Thursday, June 30, 2011

Welcome to Sports Unfiltered; Like 'Rome Is Burning' Without Having to Put Up wit Jim Fuckin Rome

Hey yinz,

Chuck K here. Welcome to the first rendition of "Sports Unfiltered," featuring me, Chuck Kowalski. Keep checkin in when yinz want the best insight and analysis that Pittsburgh's got to offer.

Alright, so I guarantee some jag out there is already thinkin: Why should we listen to you? What do you know? So, first, stupid fuckin question... but seeing as I got 20 more minutes til the pizza guy shows up I'll answer it, anyway.

As a stay-at-home professional with no excessive expenses -- including a significant other, child(ren), senile parents, or medical coverage -- you can rest assured that my time and resources are spent watching the world of sports and having a hasty, alcohol-influenced opinion on it. My premier cable package, endless supply of Iron City, and keen eye for sports trends and outcomes makes me an invaluable source to the sports-writer and gambling community. Go ahead and ask Dino down in Bloomfield; I ain't had a single bone forcibly broken yet.

Besides, who else are yinz gonna turn to for sports analysis? Let's run down the list of possibilities.

Tim Benz: Acts and wishes he was Mark Madden. Unfortunately, he's about half the man, in both physical size and actual ability. Complementing his wanna-be snoozefest of a morning show is an occasional sports column found only in the internet's most vacuous seas of garbage, i.e., its proper home. On top of being completely uninformative, they don't even go as far as being mildly controversial or meaningful. Much like me after I ever attempt to run, the process of inane regurgitation takes over. If that wasn't enough, his writing style is so basic and boring that an illiterate fifth-grader who accidentally put some ink in his mouth could drool something better.

(Speaking of) Mark Madden: Knowledgeable enough, but legally questionable, limiting his ability to advertise cheap Pittsburgh-related merchandise and give betting tips online (unlike me). Constant intake of foodstuffs also renders him hard to make out. What's worse, he still projects that same overdone "tough guy" style that his listeners painfully try to emulate. I ain't a doctor (though, for the right money, I could get a degree as one), but I suspect this is some sort of defense mechanism he developed after a strange semi-sexual encounter with Eric Bischoff when Madden worked for WCW.

Tecmo at Pittsburgh Sports and Mini-Ponies: Guy's got the best mini-pony and sports amalgam blog around. Also created those sweet football games for the Nintendo and SNES, where Barry Sanders actually runs faster than light. He is your only other reputable respite in this otherwise barren collection of sports jags. 

Ron Cook:  1) Writing -- Go to www.post-gazette.com, and click on Sports. Read a column of his a see how far you get. If yinz made it this far into my blog, then you clearly have a better taste for writing that anything Cook does. 2) Radio -- Spending years as a semi-capable sports columnist for a newspaper does not impart you with the skills to moderate a sports radio talk show or entertain anybody. Yeah, he doesn't fall into that machismo schtick, but that's because it would require a personality.

Joe Starkey: Bitches and moans about hitting in hockey, which makes him a pussy by default. If he meant that David Steckel should get pistol-whipped for apparently being so clueless that he doesn't pay attention to where's skating, then I'm all for it. But I'm pretty sure he means, "Hey, I can't stand on a pair of skates, so let me lobby for turning hockey into a glorified synchronized ice show."

Rob Rossi: Ok, so I fucked up by accidentally switching Rossi and Starkey. I don't got any beef with Rossi... yet.

Seriously, there's more, but my pizza's here. More beer-fueled thoughts on Jagr and the Buccos comin soon jags.

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