Thursday, July 21, 2011

Karstens Suffers the Fallacy of Humankind; Orpik Undergoes Surgery, Still Looks Like a Serial Killer

Greetings again, jags and jagettes. Not too much -- on the large scale, anyway -- that's been happenin lately, so today's update won't be as massive as some past ones. Besides, it's 10 a.m. and I'm only four Irons into my daily bender, which rivals Jeff Reed's uninhibited trips on Quaaludes or whatever the hell makes that jag beat paper product dispensers and take pictures of his favorite male part.

Regardless, I'll do what I can for the adoring fans I have out there, downin beers with me in their home, workplace, or on some piece of public property.

Karstens' Infallibility Remains Absolute, But d'Arnaud Is Probably Gonna Rot in Hell Unfiltered

The Buccos faced off against the Reds yesterday in the final contest of their three-game series. The Pirates had already put a beatdown on the Reds in the first two games, as they have been with in-division rivals, particularly those that are best represented by a man who has the same barber as Billie Jean King and likely bet against his son's little league team when the kid with some sort of developmental delay was pitching. (For yinz on the less-than-swift side, it's Pete Rose -- for Karstens' sake, try to keep up.)

Chuck's Verdict: Karstens pitched another astounding performance, asserting his might before the throng of unwavering believers who will, in the name of Karstens, gather in legions all over the world and storm the Holy Land on horseback until they have satisfied Pope Urban II with its reclamation. Urban II will later designate those who survive, which are to be few by his calculations, to fill cushy, fabricated positions within the Church and will bestow upon them ridiculous titles and mounds of riches. That's just what good Catholics do.

My aimless banter aside (that shot of Imperial is startin to kick in), his holiness Karstens only conceded one earned run, droppin his already absurd ERA to 2.28 -- good for fourth in the majors.

Unfortunately, Chase d'Arnaud was in the mood to plan for the afterlife by reserving a long-term suite with a view of the River Styx -- the bad one, though he probably thought it was the kick-ass one where Dennis DeYoung and company blast "Mr. Roboto" and "Renegade" for eternity. To this end, he figured that it would be the perfect time to commit two errors and fuck up Karstens' shit. At least the hellfire and inferno won't be any hotter than it's been in this goddamn sweat box lately.

But as Bob Walk was saying, sometime between the multiple orgasms Greg Brown experiences every game -- if yinz don't believe me, listen to this call of Brown and Steve Blass bringing one another to climax, I think, after a Pedro Alvarez walk-off homer -- we can't be gettin all spoiled just because the Pirates aren't the most miserable wreck in baseball anymore. In this spirit, I'm sure Karstens, with his infinite benevolence and wisdom, will forgive the young d'Arnaud.

Orpik Has Surgery, But No Worries -- His Face Is Still Terrifying Unfiltered

Pens D-man and all-around badass Brooks Orpik had hernia surgery completed recently and is expected to require six to eight weeks of recovery time. With about a week left in July, that puts his return somewhere around the middle of September. So, barring a setback, he should be ready to decapitate opposing forwards by the start of the season.

Chuck's Verdict: It's always concerning to see one of your top-pairing defenseman, and one of the team's leaders regardless whether he wears a letter, have surgery two summers in a row. At the same time, though, he appeared fine last year despite needing the same surgery, so I ain't too worried.

More importantly, he didn't need any work done on that mug of his that even Medusa can't stand. Seriously, look at the friggin guy -- he's either a Green Beret who doesn't sleep, just stares restfully, or forgot to buy his eye drops every day for the past eight years.

Orpik is so fuckin horrifying, he haunts Freddy Kruger in his dreams, not the other way 'round.


To illustrate just how truly scary Orpik and his face are, here's an approximate list of people that do not and will not fuck with him:

Chuck Norris
Jason Vorhees
Shredder
Urijah Faber
That porker kid who's got the balls to loiter on your sidewalk while you're watchin
Gary Roberts (the battle would tear the Earth asunder)
Zeus
Dracula
Jeff Karstens
Terminator
The entire former Soviet bloc
Metal Gear RAY
Megatron
Jason Statham
Scientologists
The Nasty Boys, Demolition, and the Legion of Doom combined
The Hubble Telescope (that thing is always floatin around like its shit don't stink)
Small, harmless, and delicious children
The United Nations
Predator

That's just a preliminary list, of course. If yinz got some more, get a hold of me through the various social outlets, or at i.aint.no.jag@gmail.com, to have yours listed (with credit given if you want it, jag).

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