Monday, December 19, 2011

Geno Eating Borscht with Meth Now, New Talent at Sports Unfiltered

How goes it, jags? Having appealed my most recent arrest for disseminating doctored photos of Todd Graham's wife without a shirt -- and, in some cases, without a head out of pure contempt -- via LimeWire, I got some down time to get back into the swing of things.

I also got a new jag around here at Sports Unfiltered to help keep you up to date with everything goin on out there in the world of sports. He don't got the same prophetic eye that I do, but he 's all business and will give yinz the lowdown.

But yinz know who's still top dog right these parts -- that's right, Chuck K. So let's start off with news outta the NHL.

Malkin's Borscht Recipe Has Crank In It Unfiltered

Well, Crosby smacked his noggin too hard of the headboard again while proverbially butt-fucking the NHL, leaving him out for an indeterminate amount of time and turning any NHL coverage into the hockey equivalent of the Brett Favre media circus that made me dream of strangling Trey Wingo with piano wire.

In case yinz jags forgot, though, we still have this other phenom by the name of Evgeni Malkin. And just like my buddy Ronnie when I can't make it on time to the case race, Malkin doesn't just have it covered, he's winning that race all by his-goddamn-self -- even if he's exhausted and belligerent afterwards.

While the fair-weather fans in Washington are shaving their stupid fuckin Mike Green Mohawks, trying to figure out what's wrong with their showboat cocksucker of a captain, and convincing themselves that the Redskins will be good again this decade, the Pens' Evgeni Malkin has apparently been strolling Herron Avenue 3 a.m. at night to find the finest speed that he can stir into his Gatorade.

With Claude Giroux recovering from a knee to the head, administered by one of his teammates (to nobody's surprise, knowing it's Philly), and everybody awaiting Phil Kessel's eventual digression into underachieving prick status, Malkin has quietly, and possible under the influence of some drug or good ol' vodka, climbed near the top of the point leaders with 36 points and 15 goals on the season. His most recent performance, in which he reenacted "Two Girls, One Cup" and basically emptied it onto the Sabres' collective face, was a shining example of his play of late.

Chuck's Verdict

Barring the, now that I'm saying it, all but certain possibility that another injury befalls the Penguins and Malkin -- probably wrenching his elbow after beating a hooker along Van Braam Street with an extra Bauer he had lying around because she shorted him on his bag of uppers -- I see the Russian machine adding to his already impressive trophy collection with the Art Ross and (fuck it, I'm goin for it) the Rocket Richard.

I know some of yinz demeaning fucks are scoffing at the consideration of Malkin leading the league in goals, but listen here, you know-nothing cocks: anybody that watches the Pens knows that there's nothing scarier for NHL competition than a pissed, determined, streaking (perhaps physically and metaphorically) Evgeni Malkin. On top of that, he has only played 26 games. At his pace, he would have 18 goals in 32 games (the amount Stamkos and Kessel have played), only trailing the lead by two and only part way through December.

So for those of you hopping off the Tebow bandwagon (who, despite being of inferior skill, is only getting regular starts for the first time, you impatient pricks), and even those of you who ain't or were never on it, the Malkin train is only gettin started.

New Addition to Sports Unfiltered

The guy who puts that little black box in my house that lets me watch cable for free is giving you another kinda hook-up. That's right, the new talent gracing the pages of Sports Unfiltered is my cousin, Richard Kowalski, i.e., Rick. He ain't gonna have the binge-drinking diatribes of rage that keep yinz comin back, but he'll bring yinz the more straight-edged news from around the sports world. Look for his shit soon, jags.

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