Sunday, January 29, 2012

I'm on to You, Jamie Benn: I Know You Are Actually Fulton Reed

Hey yinz -- hope yinz have been able to take the long lull in sports action this week, as every professional sport except for baseball trots out a parade of its highest-paid assholes to entertain you with a meaningless display of excessive offense.

Despite the lack of excitement and sports-induced beer comas, the NHL skills competition did uncover a startling revelation. Namely, former Team USA junior player Fulton Reed has finally grown up -- needing about two decades to age approximately five years, for some strange reason -- and taken on the life of Dallas Stars forward Jamie Benn.

If you recall, Reed was a member of the American squad in the 1994 Junior Goodwill Games. His physical play was pivotal in the USA's preliminary round victories versus Trinidad and Tobago, Italy, and Germany (as much of a challenge as Latvia in this year's World Juniors), before facing off against perennial powerhouse Iceland with intimidating forward and, I can only assume, current drug addict Gunner Stahl. 

Reed in a season prior to his selection to the U.S. NTDP (national team development program)

Beyond a towering physical presence, Reed was also feared for his powerful and accurate shot -- so powerful, in fact, that once propelled an opposing goalie into the net during the Goodwill Games. After a brief stint of academy hockey, however, he soon fell out of sport, presumably distraught over the departure of NTDP teammate Dean Portman, who was evidently taught that it is appropriate to wear a cutoff shirt for hockey. Later in life, Portman had his arms amputated due to frostbite and has never played hockey since.

Reed, thinking he could hide his true identity as he re-entered the hockey world, was simply too relaxed last night, as it became certain beyond a shadow of doubt that he is, in very fact, none other than Jamie Benn.

Most striking is, of course, the obvious physical traits of Reed's. In the picture below, notice "Jamie's" round, boyish face and that slicked back black hair that he has been sporting since his days under coach Gordon Bombay. Reed had shortened it earlier in his career -- to elude suspicions, no doubt -- but surely could not resist his trademark hair any longer.


If that weren't enough, though, Reed went a step farther even and participated in this year's accuracy competition. Known for, to paraphrase, being able to hit four shots out of five with his blistering release, Reed took this skill to the ice in Ottawa, handily winning the accuracy competition.

Now, of course, yinz can make your petty arguments. "Reed would be too old," yinz will whine. "He doesn't look like him." "You have a serious drinking problem, Mr. Kowalski." The list goes on.

Bottom line is, though, if these Caribbean and South American baseball players can play in the Little League World Series at the tender age of 27, despite their well-developed physique, thick facial hair, and the motorcycle they drive home after the game, then why the hell can't Fulton Reed be back among us?

Oh, wait. Wait. Just found it. Turns out he ended up being this guy. Looks like a douchebag.

False alarm everyone. Until next time.

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