Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Was Mistaken: Jeff Karstens Evidently Professional Baseball Player, Not Homeless Drifter

Hey jags, how's it goin? Hope you enjoyed drinkin and blowin shit up on the 4th of July in celebration of our nation's birth. Yinz shouldn't kid yourself -- if we weren't supposed to bring M-80s over the Ohio state line to obliterate lawn ornaments and the swimming pool of that jag Patriots fan down the street, then Benjamin Franklin wouldn't have been such a beastly party animal.

Hell, he even discovered electricity, but not like that farce with him holding a kite connected to a key that got hit by lightning. We all know that Franklin was outside playing his acoustic six-string when he stumbled across the hook for "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC, summoning terror, torrent, and tempest from the skies above as the gods twist and turned in horror at one mere mortal possessing such sheer shredding power. As history goes, Franklin harnessed these celestial bolts to create what we commonly consider today as "electricity." But enough history; let's get to some sports.

Jeff Karstens Apparently Being Good at Pitching Unfiltered

Despite looking like a derelict added by the Pirates last minute to meet league roster demands, Jeff Karstens has somehow managed to put together a good season. His 2.55 E.R.A. ranks fifth overall in the NL, even though he is fourth in a rotation notorious for throwing strikes bout as often as Neil O'Donnell threw to his own team.

Chuck's Verdict: There's three distinct possibilities here for Karstens' turnaround. I gotta admit, they all sound pretty convincing. But read them, and decide for yourself.

1) Satan does in fact accept your soul as collateral for your feeble desires. This option would certainly explain the sudden change in Karstens' ability, considering he couldn't even keep his starting job just a year ago. If he was gonna sell his soul, though, you'd think he'd at least go all out and strike out, like, a dozen jagoffs per game and throw the ball 102 miles per hour. This would only prove either that Jeff Karstens is actually as fuckin boring as he looks or that his soul is absolutely fuckin worthless (both seem feasible).

2) Jeff Karstens is in reality Steve-O, famous for his work in Jackass, and now clean after years of constant substance abuse, he has taken time away from his stunt career and placing random, usually dangerous objects/substances in his orifices to hone his pitching skills and win some games.

3) Contrary to the above tale of overcoming addiction and obtaining redemption, Karstens actually spent the summer reviving and merging with former Pirates pitcher Dock Ellis. As one entity, they rely on a steady diet of acid, LSD, Robitussin, and Long John Silver's hush puppies. Due to the toxicity, Karstens now pitches games completely aloof to the gravity and pressure of pro baseball, hallucinating instead that he is giving a PowerPoint presentation to his own family on why they should buy CUTCO knives from him.


Pirates All-Star Selections Unfiltered

I, along with any upstanding, beer-swillin Pirates fan, was happy to see Joel Hanrahan get selected to the MLB All-Star game. We were equally disappointed then that Andrew McCutchen was not taken in the process, despite hitting .295, with 52 runs, 12 home runs, 46 RBI and 15 stolen bases, as well as being a solid defender. What a shocker, everyone around the sports nation not in Pittsburgh is a stupid jag.

Chuck's Verdict: The major leagues and Bud Selig should relish McCutchen not making the All-Star Game while they can... because he's going to be showing up there in a Buccos uniform the next 15 fuckin years, making a yearly tradition out of droppin a steamin pile of shit in Bud Selig's beverage and cleaning himself with Selig's tie and the face of his loved ones.

Yeah, stupid jags are gonna say that he'd be a pity selection for Pirates, but guess what -- those same Pirates are around a game out of first place in the division. I can't wait for the nation to regret not choosing McCutchen after watching him destroy in the first round of playoffs, which he will celebrate by going up to the press box and hurling Joe Buck into the stands below, subsequently becoming a national hero because nobody will have to hear him drone on about the same tired baseball storylines again and again.

Besides, Hanrahan will get everybody back when he strikes out the entire A.L. side with a single pitch and breaks everyone's hymen in the process, including the one in Bud Selig's asshole. Oh, and get this stupid fuckin jag from Yahoo! Sports who wrote an article about making the All-Star Game better. He said that they should "cut the fat" from the rosters, and pictured to the right (though not mentioned) was Joel Hanrahan. If he's insisting what I think he is, then I can't wait for the Hammer to dunk his sack into the guy's soup, then rip out the jag's eyes and bean his children with them during the softball game at their next family function. Fuck you, Yahoo! asshole, and let's go Bucs!

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