Thursday, February 23, 2012

Starting the Season Off on the Drunk Foot: Pirates President Coonelly Gets More Housed Than I Do... Then Decides to Drive

Hope yinz rabid sports fans out there are doing well -- unless, of course, yinz like the Patriots, Capitals, Flyers, Ravens, Yankees, Red Sox, Cardinals, Brewers, Browns, Bengals, Rangers, or the Sri Lankan women's national basketball team (buncha jags, they are).

Regardless, I'm sure some of yinz have already busted out the flask in preparation for the upcoming baseball season. Spring training has already begun, with the league's collection of obese assholes having started their intensive workouts of jogging a lap and keeping the subsequent vomiting to a minimum.

With Clint Hurdle at the helm, Chuck K is confident (I use that word with about as much audacity as Pabst does with their "blue ribbon" schtick) that the Pirates can compete for second-to-last in the division this year, rather than its long-time position as the worst group of misfit fucks around. Even if they don't, it's an excuse to go drink in good weather and curse at people.

Whatever the outcome, baseball season is not just for Pirates fans to binge drink while they watch a bunch of overpaid assholes miss routine grounders, strike out 43 times a game, and tear a rotator cuff at the first sign of improvement. No, even management can get involved in looking for the answers to its problems at the bottom of a durable plastic bottle that cost $10.99 at the state store.

For those of yinz wondering what the hell I'm going on about, Pirates president Frank Coonelly is going up against DUI charges in court, proving that being a part of pro sports does not absolve you from following the law -- unless you are really good and win a lot, e.g., Hines Ward. Coonelly blew a potent .16 after being pulled over, so the only thing I want to know now is whether he wants to catch a game and throw a few back (we'll take a cab).

If anything, this twist makes the year more exciting, as I anticipate a wealth of haphazard, ill-conceived roster moves and publicity stunts inspired by Coonelly's (hopefully) constant state of excessive inebriation. So, join in, Bucco fans! Crack one open and drink one for your pal Frank, who, despite being paid millions of dollars, apparently can't stand another season of the Pirates either.

I did some research, though, and we should've seen this coming all along. Look at the photos carefully, now. Til next time, jags and jagettes.

That's "Ten High" -- that's some mean shit, so yinz know he ain't fucking around.

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