Thursday, January 5, 2012

Oh Canada -- Cry Me a Fuckin River

Hey, jags, hope yinz are enjoying the return to the daily grind. I know I ain't, but I suppose the renewed flow of income lets me upgrade back to Iron City instead of PBR and Duquesne Pilsner.

Anyhow, yinz need not worry; I got some Steelers coverage in the works for yinz about the wild card game Sunday and Tebow, who likely couldn't win a prize in the football toss game at the church fair.

Before that, though, yinz know I like to provide some hockey insight on events that don't exactly get a lot of press time on ESPN because they're busy, you know, talking about the most recent attempted murder case for Ndamukong Suh, the results from the last vet visit for Drew Brees's house cat, and a voyeur camera coverage of every room in Brett Favre's house.

The most recent such event is the World Junior Championships going on right now in Calgary, Alberta, full of frothing fans of Team Canada who, I presume, will gladly start more fires and perhaps flood Interpol with complaints about the international refereeing if their team doesn't win.

In case yinz weren't aware, Team USA is being represented by three -- in one case, near -- southwestern Pennsylvania players, Brandon Saad (Blackhawks first-round pick), J.T. Miller (Rangers first-round pick), and John Gibson (Ducks second-round pick). Now, given the team's results, I don't know if that's a poor reflection on the state of hockey in Pittsburgh or what.

Team USA underachieved greatly, suffering losses to the Finns and Czechs after beating the Danes worse than Mike Milbury does inattentive, underachieving, or maybe even ugly youth hockey players -- you pick the motive on that one. Those two losses jettisoned them out of the medal round and, instead, landed them a date with Latvia.

As a member of the former Soviet bloc, the Latvian team is kinda like a brod with really attractive sisters. Russia and Slovakia are almost always smoking hot from year to year, so you feel pretty confident meeting up with Latvia despite her blurry, oddly-positioned, Myspace-style photos. When it's all said and done, though, you pay for the Primanti's Cheesesteak, drop her off, and never call her back.

The USA's rendezvous with Latvia ended as I imagine most dates there do: with the richer, more powerful of the two (i.e., Team USA) -- or more, as Latvians strike me as people who would regularly engage in orgies -- brutally victimizing the weaker to his or her fulfillment. The 12-2 beatdown should be no consolation, though, as Team USA was apparently good enough to play a close game with Canada in their 3-2 loss, but can't beat the same countries that had their collective ass pounded by our neighbors to the north.

A Latvian player -- who fucking knows what his name is -- gets in proper position as Emerson Etem prepares to assert himself as a player for a first-world country with only semi-corrupt politician and some semblance of effective health care.

The only solace for Chuck K, besides self-medicating with a damn near factory line of Iron, was the semifinal match-up between Russia and Canada.

As usual, Canada came into the tournament with that bratty sense of entitlement that they carry into every hockey competition. What they didn't foresee, however, was a Russian team ready to stomp their conceited ass into the goddamn ice.

Led by Evgeny Kuznetsov, who pretty much ran train on the entire tournament field last year, and Nail Yakupov, who will be drafted first overall in Pittsburgh this summer and should be by virtue of his name alone, the Russians sped out to a 6-1 lead. Though the Russian team had to take its compulsory break in giving a shit, letting the Canadians get back to a 6-5 deficit, they pulled out the win and kicked those fucks into the bronze game.

Really? Well, somebody forgot to tell the Ruskies, you arrogant pricks.

In case yinz aren't familiar with the hockey prospect scene, Evgeny Kuznetsov is going to be the next great Russian to excel abroad, only to eat up salary space and underperform at the NHL level for, but of course, the Washington Capitals.

Nail Yakupov, meanwhile, has got some legit potential, I think. He plays in the OHL, meaning he's willing to adjust to the North American game and is less likely to escape to Russia when he doesn't get his way like immensely talented yet whiny bitches Alexander Radulov (ran from Nashville to beat inferior talent in the KHL) and Nikita Filatov, another international goal-scoring phenom who is now back in Russia, presumably living in his mom's basement.

On top of that, he's a scrappy son of a bitch, as was evident in his complete lack of fear in taking on bigger Canadian players who tried to run him out of frustration -- because he was, you know, too busy being really good. He's got a legit work ethic -- he doesn't look like Alvarez aimlessly diving at a ball down the line -- and, to cap it all off, he's got hands of fucking (black and) gold. Oh, and c'mon, his fucking name is Nail.

You'll hear this guy's name echoing through the Consol Energy Center this summer, and I will likely cheer if I'm not chugging a beer at that time. I mean, the guy is called Nail -- like a friggin Iron Maiden guitarist.
I mean, I could stop there with coverage and end at Canada's demise in their quest for the gold, which you would think they had already won upon the tournament's first drop of the puck. What I really want to point out, though, is how fucking ignorant some of these assholes are. Christ, I would take people yelling "Shoot!" ad naseum over these shitheads.

Namely, you know that Team Canada supporters are still going on about the refereeing, but it's their team's own damn fault that they had to surmount a five-goal disadvantage in the third. The most egregious of these mistakes was with about five minutes left in the second, when a Russian player hit Boone Jenner and drew blood. About to win a five-minute major penalty for Team Canada, meaning they had five minutes to score as many goals as possible, Boone Jenner acted as stupid as his ridiculous fucking name and speared a Russian player. By the look on his face, he thought apparently that being from Canada completely absolved him from the rulebook and behaving like an ass clown.

So, to paraphrase Justin Timberlake, whom I sure Boone Jenner listens to with great joy every day: cry me a fucking river, Canada, as you sulk your way back to whatever tundra or permafrost you came from.

By the way, this tournament has only gone to show that every Swedish person has a name ending in -sson, -berg, or -strom. It's kinda absurd, really. I mean, what, are they all cousins?
But I thought this was Canada's game?

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