Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Todd Graham -- The Deadbeat Dad of FBS Coaches

Hey jags -- long time, no see. I was holed up for a couple months, waiting for this whole ordeal with the feds to blow over. Had the RIAA and FBI after me for warehousing 7,200 individual Donnie Iris recordings on Kazaa. Who knew they started monitorin' that shit?

Anyhow, Pitt managed to exceed -- that word is fitting, in some strange way -- my exceptionally low expectations by derailing their season beyond the point at which even the most tenacious of individuals could salvage a pearl from the jaws of rampant ineptitude. Luckily for my own reputation as a sage, Pitt still secured a spot in the Denny's Lumberjack Slam with an Extra Side of White Toast Bowl Brought to You by Kool Aid, or something to an equally numbing effect.

Having foreseen this demise, of course, there had to be something more to jostle me from the confines of my MP3-trading solitude and launch me back onto my blazing path of journalistic locomotion, chugging along as fast as the NetZero 56k connection will allow. Namely, Todd Graham can add another notch to his belt, which, one can only assume, bears more stress-induced weight than ever after watching a whole season of Tino Sunseri as your quarterback.

In case you hadn't heard, Graham announced the end to his memorable, illustrious journey at Pitt -- by such magnanimous means as a very personal, heartfelt text, of course -- to pursue a new job and likely golden brown freshmen at Arizona State. Apparently, Pittsburgh hot didn't suffice to satiate what I imagine is Graham's extensive resume of infidelity. I mean, is it a coincidence he has to keep moving from place to place?

Those in the know, however, should hardly be surprised. He abandoned Rice after successful season and probably a pending paternity test, only to move on from Tulsa after three years, a tenure that only lasted so long, one would think, by the graces of improved condom durability. One too many attempts at the piledriver -- whether applied to his approach to football or in the bedroom... or the backseat of the Pontiac Firebird he has to own -- and you'll eventually have a tear, at which point the only prudent move is to send a text message signaling your immediate departure and a new flat top to match your equally tiresome personality.

What's Chuck K's take on this whole ordeal?

Good fucking riddance. What a useless piece of insufferable shit. Besides looking like the guy who would wrestle Roger Clemens in a gravel parking lot following their sons' little league game, this road scholar can now utter his painful tripe of "High Octane Football," lampooned to the point of near absurdity, at a new school before accidentally killing a hooker or Tino Sunseri's allegations of mental abuse by using a playbook that involved passes beyond an incalculable ten yards.

What awaits the Pitt football program? Undoubtedly, the wildest of public relations disasters and buffoonery. While many "fans" will chide for Sandusky, given Pitt's recent record of signing revolting individuals as their head coach, this possibility falls short. Namely, because Pitt will do anything to top Penn State, regardless whether in football or debauchery.

In light of past events, I can only imagine that Pitt will employ a high-ranking official in Al-Qaeda -- if unable to reanimate Osama Bin Laden, of course -- or anyone else willing to submit a CV that can top feats of domestic abuse, avarice, sexual transgressions against minors, and an extensive list of his repulsive fetishes, just for good measure.

The other question remains, though, regarding what will happen with Tino Sunseri. Thankfully, in great contrast to Todd Graham, Rushel Shell didn't jump ship after knocking up his girlfriend, giving our maestro behind center somebody to hand the ball to 79 times a game on top of completing two of five passes for an astounding 12 yards. If good fortune shines upon us, though, Tino will manage to walk into the bus lane on Fifth Avenue without looking and get hit by the 71C -- it just has to be enough to keep him from football... unless they grant him another year of eligibility because of it... fuck.

Alright, well, I have to get back to uploading my stash to Limewire. Yinz have a good one. Hmm, there's a loud pounding at the door. Hope it's the keg.

Information redacted as per order by the Federal Bureau of Investiagtion, Washington, D.C. Go Ravens.

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