Friday, July 22, 2011

Chuck's Corner: Random Asides and Irrelevant Tangents of a Yinzer

How goes it jags? Slow day in the sports world -- 'round here, at least -- as we wait to see whether the NFL players will agree to the new CBA and pro football will get back underway.

Let's not kid ourselves, though; there will be a consensus eventually. Because the owners and players owe it to the adoring fans who act as the lifeblood for the sport, right? Fuck no. Because there's way too much money to be lost, by both parties, if a deal isn't reached.

I mean, the only reason this calamity came about in the first place is because the group of assholes wanted a higher stake of the what the group of dickheads we're raking in... all of this made possible, of course, by whom? The fans. Not that anybody involved gives a flying fuck. It's like two monarchies disputing possession of a coveted natural resource or a lucrative trade route: in the end, the poor people are ones who are gonna get fucked the hardest.

That said, nobody's gonna stop watching and the NFL will pull in another several billion dollars. Maybe the government should start taxing them to help out with the debt. Hell, the NFL's probably got more pull around this country anyhow, so why doesn't Roger Goodell go out and solve the nation's problems? Whatever the case, we NFL fans are mindless peons who serve the powers that be with admirable ignorance to the injustice levied against us.

For Karstens' sake, think about it -- professional sports form the single greatest monopoly that exists. There are no legitimate competitors for any of the four major sports. Even if somebody tried, the massive barriers that stand in the way of success pose, I would wager, far too great a challenge for anybody who likes their money to overcome. Some billionaire somewhere could try -- the most recent in memory being multimillionaire Vince McMahon -- but these people made their money with wise investments, and they ain't gonna lose it over some war of attrition with a major sports entity.

Oh well, it won't matter when Google becomes a sentient superpower that will rely on mounds of our constantly-collected personal data to manufacture and manipulate circumstances in such a way that we do its bidding. And I know what you're thinking, jag -- but I predicted this shit long before that stupid-ass movie Eagle Eye came out. It's all a vein of Isaac Asimov's vision, anyway. He's got dibs on it, though how it happens is still up for grabs, I suppose.

For fuck sake, this whole diatribe isn't even what I had in mind to bitch about. My word leakage is a very serious condition that I have no intention of curing -- my alcoholism, too. Instead, I'm a self-enabler because, well, I like to go off for paragraphs and paragraphs about this nonsense.

No, the real thing I wanted to put out there for yinz is this: why in the hell has our country become a warehouse for helpless pussies?

I was enjoying a delicious sugary treat last night that evoked memories of Cookie Monster, one of my most beloved childhood idols, whose unrelenting demand for cookies I emulate in my constant call for more beer. Moreover, his hit song "'C' is for Cookie" remains a benchmark for today's despicable music industry.

Anyhow, if you didn't know already, Cookie Monster began recognizing cookies as a "sometime snack" in 2006 and, so I've read, now eats fruit and eggplant. Ok, so fruit is absolutely delicious -- I concur. But honestly, have you tried eggplant? Shit is gross.

I mean, for the love of fuck, I love the character to death, but when the hell did we develop into such a gullible and clueless society that we need to alter the eating habits of a blue, furry, googly-eyed monster because we evidently turn to him for dietary instruction?

Oh, and guess what -- you know it ain't gonna work, anyway. Why? Because little kids don't want to eat fucking eggplant; they want some goddamn cookies. What, did kids suddenly stop developing taste buds until puberty? When it comes down to it, a sweet treat is a lot more enticing than some purple abomination. Here's an idea: why don't parents, caregivers, whatever -- or the people posing as them, at least, because I'm pretty sure some shouldn't qualify -- explain why you can't have cookies all the damn time?! It ain't that fuckin difficult.

And don't get me started with Looney Tunes. Besides being pure brilliance, with its mix of whimsical music numbers and definitive characters, it was something that all members of society could enjoy -- except (usually) Bible-thumping hatemongers because they don't seem to enjoy much of anything. Well, let's take that off the air because Johnny apparently didn't have anybody around to tell him that he's not supposed to be somebody over the fucking head with a mallet.

What's worse is the remake of the show. I love having them back on the air in some capacity, but the show tries to frame Bugs and Daffy in a modern, recognizable social setting to, I can only guess, help guide kids with "teachable moments." I don't know about yinz, but when I was at that age, I was completely fucking aloof to social cues, progressive movements, and whatever the hell else they are pushing. I just wanted to see a bucktooth rabbit outwit a clumsy hunter with a speech impediment.

Plus, without Bugs' razor-sharp wit and quick 'strategery' (pronounced 'stra-tee-jur-ee'), how would I have become so wonderfully entertaining as I am now?!

So thanks to whatever assholes out there, once again, ruined something for the rest of us by being complete dolts. Fuck yinz. Hassan Chop!

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