Thursday, July 27, 2017

Riverboat Jim Back Off That Gambling Wagon

How's it going, jags? Another day, another killer entry from my cousin Rick, along with the hard-hitting analysis and fiery commentary you love (/loathe) so much to follow from yours truly. Let's roll.


Jim Rutherford Ends Up in High-Stakes Poker Game While Searching for Third-Line Center

Coincidentally, Penguins co-owner Ron Burkle still looking for checkbook, wondering why Rutherford requested $10 million for "some snacks for the office"

An anonymous source, possibly my jag buddy Andy, submitted this photo of Rutherford engaged in the Texas Hold 'Em tournament.

Amidst efforts to locate an anchor for the team's third line, Penguins GM Jim Rutherford has apparently stumbled into a multi-million dollar game of Texas Hold 'Em in Montenegro, whose players include some of the world's most nefarious villains and undercover agents.

Sources say Rutherford entered the room, hands in pocket and whistling through the crowd, took a seat at the table, and threw down a check written out for $10 million and several professional contracts, asking the assembled group of players, "You ladies mind if I join?"

After confirming that no fellow player had the contract for Martin Hanzal or Ryan Spooner, Rutherford reportedly rubbed his hands together and said, "Well, let's see if ol' Jimbo can line his pockets a bit then."

Having now played for several hours, the 68-year-old admits to having "perhaps" lost the rights to a few a players, but remained hopeful regarding their capacity for future success.

"Carter Rowney is a quick learner and an even harder worker. I'm sure he will be a fine addition to MI6 and whatever it is they do."

Angered, he added, "Whose ass do you have to kiss to get a guy that can play a 200-foot game and chip in 15 goals for you?!"

Despite having incurred some losses, Rutherford is confident he can still come out on top over the competition.

"This Bond character thinks he's smooth, but he doesn't know the ol' 'veteran right-handed defenseman for an underachieving rookie with upside' trick like I do. And this Le Chiffre guy -- Christ, he might explode before the game's through. Never smiles. You could probably shove a piece of coal up his ass and make diamonds."

As of posting, Rutherford was talking to Olli Maatta on the phone, asking him whether he had ever had dreams of becoming the crony to an international terrorism financier and insisting that he would have called that bet with the chance for an open-ended straight right of the flop, too.

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