Thursday, June 30, 2011

Jagr n'at

JagrWatch Unfiltered

Alright, so we're still waiting for that freakin jag (some things never change) Jagr -- pronounced "Ya-gur," by the way -- to make up his mind where he goes to play next year. Do I want him back? Of course, but we have some competition along the way, including Detroit, Montreal, and evidently Russia.

Chuck's Verdict: Jagr probably only wanted to leave Russia in the first place because he's knee-deep in gambling debt and an over-sized grunt named Igor is hunting him down with a bloody crowbar as we speak. The minimal distance from the Consol Energy Center to the Rivers Casino definitely gives the Pens a chance at re-signing the man, the myth, the mullet -- especially if we can get him an all-inclusive parking pass and free trips to the buffet. His gambling, though, is a dangerous double-edged sword, so ultimately I see Jagr doubling-down on whether the guy in front of him on his next flight orders the steak or chicken and after finding out it was vegetarian, Jagr will be stuck playing professional hockey in Belarus until his next check clears or Petr Svoboda fronts him some money that will be lost in a dice game at the flight gate.

Update (6:20 p.m.): Given continued stalling by Peter Svoboda (Jagr's agent, for yinz ignorant jags), it's all but assured that Jagr will shock everyone by announcing that he'll choose which team he will sign with during a one-hour special called, "The Choice," executive produced by LeBron James. ESPN, completely disinterested in anything hockey, will pass on the rights, and instead it will be aired on Versus at Eddie Olczyk's house because the studio was booked for a junior high dance recital that day. To the dozens of people watching the broadcast, Jagr will then announce that he will join the Huntsville Havoc of the Semi-Pro Hockey League for his own river gambling boat due to the team's connections to former rapist Billy Tibbetts. Spread the word.

Buccos' Exciting Push for Mediocrity Unfiltered

The Pirates, despite all odds, have somehow managed so far to piece together one of baseball's most suspenseful .500 seasons to date, undoubtedly luring in the city so that it may continue another painful barrage of underwhelming baseball. The two heroes of the season to this point are closer Joel Hanrahan and new manager Clint Hurdle, who gets his daily exercise by walking to the pitching mound 43 times every single game to either replace the pitcher or ask him idle questions regarding student loans and favorite cooking recipes.

Chuck's Verdict: The Pirates will continue to play acceptable baseball until Satan comes for Charlie Morton's soul and Jose Veras throws an errant knife, meant for the rotating wheel that selects the Pirates starting catcher on a nightly basis, that slices Joel Hanrahan on his throwing elbow and hits Clint Hurdle in the hamstring, giving the Pirates an all-star caliber Disabled List and effectively derailing their season.

Til next time, jags. Thanks for reading.

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