Friday, January 11, 2013

Thank You, Sir! May I Have Another (Overpriced T-Shirt)!?

Welcome back, jags and jagettes. If yinz are anything like me, then you have been pounding beers, rubbing alcohol, and anything else with even a remote amount of booze in it to celebrate the theoretical end of the lockout. I choose the word 'theoretical' carefully, despite my inebriated propensity for spitting grain alcohol in the face of caution, because the players still need to ratify the new collective bargaining agreement before the season can absolutely officially get underway. Knowing Donald Fehr, however, he'll manage to perform some sort of voodoo, which will no doubt involve a rubber band, sloppy fellatio, and strategic use of a bowling pin, to reverse the decisions of the NHLPA and cement his place in history as having the greatest inverse ratio of dick personality to actual genital size.

Anyhow, only adding to my overwhelming euphoria was the recent news that, in light of the petty, drawn-out, melodramatic 113-day work stoppage predicated purely on divvying up the average man's dollar, the remorseful Penguins have offered its fans some consolation in the form of several short-term promotions. I thought maybe ticket discounts would have been an appropriate step, but no, the Penguins outshone themselves with these bombshells. Let's see how much money you can save with a Numbers Crunch presented by Duquesne Pilsner (sponsorship still pending on the goddamn receptionist to put my call though)

Numbers Crunch presented by Duquesne Pilsner (sponsorship still pending on the goddamn receptionist to put my call though)
Where: Consol Energy Center
When: Preseason/First four games of regular season
Why: NHL owners and players are a bunch of self-absorbed dicks   
The Penguins are looking to impress their fanbase and win back their hearts by serenading them with three different deals meant to mitigate the damage put on the average fan's wallet.  With the power of Duquesne Pilsner, I will be an even bigger piece of shit than Donald Fehr and really see if these offers are worth the wait.

Deal #1: Free 'select concessions' at the first four home games

I think it's pretty obvious why we go to Penguins games -- for the delicious stadium food offered by Aramark, America's finest vendor of semi-edible laxatives that, when consumed alongside an inadvisable amount of alcohol, may be mistaken for food. 

Of course, it seems impressive that the Penguins provide a voucher good for three free concessions from the standard affair -- i.e., nachos, hot dogs, hamburgers, etc.; you ain't getting Nakama for free -- but let's not kid ourselves: eating just one item from the list will be enough to put you into gastronomical distress, so three won't mean all that much. Oh, and beer still cost seven dollars and fifty fucking cents.

How much Chuck K. will save in a game, assuming he doesn't need immediate surgery on his abdomen for eating hockey game food: $6.50 x 4 -- $26.00

Total cost of a single beer at each of those games: $30.00

Deal #2: Half off all merchandise at Pens Station stores

Alright, so maybe the food isn't the most thrilling way to save, but the Pens are gonna do us one better by providing significant discounts on all merchandise at their official stores, cutting the inflated, bank account-crippling price of their products in half. Now, you can purchase that $120 wall clock for only $60, and use only, oh, $80 or so that should go toward your mortgage or student loans to get that hockey stick that was never actually used, looked at, or spit on by a professional hockey player. But hot damn, does it look good hanging over the other one that you bought at full price several years ago.

How much Chuck K. will save: $0.00 because I'd be spending fucking money

How much it costs to make most of those products in China, Taiwan, or India: 12 cents

How much the labor-stricken child who made them gets paid daily: 10 cents, though there is a controversial push to make it 11 cents

How much the Penguins will make in this four-day period: approximately $7.8 million

Total savings: $26.00

Deal #3: Random drawings for various prizes

Now, the Penguins have put together some lovely packages for people to win. That said, let's not get caught up in the grandeur of actually winning. We all know the people who win these things will be terrible fans, dreadful human beings, or both.

How much Chuck K. will save: $0.00 because I ain't gonna fucking win

Total savings: $26.00

And just for good measure...

How much more the tickets will cost per game if they raise the prices by 3% (which they eventually will): $2.77

Total increase over season: $113.57

30-packs of Duquesne Pilsner I could get for that much: approximately 5-6
Number of single beers I can buy at Consol for that much: approximately 15

Total savings: go fuck yourself

So, there you have it, folks. Viva la Penguins and their infinite charity to "the most gullible greatest fans in the NHL"!

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