who, we thought, would remain neutral given his position as a professional analyst on a national broadcast of Saturday's game," the statement read in part.

Wannstedt, a former player and coach at Pitt, began complimenting the Ohio State team and openly celebrating with its fans during Fox Sports' post-game analysis held on location. Witnesses on the scene have stated that it was once the cameras had shut off that he started to escalate the crowd's mood.

"The cameras die down, and you think, 'OK, light off, game over -- that was fun,'" said junior Bob Ward. "But then Wannstedt gets up on the commentator's table and gets everybody to start the 'O-H-I-O' chant, followed by 'P-S-U sucks.' People were really getting fired up, then."

Multiple reports confirm that Wannstedt then took two cans of Milwaukee's Best, punctured them with his teeth, and drank them by opening the tops to rush the fluid out of the can -- a popular tailgating and party practice known as 'shotgunning.'

Local police officers who spoke with Sports Unfiltered during breaks in their work to calm the madness corroborated claims of Wannstedt's pivotal role in the developing situation.

"I went to go put out a fire that broke out after a doll resembling [Penn State head coach James] Franklin had reportedly been lit and thrown into a pile of brush," said Officer Doug Wilkins. "It was next to some graffiti that said, 'Baldwin Whitehall 4 Life.' I turn around and there [is Wannstedt], doing keg stands on my cruiser."

"If that wasn't enough, then he starts bench-pressing the keg and yells to 'party so hard that Joe Pa[terno] can hear us down in hell," Wilkins added.

Authorities have yet to catch the elusive Pittsburgh native, but are currently trying more unconventional methods, such as shouting, "Who wants next on beer pong?" and "Hey, look! It's Dan Marino!"

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