Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Twitter-Only Feature, My Cousin Rick Is Kind of Like Dre -- You Know, In That You Ought Not Forget About Him

Hey jags, I know I was about to head off to wings, but I figured I had better deliver some of the good stuff that I just promised in my previous post, so a couple more things that demand follow through:

NEW TWITTER FEATURE: DAILY SHIT LIST


Foremost is a feature that will available on Twitter only because it's a hell of a lot easier to do than on a blog. Inspired by the text diarrhea clogging the internet, keep tabs on me @Chuck_K_Sports to get your fix of the Daily Shit List. That's right, every day you get another ridiculous list that is only appropriate to induce vomit, but would probably be accepted by The Sportster and presumably read by some imbecile who likes the pictures. So keep up with that shit -- or don't; the hell if I care.

AIN'T NOTHING BUT MY JAG COUSIN RICK


As if my return weren't exciting enough, I got my jag cousin Rick hungry to get back on the trail and drop the latest scoop that you won't get anywhere else. Without further -- actually, cliches blow, but not Dr. Dre references, so scratch that. Here's Rick... and, uh, he's still R.I.C.K.

Pedro Alvarez Let Go by Local Burger Restaurant After Series of Dreadful Errors on Register


"Kid, I Just Need You to Consistently Hit Buttons; It's Why We Brought You In," Explained Manager in Statement Awfully Familiar to Alvarez

Pedro Alvarez, former second overall pick in the 2008 MLB draft, was released from his part-time job at a local casual burger restaurant today following a costly string of misplays on both the first and third registers.

Alvarez had held the position of sales associate at Billy's Burger House in Norfolk, Virginia for two months before staff manager Kent Lillington had to dismiss him due to underwhelming performance, even when faced with simpler tasks.

"I like the kid; I really do," Lillington said. "But we're talking about routine purchases at the register here. A burger with cheese, no other toppings, no sides. It doesn't get any easier than that."

Managers reported that such shortcomings occurred regularly during Alvarez's time at the restaurant.

"For Christ's sake, the price is right on the menu above the registers. Just type it in manually if you have to," Lillington added.

Alvarez currently plays for the Norfolk Tides, AAA affiliate of the Baltimore Orioles. He sought a side job in the area to "clear [his] head when not on the field," which led him to the small burger joint. Even on the first visit, he impressed the various managers alike with his natural talent for the work.

"When [Alvarez] first came in here, it was like, 'Wow, this guy has got what it takes,'" human resources manager Christina Hardy said. "How could you pass up on him? Inviting smile, good hygiene, capable at basic arithmetic, clear pronunciation. He had all the tools to make a name for himself here at Billy's Burger House, but it just didn't pan out."


Alvarez poses with an official sales team member shirt on the day of his hire.
"When [Alvarez] first came in here, it was like, 'Wow, this guy has got what it takes,'" human resources manager Christina Hardy said. "How could you pass up on him? Inviting smile, good hygiene, capable at basic arithmetic, clear pronunciation. He had all the tools to make a name for himself here at Billy's Burger House, but it just didn't pan out."

Lillington trained Alvarez personally, striving to mold him into a model employee who could advance to the assistant manager position, and was encouraged by his initial success in all facets.  When it came to live action, though, the six-year shift manager started to see uncharacteristic mistakes.

"I go in there with full faith and put him on third register where we get a lot customers," Lillington recalled. "So halfway through the shift, [Alvarez has] been up and down, but that's normal. This old lady comes up to him -- easy order, guaranteed -- and he not only added fries she didn't ask for, but then tried to charge her for them, too. The time it took to get everything figured out cost us four paid customers in that hour alone."

As the days passed, Alvarez still seemed unable to cope with the stress on the job.

"Don't even get me started about time I asked him to toss me some ketchup packets," Lillington remarked, refusing to recount the story in detail. "That lady still gives me the middle finger every day I see here."

Managers attempted to mediate his difficulties by moving him to first register and emphasizing the basic philosophy of his tasks, including that he "just needs to make contact with those buttons" and "shouldn't overthink it." Ultimately, though, the efforts fell short.

"We tried. We really did," said Hardy. "When his move to first register was a repeat disaster, we knew it was time to move on."

Despite having to move on, Lillington still thinks Alvarez is poised to succeed elsewhere.

"The kid didn't make it in the burger market. Oh well." He shrugged. "I heard he was a real buzz of the baseball world, so he's got that if nothing else. I mean, sure, he can't punch in and assemble a bacon burger combo to save his life, but at least he can throw a baseball with the best of them -- right?"

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