Sunday, July 10, 2011

DUI -- Dancing Under the Influence

Hey jags, how's it been? Sorry for the hiatus in updates. Friggin NHL free agency beer binge put my bank account on empty. Them jags down at PNC were bitchin and moaning, "Sir, we can't qualify you for a loan for two pallets of beer," so I had to pick up some work to stock up on the ambrosia that is Iron City.

Then, some mega jag at work starts bossin me around on the job, and I was like, "Listen here, Roger freakin Goodell, you don't rule the world or Wal-Mart for that matter." After it was explained to me at great length that he is the district manager, and is in fact the highest-ranking employee in the entire Pennsylvania area, I hit him with this conundrum: "If I ain't supposed to sit down and crack open a cold beer, so I can enjoy the Buccos game, then why do yinz got so many TVs, coolers, and couches for me to do it on? Seems kinda like a tease, don't it?"

Needless to say, I was escorted out shortly thereafter. But don't worry, Chuck K don't disappoint: them jags will be seeing me in court over the next couple months. Don't know if yinz knew this, but I work for a law firm in my downtime, too, with some of my guys from the Burgh. Check out our ad here if yinz need some legal help: yinz need to call us now!

Enough of that, though. Let's getting go with some look at the latest.

Hines Ward Waltzes Too Fast n' Too Fucked Up in Georgia

For yinz that don't know, Hines Ward is a Georgia boy. He was raised near Atlanta, played college ball there -- their starting quarterback, in fact -- and he seems like the guy who appreciates where he came from.

Well, this past weekend, Hines Ward got stopped in a small Georgian town, despite his roots, for supposedly drivin under the influence of alcohol. They arrested him and sent him to the local tank -- glad it wasn't me this time around -- and he got out on bail by the morning.

Right now, Ward's legal reps are saying that he wasn't actually impaired. They have a fair case: it's not hard to imagine that law enforcement in small Georgian towns doesn't really test its members for literacy or the ability to complete basic mathematical functions like counting.

Chuck's Verdict: I think we all know why Hines Ward was pulled over and arrested in Georgia. Because they take actually responsibility in administering fair and equitable justice, even to athletes? Fuck no. Them jags are just pissed off and jealous for two transparent reasons.

First of all, they're all riled up because Hines is a two-time Super Bowl Champ, a Super Bowl MVP, and yet he can dance like he's a freakin machine built solely for winning the Mirror Ball Trophy on Dancing With the Stars. Remember when his partner hurt her neck and all that noise? Yeah, they say that was from dancing, but we all know what happened. They were runnin reps and she was screwin up too much, so Hines leveled her ass into the floor til she got it right. And guess what -- they won the whole friggin thing; he just makes everyone around him better.

It's not like he even needed the Steeler nation to vote him along because he was so good, he'd have won anyway. I mean, yeah, I still paid my younger cousin and his friends with Mandy's pizza (down on the North Side) to start walkin into random houses and use all their phones to vote for Hines, but that's just what a good fan does. Regardless, I digress.

The bigger reason that these guys are acting like a bunch of Browns-lovin jags is because Georgia couldn't lock up Big Ben after his alleged sexual transgressions. They're just mad because Roethlisberger escaped conviction, just like he gets outta pressure in the pocket. So they wanna take it out on Hines to make their sorry, pathetic-dancin asses feel better.

I mean, seriously, what jag really thinks Ben did it anyway? The case was evaluated by a jury of his peers, just like the law says it should be, and he was found innocent. So that shit's done; get over it jags.

Besides, really think about it. He was accused of making some non-consensual moves on some drunk broad in a college bar, who accrued some "minor" cuts and scratches in the process. Aside from the fact that guys randomly penetrate way-too-drunk broads all the time who regret it later, think about what Ben's job is. He spends 16+ weeks a year, getting punched in the nose by that jag asshole Richard Seymour, outmaneuvering six or more steroid-ridden serial killers wearing Ravens jerseys, and absolutely facefucking defensive linemen who think they have a free sack.

And you mean to tell me that this same man sexual assaulted a woman and she came out of it only with "minor" injuries? Come on! If Ben really wanted it that badly, that broad woulda been down for the count after he was done. Luckily, Ben now has a wife, forcing him to commit discreet, reasonable infidelity like the rest of the world.

At any rate, Ward will win the case. If he doesn't, you can be sure that me and my law partners will be contacting him for an appeal, and we don't fuck around. Til next time jags.

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