Friday, August 11, 2017

News in Short: Pirates T-Shirt Designer Really Starting to Show Some Mental Wear

Pittsburgh Pirates media and marketing staff member Jason Collins has started to demonstrate a significant deterioration in his mental condition, co-workers reported Friday, citing his most recent team shirt designs as evidence of his ostensible turmoil.

"Jason used to be into all the little catch phrases and nicknames," said his co-worker Suzie Lucas. "Now all his pitches are depressing."

Mary Reynolds, Collins' manager, voiced similar concerns. 

"For the club's next 'Free Shirt Friday,' we had to pick between a clear plea of existential dread and one that just read, 'Kill Me,' with a dead pirate mascot who had been shot in the head.

A new shirt design by Collins.
"I don't know if the team's ups and downs are having an effect on him or what, but there has definitely been a change in his outlook."

While media and marketing staff share discomfort in Collins' recent affect, they are hopeful he will still be able to pull through on his latest assignment to create a new pierogi for the club's "Great Pierogi Race N'at." They admitted to being discouraged, however, after seeing Collins' initial sketches of a pierogi covered in maggots and a tattoo that says, "Death Comes for All of Us."

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