Thursday, December 22, 2011

Things Looking Up: New Pitt Coach Yet to Be Incarcirated, Alienate Self from Players and City, Horseplay in Shower with Minors

Season's greetings, all fine jags and jagettes of the world. Hope yinz are enjoyin the holiday season, your trees, candlesticks, and other festive accessories bedecked with vintage Duquesne Pilsner, PBR, and Iron cans. Nothin says "good tidings" like an angry Jack Lambert starin yinz down while sippin on an Irish coffee with double whiskey (Imperial brand, of course).

I know what yinz are thinkin: this jag is usually cursing up a storm of shit, tearing Heaven and Earth asunder in an inconsolable fit of rage, sparked by some inane going-on in the world of sports -- so what's up with that good cheer? Well, in case yinz haven't heard, Pitt hired a new football coach today, and after a trying, I dunno, six some hours, he has somehow managed to resist every despicable impulse that would kick off his time at Pitt with a media avalanche from which even the most experienced Sherpa couldn't possibly escape.

That's right, Paul Chryst, soon-to-be former offensive coordinator at Wisconsin, has spent the past quarter of a day reading Birdwatching Quarterly, napping quietly to his favorite white noise album, or cutting out coupons for his family shopping trip -- though not too many, to make sure to support profits for small business -- all the while forgoing the unconquerable urge to display his self-shot revolting fetish porn to school children and then fit them for proper jock sizes.

Knowing Pitt's track record with football coaches, especially in recent times, I can only assume that Chryst barely beat out Satan and a reanimated Pontius Pilate to get the job. Now that he did, though, let's look at why Chuck K foresees Chryst having success in restoring Pitt's dominance at the slightly-above-mediocre level.

1. He Hasn't Struck a Man or Woman with Whom He Has Had Sexual Relations

Listen, jags, football coaches are under a lot of stress. Just look at Todd Graham, whose poor children were apparently so devastated by their father's player mismanagement, stubborn approach to offense, and hackneyed high-speed travel metaphors that the whole family had to move away somewhere where "high octane" actually makes sense because they don't have the Parkway East or any semblance of Route 28.

Accordingly, sometimes you need to strike a sexual partner ever so playfully, or with a vicious right hook, to alleviate some of the internal frustration. Yet, despite an overwhelming need for release, Chryst has somehow made it this far without hitting not only anyone within his immediate family, but anyone at all. Patience is a virtue, indeed. Good thing -- he's gonna need it when Tino comes under center.

2. He Hasn't Quit Yet and Gone to a City with More Predictable Weather

Did I ever mention that yinz checked out the blog most by regularly connecting the name "Todd Graham" and the phrase "piece of shit"? Yeah, there's a reason for that. Chryst is here, that fuckin bum is out. I hope somebody keys his Camaro when he takes his family to Chili's or whatever generic southwestern cuisine restaurant they frequent. I assume "high octane" originated from the shits he got after eating too much queso. Fuck that guy.

3. He Hasn't Fondled Children and Justified It with Creepy Comments on National TV

Does this really have anything to do with football? Fuck no. But having spent the past football season dealing with Todd Graham and his "Big Engine That Still Couldn't" offense, I'm sexually excited to have a football coach and not a shiver-inducing man child whom nobody seemed to talk to because his voice alone suggests a perverted fuckhead.

Now, is it possible that he won't have success? Of course, though there's really only one reason why:

1. Your QB Attributes a Demoralizing Defeat to Being "a Little Flustered"

Call me unfair, biased, what have you -- I don't give a flying fuck. I'm glad that Tino is, as the quote would indicate, the master of the understatement because it will surely benefit him in a writing career after he finally graduates from a university that he likely had no business attending from the outset. This jag is here by virtue of his dad's name only, not even a grain of skill.

In 2010, Tino was lucky enough to be insulated in C-SPAN enthusiast Dave Wannstedt's pro-style offense that involved two directions: 1) extend hand; 2) place ball in Dion Lewis' midsection.

In 2011, rocket scientist Todd Graham took half a season to realize that there was a reason for this kind of approach, and Sunseri's good fortunes continued with Ray Graham around to take the pressure of his dreadful decision-making -- until Graham's season ended by means of injury and the whole train began to careen off the tracks and into the River Styx.

For 2012, you just gotta hope Chryst can pull out some miracles like his near namesake, and find a way for this guy to make the most of his senior and, please dear Lord, last season.

Alright, jags, I gotta run and get some beer before the distributor closes. Got some more thoughts on Engelland's suspension coming later.

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