1. On an Unaired Segment of America's Got Talent
Somebody was supposed to sing a Frozen song submerged underwater. Whatever. I thought my surgical criticism of the Steelers' zone defense against Tom Brady was far superior. The heavy-handed men dragging me off stage most definitely seemed to nod in approval as I shouted out my final impressions.
2. Unsolicited Outside His Home
Simon, if you didn't want to hear my take on playing Marc-Andre Fleury or Matt Murray throughout the 2015-2016 playoffs, then you shouldn't have had a buzzer box installed outside the gate of your household.
3. While Dining Out
I belong to the school of thought that a Filet Mignon is best enjoyed alongside a scathing, hand-written review of the NHL's sacrificing its star talent to maintain this farce of "playoff hockey." Fortunately, or perhaps not, the Heimlich Maneuver was applied to Mr. Cowell's midsection with resounding success.
4. Waiting for a Surgical Procedure
Nothing should be more soothing when falling into an anesthesia-induced slumber than two fiery eyes reminding you that collegiate sports are mired in a disastrous dynamic that revolves entirely around money and continues to sour the educational pursuits they claim to support. I'm still confident the "Dear God, get him away from me!" was in reference to another individual. I thought the doctor looked like a quack, personally.
5. During a Bowel Movement
I worked damn hard to fit into that air duct to tell Mr. Cowell that the MLS, despite its challenges to this point, are using a healthy model for growth that will aid soccer's expansion in the United States. If that's not talent, then I don't know what is.