Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Here's a Schedule N'at for Yinz; Rooney Family Considering Gag Orders

Hey jags. Hope yinz liked the Panthers preview. Come October, I expect to see my prophecies start fallin into place, so when you start sensing the meltdown make sure to get to your bookie and bet everything except your 1993 Lemieux Pens jersey against them.

Anyway, probably won't be posting for the next few days, so I wanted to prep my loyal guard of, oh, 17 readers on what's to come. This Saturday, the Penguins will be having an open prospect scrimmage at 3 p.m. I will, of course, be in attendance with my trusty Mel Blount flask and a legal pad for takin notes, so yinz can hear bout the progress made by Tangradi and all them. I would have more information from their camp, but those jags didn't grant me a media pass to get in; in retrospect, bringin the case of Iron to the screening interview wasn't a good idea.

If yinz got any requests, whether it's what topics I cover, more in-depth focus on what I already covered, or just something random you want my thoughts on, then feel free to comment on the blog or send em to i.aint.no.jag@gmail.com. I like to keep my legions of dedicated readers happy.

"Satan finds some stupidity still, for idle mouths to utter" Unfiltered

On top of the now common knowledge that Rashard Mendenhall fancies himself a Twitter Aristotle of sorts, James Harrison has refused to be outdone, making incendiary comments in a recent interview whose target ranges from Roger Goodell to, probably, his grandmother. The lockout is clearly taking a toll on him, presumably by denying him the chance to satiate his thirst for hurting other human beings physically, emotionally, along with any other adverb possible. Here are some quotes and the person in his proverbially sniper's scope.

On Roger Goodell: “My rep is James Harrison, mean son of a bitch who loves hitting the hell out of people.  But up until last year, there was no word of me being dirty — till Roger Goodell, who’s a crook and a puppet, said I was the dirtiest player in the league. If that man was on fire and I had to piss to put him out, I wouldn’t do it. I hate him and will never respect him.”

On Ben Roethlisberger (in specific reference to the Super Bowl): "Hey, at least throw a pick on their side of the field instead of asking the D to bail you out again.  Or hand the ball off and stop trying to act like Peyton Manning.  You ain’t that and you know it, man; you just get paid like he does."

Rashard Mendenhall: "...fumbling machine..."

Those are just the tip of the iceberg, naturally. Harrison is said to have also blurted out a bunch of anti-gay slurs, made allusions to racism in the NFL, and heaven knows that, by interview's end, he was in some way, shape, or form criticizing Afrika Bambaataa and the Zulu Nation or something to a similarly irrelevant effect.

Chuck's Verdict: For all that which is holy -- or perhaps unholy, as that would likely appeal more to James Harrison -- WOULD EVERY STEELERS PLAYER PLEASE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Before I get to Harrison, let me start with Mendenhall, the forebearer of this rampant inferno of Bungles-like idiocy. See, Mendenhall proves precisely what's wrong with some people, including a fair amount of professional athletes, being provided a college education and a free-of-charge outlet to express their undeveloped, baseless opinions. You take one fuckin ethics course, and all of a sudden you're the next great thinker, free to enlighten the world with an unerring brilliance not witnessed since the Renaissance.

Well, guess what, Leonardo DaFuckin stupid asshole: you ain't an Earth-shattering philosopher, whose views on the world possess an unequivocal and irreversible effect on global society -- you're a fuckin fumble-prone running back who just happens to have enough typing and spelling skills to purge a semi-coherent piece of fecal thought from your "mind," which -- not surprisingly -- is lodged somewhere in your lower torso around your intestines, so your body can more quickly process and expel the verbal and mental waste you produce.

I suppose, on one hand, I should commend Mendenhall for being thoughtful. That said, pick your battles, Einstein. A lot of the people didn't personally know the world's most devious individuals, but I'm sure they were well within their rights to be happy when they weren't around to act like a bunch of jagoffs anymore. Do I think that people really needed to burn couches and treat it like an ignorance-ridden incest fest like WVU football games? No, but at the same time, I think that maybe you, Rashard, ought to take your own advice and get into the shoes of the people upon whom Bin Laden and his croonies of fundamentalist psychopaths left an indelible mark and try to understand why, then, they may be pleased that he is no more. Wow, you read a conspiracy theory on the Internet somewhere, that's great; try reading what you write next time. Or at the very least, let Max Starks read it. Have you ever read that guy's quotes in the paper? Careful, tactful, witty, and well-spoken. Perhaps Starks should double as the player's direct PR manager.

Moving on to Harrison, I agree with him in some regards. If that jag Goodell were burnin in front of me, I'd down that last Iron City before I used it to put out the fire. Jag thinks he's friggin Hulk Hogan, startin the N.W.O. of the NFL to turn everything upside down, but really, he's a two-faced cockmonger who makes arbitrary and emotionally-biased decisions.

But if you got a problem with your own teammates, then take it up with them elsewhere, not through the media. I know it's probably frustrating, James, that you haven't had the chance to see them in public and threaten to cut them with a sharpened plastic spoon you found in the backseat of your car. You'll get your chance, though, so just alleviate some of that tension by hunting the homeless for sport or something a little more fruitful.

Oh, by the way, you had one fucking tackle in the Super Bowl, so make sure to put up or shut the hell up next time. Update after Saturday's scrimmage and don't hesitate to e-mail me jags.

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