Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Chuck's Corner: Random Asides and Irrelevant Tangents of a Yinzer

Well, I'd say good morning to yinz jags, but in typical Pittsburgh fashion, the weather outside is glistening with that majestic winter gray that inhabits the city skyline about 200 days out of the year -- except, of course, when it departs and turns into a dreary, can't-get-anything-done spring gray, or swelters despite no apparent sunlight whatsoever to create miserable summer gray.

But let's move on; I didn't start typing in a fit of intransigent fury just to spout off a bunch of nonsense. Um, actually, I did -- hence the title. So prepare for inane bickering of my usual Denny's-like proportions, just about something other than weather.

Anyhow, what's got me all riled up today, you ask. Simple: "movements."

No, jags and jagettes, I'm not talking about the subtle shoulder fakes and edge work that Evgeni Malkin uses to get by defenders or the way Roethlisberger dances around opposing linemen -- or "danced," I should say, because injuries have rendered his footwork as impressive as Grandma Kowalski's in tight spaces at the grocery store. I usually just leave her staring blankly at the magazine rack, in front of Rachael Ray or some shit, and come back for her later. One time, I left her off in the frozen food section after she started transfixing on a bag of pizza rolls. Took half a bottle of Imperial to warm her up from that one.

Nah, jags, I ain't talking bout that at all, though. I'm talking about these purportedly meaningful movements that, in various capacities, are supposed to represent the greater population. Two of our despicable world's most recent glorified glee clubs include Occupy My Left Nut -- or Pittsburgh, whatever -- and Anonymous, the collection of computer hacking assholes seeking aimless vengeance around the world.

Occupy My Left...Pittsburgh -- excuse me -- has recently asserted its perceived ownership of the Mellon Square lawn and has begun gearing up for what has, thus far, been a vicious winter of 50-degree days.  

Meanwhile, should yinz not have heard, Anonymous went on another hacking spree yesterday, stealing various information from Startfor, a security firm, and using some of it to charge people with donations to non-profit organizations.

Now, listen, before yinz get all up in arms, let me say this: I don't like the dehumanizing antics of the super rich, i.e., "the top one percent," or power-mongering megalomaniacs either. James Harrison should be allowed to smash them with a helmet-to-helmet hit, set them on fire, and then watch them burn, as he's, as far as one can tell, ethically apt to do.

That said, these movements and their leaders need to come to a vital realization. Namely, despite insisting to support the greater cause of the people, nobody fucking likes them or wants them around. In all, these "revolutionaries" just represent a different one percent, the one in a slap fight with the other one percent, and everybody loathes the general existence and continuation of both.

Let's start with Occupy My Junk in Your Mouth, or whatever the fuck it is. Its leader and foot soldiers, perhaps better referred to as flunkies, have claimed the territory around Mellon Square "as the people's property." So, esteemed freedom fighters, when have any people other than your motley gathering of dirty fucks from the Southside ever been allowed to grace that land? Riddle me this, too, if you would: if that all belongs to the people, why not do as they want and give it the fuck back, you pricks.

Nobody wants to be importuned by a bunch of trust fund scenesters trying to hide their steady bank accounts and disillusioned champions while trying to get to the bank, drop off their mail, or hit up a Pens game. Until I see that park free of its human litter -- and no, I'm not talking about trash left by humans, but rather garbage that actually consists of human flesh -- and Pittsburghers being allowed to relish the ground that allegedly belongs to them, Occupy can go fuck itself with a rusty pole that has been dipped in moonshine and herpes.

This conclusion just brings me to the other group of insufferable assholes, Anonymous. Their general schtick is the result, naturally, of asocial nerds who can't find their way into public and lack the social skills to maintain actual dialogue on the betterment of our world, and instead spend that time mastering a technology that has so quickly spiraled out of control that there is no way to reel it in. Luckily, if Asimov is right, the robots these people create will eventually become sentient beings and heave these fucks off of a bridge or cliff before Will Smith can save the day.

In case yinz are illiterate, let me repeat: I'm not saying their "targets" are wholesome people who ought to be glorified and reveled as heroes. At the same time, this group of hypocritical assholes -- which, to be fair, does not necessarily stand for everybody who has claimed a connection to Anonymous -- are simply doing the exact same thing as the people they attack, i.e., monopolizing power through one resource (the internet) and utilizing it to eliminate detractors and potential threats to their cause.

I mean, when you get down to it, it's the precise maneuvers performed by the world's most devious, narcissistic, egotistical, and downright evil individuals. So kudos for, once again, acting on behalf of the people when very few, in fact, want your goddamn help. I'm sure non-profit organizations are simply bursting with joy at the dirty money you provided them that will be taken away when people file for unauthorized activity on their credit card.

Call me crazy, but not maybe donate some of your own fucking money or go out in the world and support their cause in a way that really reflects the good in humanity? Alright, fuck yinz. Chuck out.

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