Tyler Kennedy Re-Signing Unfiltered
After the offer to Jaromir Jagoff fell through -- likely because he is still talking to the Huntsville Havoc of the SPHL, keep an eye out -- Tyler Kennedy makes the wise decision and stays on with the Penguins for a Yuengling-like price: yeah, he's a little bit more expensive than your basic domestic, but he's a got a little more to offer.
Chuck's Verdict: Another suave signing by Shero, who only continues to contradict the age-old maxim, "Pimpin' ain't easy." Need I remind you of some of the painful contracts that (almost) 20-goal scorers have recently received? It's time for a Number Crunch.
NUMBER CRUNCH brought you by Iron City Beer
(sponsorship still pending)
*Stats are season before signing contract
1) Tyler Kennedy - 80GP, 21G-24A-45P, +1 (2 years, $4 million)
2) Colby Armstrong - 79GP, 15G-14A-29P, +6 (3 years, $9 million)
3) Clark MacArthur - 81GP, 16G-19A-35P, -16 ($2.4 million arbitration; signed for $1.1)
4) Alex Ponikarovsky - 77GP, 21G-29A-50P, -1 (1 year, $3.2 million)
So this motley collection of contracts leaves us with a number of possibilities. Colby Armstrong, despite contributing much less to his team in scoring, still gets another season and million per than Kennedy. Some of you jags may raise the argument that Armstrong brings something "extra" to his team, and you would be right... assuming by "extra," you mean verified photos of Brian Burke going into a hotel room with a Taiwanese transvestite hooker.
Lord knows, meanwhile, what the hell Ponikarovsky did to get a $3.2 million after I nearly spit out my Iron watching first-hand how awful he is. If he was ever targeted by the mafia, at least they wouldn't have to tie cinder blocks to his legs because his legs are clearly made of fuckin cement. If he and Ryan Malone had an on-ice race, Father Time would win as the entire crowd would expire before one of them crossed the finish line. If these verbal images have not made it clear enough that he is slow, consider private tutoring. I can only assume that Armstrong helped Ponikarovsky photoshop the Brian Burke photos to make it look like Kings G.M. Dean Lombardi. It's just a reasonable conclusion.
Lastly, I don't know why anybody would grant a 35-point, -16 player $2.4 million. That's so bad that MacArthur was too ashamed to even accept a contract near that price, signing again with Burke's Leafs for one year at $1.1 million. If only he had known about the photos...
These contract abominations reveal exactly how the Tyler Kennedy situation, once thought to be unsavagable for Shero and the Pens, went down. Seeing as Kennedy scored 21 goals, his side clearly wanted something high out of the gate, where Shero countered those jags by saying he can't be giving out prime contracts to a guy who's represented by a defunct wrestler that yells his name after ever goal. Kennedy's group reduced their demands (this is when reports surfaced that there was progress) and then Shero sweetened the deal by pulling a Jedi mind trick, of which he is fully capable. Boom: new contract, reasonable price. Don't fuck with Jedi General Managers.
Jagr and Svoboda Thoughts Unfiltered
The great Confucius once said, "Once a jag, always a jag," and this whole debacle only goes to prove his proverb right.
Chuck's Verdict: Go to hell, you rotten, thievin, money-grubbin bastard. If Jagr and Svoboda were Transformers, they'd form "Dickhead Devastator," a monstrous contraption resembling a large phallus that completely overruns and wipes out indigenous populations of neighboring cities, particularly those where they were once a respectable member of its community. Hope the $3.3 million was worth it, you lousy, two-bit fuck -- even though Jagr probably already lost half of it in a game of Three Card Monty. Get ready for Orpik and Chuck K to rain fire on you and your family. I need some more beer. Christ.